Lower Crust

[Bunx]

Edit 2
Mangled hair, worn leather boots,
ripped denim, with a
red bandanna under a
feathered fedora.

He sips coffee stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far away places,
where dreamers visit.

Alluring encounters entice
fire flies dancing in the heat,
illuminating a pond
filled with cattails.

Walking on gravel roads
in the summer sun,
sweat streams down
dripping off his chin.

He wanders with no aim,
as a train with no passengers
purposely patrolling endless
landscapes.

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind,
an indifferent ear
sits silently alone.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.

He gazes upon his screen,
stocks quotes tell him
of a growing number,
his life's work.

Breathing deeply,
the suit strapped soul
sighs silently.




Original

Mangled hair, worn leather boots,
ripped denim jeans, with a
red bandanna under a
feathered fedora.

He sips coffee stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far away places.
Where dreamers visit.

Intriguing, his stories seem.
Fire flies dancing in the
summer heat, illuminating
a pond filled with cattail.

Walking on gravel roads
in the warm summer sun.
Sweat streams down
dripping off the chin.

Wandering with no aim.
A train with no passengers
purposely patrolling endless
landscapes.

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind.
Resides the antithesis
of the story teller.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.

He stares upon his screen,
stocks tell him of a
growing number.
His life's work.

Breathing deep the
suit strapped soul
sighs silently.

[rowens]

Mangled hair, worn leather boots,
ripped denim jeans, with a
red bandanna under a
feathered fedora.

He sips coffee stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far away places.
Where dreamers visit.

Intriguing, his stories seem.
Fire flies dancing in the
summer heat, illuminating
a pond filled with cattail.

Walking on gravel roads
in the warm summer sun.
Sweat streams down
dripping off the chin.

Wandering with no aim.
A train with no passengers
purposely patrolling endless
landscapes.

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind.
Resides the antithesis
of the story teller.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.

He stares upon his screen,
stocks tell him of a
growing number.
His life's work.

Breathing deep the
suit strapped soul
sighs silently.

Those two lines fall out of place the quickest.


Otherwise, you're on your way.

[billy]

Intriguing, his stories seem.
was my pitfall but a great overall effort. i actually see the broker as the lower crust in this poem.

[Bunx]

Rowens- Reworded the lines that don't fit the poem. I think the changes definitely made the poem stronger
Billy- Changed up the line to something a little bit more interesting. and i too think the lower crust in this poem is the broker.

Thanks for the feedback and the reads fellas!

[Markworth]

I enjoyed this greatly, thanks so much for sharing.

I generally don't experience sweat dripping off the chin, maybe the brow, or the nose if I'm really hot. Maybe it's so hot on that gravel road that sweat is dripping from everywhere!

The last stanza says volumes in just 8 words. Very nice!

Edit 1
Mangled hair, worn leather boots,
ripped denim jeans, with a
red bandanna under a
feathered fedora.

He sips coffee stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far away places.
Where dreamers visit.

Alluring encounters entice,
Fire flies dancing in the
heat, illuminating
a pond filled with cattail.

Walking on gravel roads
in the summer sun.
Sweat streams down
dripping off the chin.

Wandering with no aim.
A train with no passengers
purposely patrolling endless
landscapes.

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind.
An overhearing ear.
Sits silently alone.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.

Gazing upon his screen,
stocks tell him of a
growing number.
His life's work.

Breathing deep the
suit strapped soul
sighs silently.




Original

Mangled hair, worn leather boots,
ripped denim jeans, with a
red bandanna under a
feathered fedora.

He sips coffee stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far away places.
Where dreamers visit.

Intriguing, his stories seem.
Fire flies dancing in the
summer heat, illuminating
a pond filled with cattail.

Walking on gravel roads
in the warm summer sun.
Sweat streams down
dripping off the chin.

Wandering with no aim.
A train with no passengers
purposely patrolling endless
landscapes.

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind.
Resides the antithesis
of the story teller.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.

He stares upon his screen,
stocks tell him of a
growing number.
His life's work.

Breathing deep the
suit strapped soul
sighs silently.

[Bunx]

thanks markworth! glad the edit is pleasing! i had a really hard time finishing this poem. originally it was just a description with no substance after a few days it really took shape! thanks alot for the read

[crow]

Just real quick--

He sips coffee[,] stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far[-]away places[no period]
[w]here dreamers visit.

--this caught my attention bc the original makes it to where he's sipping coffee that has been stationed on a stool, and I wanted to say hey about it

---

OK, this, too:

Wandering with no aim.
A train[,] with no passengers[,]
purposely patrolling endless
landscapes.
--unless you like the confusion and ambiguity, which is a totally valid choice, here

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind.
An overhearing ear.
Sits silently alone.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.
--just a side note, the suit's being strapped to the chest is redundant. To illustrate, if you said "Black suit strapped to Jimothy," I wouldn't wonder, "but how is it strapped?" I could he wrong there, of course

Gazing [at] his screen,
stocks
--dangling modifier, here. Honest to goodness, this confused me
tell him of a
growing number.
His life's work.

Breathing deep[,] the
suit[-]strapped soul
sighs silently.

[ChristopherSea]

Bunx, This is an interesting character study. Here are some notes and observations:

[quote='Bunx' pid='163184' dateline='1399483106']
Edit 1
Mangled hair, worn leather boots,
ripped denim jeans, with a <'denim jeans' is a bit redundant, you could pick one or the other>
red bandanna under a
feathered fedora.

He sips coffee stationed
on a stool, speaking tales
of far away places.
Where dreamers visit.

Alluring encounters entice,
Fire flies dancing in the
heat, illuminating
a pond filled with cattail.

Walking on gravel roads
in the summer sun.
Sweat streams down
dripping off the chin.

Wandering with no aim.
A train with no passengers
purposely patrolling endless <'patrols'>
landscapes.

Overhearing the youth
from the table behind.
An overhearing ear.
Sits silently alone.

Black suit strapped to
a pale chest, glasses,
polished dress shoes,
a matching laptop.

Gazing upon his screen, <'He gazes at his screen,'>
stocks tell him of a <'a stock quote tells...'>
growing number.
His life's work.

Breathing deep the
suit strapped soul
sighs silently.

Bunx, I like the contrast between your characters. They are physcically described well, but some more personality development would help the poem. Your close is missing something. Perhaps the 'lower crust' fellow could shake his head while the broker sighs.

Proof read this carefully. The punctuation is off quite a bit. You could start with what is suggested above and fine tune after further critique. Good luck with your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[Bunx]

Crow- Thanks for the feedback and the grammar catches. I took alot of you advise when working on edit 2.
Christopher- Thanks for the read over! I pretty much took all of your advise expect for inserting a subject in the first stanza. I think the descriptions of the characters play a bigger role in the poem. Also I like opening up with a description. The edit seems to retain the flow I want in the first couple of drafts while being more grammatically correct. Also the imagery is alot clearer in my opinion.
thanks for the read

[zmeansy]

I like it. Two Thumbs UP!
I think that for me my active imagination was turned on by your description.
It made the suited character come to life, by feeling his lifelessness.
The other man free from everything without any 'life work'.
The lower crust?

[Bunx]

Thanks for the nice feedback zmeansy. i am really glad the poem gave you a good picture of each of the characters!
Lower Crust refers to societal hierarchy in this poem. but i want to leave it up to the reader to decide who is the "lower" character in the poem