Henry's Room

[Markworth]

(edit 1, thank you ellajam and Tony Short)

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

I did not dare step into Henry’s room.
Where standing stones define the boundary,
with chains between the stones, except for two.

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me.
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here,
then two would make much better company.

I walked around the edge so very near,
around the bricks where heat did once pass through,
back to the front, where chains did not appear.

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view,
I did not dare step into Henry’s room.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello,

I've been writing poetry for the past week and would appreciate thoughts on this one. I'm also open to providing my thoughts for the poems of others, as I realize this is essential for this type of forum.

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

Dare not did I step into Henry’s room
Was marked out by the stones beneath the trees
With chains that linked the stones except for two

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here
Then two would make much better company

I walked around the edge so very near
Around the bricks where heat did once pass through
Back to the front where chains did not appear

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view
Dare not did I step into Henry’s room

[ellajam]

Hi, Matt, welcome.
I like the idea of this, but I'm wonderiing why you wouldn't just say:
I did not dare step into Henry's room.

If you'd go through and untwist some of those awkward lines I think you'd have some improvement.

If you post at least 5 thoughtful comments on poems in the workshops you can have this moved there.
Good luck with it.

[billy]

Hello,
I'm also open to providing my thoughts for the poems of others, as I realize this is essential for this type of forum.

still waiting

[poe]

Hello,

I've been writing poetry for the past week and would appreciate thoughts on this one. I'm also open to providing my thoughts for the poems of others, as I realize this is essential for this type of forum.

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

Dare not did I step into Henry’s room
Was marked out by the stones beneath the trees
With chains that linked the stones except for two

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here
Then two would make much better company

I walked around the edge so very near
Around the bricks where heat did once pass through
Back to the front where chains did not appear

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view
Dare not did I step into Henry’s room

Hello Mark,

I find "Henry's Room" compelling as a poem. Although I'm not always sure about what is going on there. In particular I don't know what is meant by the "chains" in stanza 1, L3, or in stanza 3, L3.
As for stanza 1, L1 " I did not dare step into Henry's room.." or,"I dared not step into Henry's room..",or "I didn't dare step into Henry's room.." may be more natural sounding than "Dare not did I step into Henry's room." A poem needn't sound unnatural syntactically.
I like the physicality of the poem, such as descriptions of the environment, temperature, or the lack there of, stanza 3, L2. The physical descriptions interface nicely with the writers intentions (the first and last lines) suggesting profound (but never syrupy)emotion.

Nice work
TS

[Markworth]

Ellajam, Thanks, that sounds much better. I have a tendency to do that, which makes it sound clunky.

Billy, I will as soon as I have something intelligent to say

Tony, Thanks for the idea. I changed the second line to make it more clear on why chains are referenced. I included the reference to chains for both the physical description, and as an additional reason for my hesitation to enter. The main reason for not entering is out of respect for Thoreau, with yet a third reason that it might be lonely in there with just me. With two standing stones not connected by a chain, it was mighty tempting to enter

Here are my edits:

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

I did not dare step into Henry’s room
Where standing stones define the boundary
With chains between the stones, except for two

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here
Then two would make much better company

I walked around the edge so very near
Around the bricks where heat did once pass through
Back to the front where chains did not appear

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view
I did not dare step into Henry’s room

[Markworth]

Jeez, those capitals and lack of punctuation were annoying. Edit:

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

I did not dare step into Henry’s room.
Where standing stones define the boundary,
with chains between the stones, except for two.

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me.
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here,
then two would make much better company.

I walked around the edge so very near,
around the bricks where heat did once pass through,
back to the front, where chains did not appear.

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view,
I did not dare step into Henry’s room.

[ellajam]

Hi, Mark, I think the edit is an improvement. The site's preferred way to post an edit is to edit your OP and place the labeled edit above your original. This helps readers critique the current version and compare the two.

Jeez, those capitals and lack of punctuation were annoying. Edit:

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

I did not dare step into Henry’s room.
Where standing stones define the boundary,
with chains between the stones, except for two.

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me.
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here,
then two would make much better company.

I walked around the edge so very near,
around the bricks where heat did once pass through,
back to the front, where chains did not appear.

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view,
I did not dare step into Henry’s room.

[Markworth]

Cool, got the OP edited. Thanks!

Hi, Mark, I think the edit is an improvement. The site's preferred way to post an edit is to edit your OP and place the labeled edit above your original. This helps readers critique the current version and compare the two.

Jeez, those capitals and lack of punctuation were annoying. Edit:

Henry's Room (at Walden Pond)

I did not dare step into Henry’s room.
Where standing stones define the boundary,
with chains between the stones, except for two.

His footsteps there were footsteps not for me.
Perhaps I would if Henry was still here,
then two would make much better company.

I walked around the edge so very near,
around the bricks where heat did once pass through,
back to the front, where chains did not appear.

And there I stopped and did enjoy the view,
I did not dare step into Henry’s room.

[bbcashdollar]

I want to learn or at have a glimpse as to why the narrator is so reluctant to follow in the footsteps of Thoreau? Is it something about the Walden experiment or the mythology about his self imposed isolation? Is that's what's hinted at in the reference to company? I think reluctance to follow a man the narrator clearly admires is where the tension is in this piece. I'd like you to draw it out.