2 Samuel 11, edit3

[crow]

2 Samuel 11, edit3, ChristopherSea
--note: the only revisions, as per a pm exchange, are to the title, which was, previously, "David," and italicizing "criminals". Here's a link to the source material: http://mobile.biblegateway.com/passage/?...+Samuel+11&version=NKJV

2 Samuel 11

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking,
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
                                                She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
                I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me.

David, 2nd draft

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking,
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
                                                She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
                I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me.

David, original

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking,
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Damn her."]

[RSaba]

I like how this starts out calm and descriptive and escalated to that really strong emotion at the end, where the language gets simpler... the shift from the first stanza to the second works really well.
As for indenting, I think you could just do it by holding down the space bar 'til the line is in the right place? I like the idea of those indentations, it would set the second stanza even further apart from the first.
Here are a few suggestions/comments. Take what you will.

David

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee. This sentence feels a bit awkward- maybe put "ice" after "drop" instead?
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering Using "tries" again... I like it better the way it's used in this line than in the first line. Having both seems redundant, although mostly because it doesn't paint a clear picture in the first line.
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking, I really like this whole sentence, and it stands out from the rest of the stanza because of the sudden, somewhat majestic-feeling metaphor. It's a cool image. I sort of played with the idea of putting "clinking" ahead of criminals, which sounds cool because of the alliteration without the comma, but it works nicely the way it is as well.
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December

sucks. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took There's a bit of a leap to this part... when I read it, I first wondered "What does this have to do with the rest?" Then I re-read it and tied "distracted" in with these thoughts. But still, I feel like there must be some other way to make this connect to the rest of the piece. These last few lines are powerfully put but their irrelevancy to the rest of the poem weakens them.
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Fuck her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look Not a fan of the ellipses, especially not both. But I understand you want a deliberate pause around "her." Maybe there's another way to do that? I was thinking of having "I want her" as one whole line, especially since those three words on their own have yet another meaning.
at me.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Fuck her."]

Hope this all makes sense/helps. Great write, I enjoyed it!

[AnywherebutHere]

David

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink, I like the dumb angel part, it's interesting
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering first ned tries winter on the tarmac, now he is centering the chains, I feel you can do without repeating what ned is doing on the tarmac
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking, I like the phrase gentler kings
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. the beginning of this sounds odd Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me. This is where I get a bit lost. I don't get it, who is she? I think you should be more clear. As well as talking with long pauses and periods, unnecessary to make an impact.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Damn her."]

this was an interesting poem, however I was a bit lost at what the story was. I read it over and understood it then. I feel you can do more with description as to what happened to ned and who he is trying to impress.

[ChristopherSea]

David

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking,
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Damn her."]

Crow, Here is a link on how to use MyCode to space/indent lines:

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11421&pid=135838#pid135838

I have yet to use it myself, but you are the third person this week looking to indent.
Good luck with it./Chris

[crow]

gratzie!

[crow]

Milo! I'm getting it! Meter is starting to make sense to me, finally . . . This'll be the easiest edit you ever didn't have to do . . .

[tomoffing]

I'm not sure which thread you're working off, but this was my thought;

"Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee."

I'm baffled as to why you'd split drop & ice.
First, its deeply uncomfortable from a reader perspective. Absent the object, I've already imagined you dropping in some fashion by the time I get to the ice. Once I know we're talking ice, "plunk-plunk-plink" is aurally and visually brilliant, right down to the third cube "plinking" its predecessor.
As it stands I'm first trying to figure out how "you" would plunk/plink, and when I discover the ice, its too late. You've lost the potency of an otherwise brilliant image...

BTW I love the subtle insinuation of drinking on the job .

Annnnnyyyywayyyy, just opinion. do your worst.

Overall, really fine work.
The distracted worker still oblivious even post accident is a great device for illustrating the obsessive nature of desire.
thanks t

[crow]

It's in your edit! hahaha it's about distraction

[poe]

David

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking,
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Damn her."]

I agree with others that "ice" should follow "drop" in L2.

I like the meter in the sentence,:

"Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking,
out of harm's way."

and, in this sentence,:

"No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way."

I wonder if "in the worst way" could be improved upon. Not sure.
TS

[crow]

I'm following ChristopherSea's lead here, a bit, by posting my intended meaning.

This is meant to be a fun little murder mystery, but it's just turned out to be mysterious. The clues are the title and the jarring switch into talking about "her." It's based on 2 Samuel 11, the story of David and Bathsheba--I'm hoping someone can help me make the clues more overt . . .