Sunbright by William Marsland.

[billy]

sunrise infects me
strokes and wakes
with oven hot mitts
making pimples sprout erect
you can see them/it
fucking up a sightless face
working in unison
an invisible tag team
slapping me around

sunrise infects me
penetrates me cock-like
fucks me over deliciously
inseminating my waking hours
with half life images
of blacks on black
fizzling out sparkler-esque

sunrise infects me
emotional sprinkler systems
whir and whiz
throwing emotional waters
onto the fires of emotional vignettes
snap shots of once seeing eyes

sunrise
has always infected me

[addy]

Lovely read, this one. I like waking up like this

sunrise infects me
strokes and wakes
with oven hot mitts love this image
making pimples sprout erect I think "erect" is already redundant... we know that if gooseflesh rises its a given that its erect
you can see them/it what's them/it? (sorry, I only understood we were talking about sunlight )
fucking up a sightless face
working in unison
an invisible tag team
slapping me around

sunrise infects me
penetrates me cock-like
fucks me over deliciously
inseminating my waking hours LOL interesting imagery
with half life images "half-life" (i think)
of blacks on black
fizzling out sparkler-esque don't think you need to say it as "-esque"...

sunrise infects me
emotional sprinkler systems
whir and whiz
throwing emotional waters don't quite like the repetition of "emotional"... I know it's probably style, but I don't see it adding anythingonto the fire of an emotional vinaigrette
a snap shot of once seeing eyes

sunrise
has always infected me

[billy]

i did an edit which i thought i'd posted

it went like this ;

sunrise infects me
strokes and wakes
with oven hot mitts
making pimples sprout erect
you can see them/it
fucking up a sightless face
working in unison
an invisible tag team
slapping me around

sunrise infects me
penetrates me cock-like
fucks me over deliciously
inseminating my waking hours
with half life images
of blacks on black
spent sparklers fizzling

sunrise infects me
emotional sprinkler systems
whir and whiz
throwing imaginative waters
onto the fires of real vinaigrettes
snap shots of once seeing eyes

sunrise
has always infected me

bugger, i was sure i'd done it
anyway, i concur about the repetition.

I was trying to use half life as a reference to her length of blindness, i should have been more specific with it i think.

them is the pimples and it is the sunrise.

as always addy, thanks for the feedback.

[addy]

Ah, well it's an easy mistake. No worries, just ignore th parts of my critique that don't apply anymore.

BTW, I think you mean "vignettes" and not "vinaigrettes"?

[billy]

no addy, i specifically meant a salad dressing

just kidding lmao. thanks for that.
I did an edit

[heslopian]

I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun, and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better?
The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.
The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.
Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").

[billy]

[quote='Heslopian' pid='40929' dateline='1286370617']
[quote]I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun,[/quote]
yep thats it, a love affair with the sun fucking me. (seriously)

[quote]and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better? [/quote] it's a good kind of infection like laughter.

[quote]The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.[/quote] i did an edit in post number 3,

[quote]The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.[/quote] you have a point, it does seem a little forced.

[quote]Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").
[/quote]

thanks for the feedback jack, when i do the next edit i'll take your comments and see if i can work with them.

[heslopian]

[quote='Heslopian' pid='40929' dateline='1286370617']

I don't like the use of the word "deliciously," as it contradicts the general feeling, I think. It sounds like you're enjoying being fucked by the sun,

yep thats it, a love affair with the sun fucking me. (seriously)

and how it infects you. Would "horrifically," or some derivative thereof, work better?

it's a good kind of infection like laughter.

The repetition of "emotional" irked me also. Just seems a bit clunky.

i did an edit in post number 3,

The final line "sunrise has/always infected me" seems a bit extraneous (hypocritical, I know, coming from a writer whose cornered the field in extraneous closers!). I think the piece would work better if it ended after "eyes." That "snapshot" image is so good anyway, that rounding off with it would leave a strong impact.

you have a point, it does seem a little forced.

Other than that, though, a disturbing yet weirdly funny poem, with some great images (I'm especially fond of the "oven hot mitts").

thanks for the feedback jack, when i do the next edit i'll take your comments and see if i can work with them.

Ah sorry I seem to have completely mis-interpreted your poem!

[billy]

that normally happens to me lmao no probs

when you said it looked like the sun was fucking me, i take you missed these two less obvious lines;
i'll try an be less ambiguos next time

[sunrise infects me
penetrates me cock-like