Love Sonnet

[alatos]

I’ve strained and pulled; I’ve given all I can.
Yet bound in links of iron dollar signs
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines,
I’m told that this is how to be a man.

So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here:
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,
and getting by... and cowering, in fear.

But what is this that now I feel so free?
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins
to show me everything that I can be.

And now, with hope at last, my soul can see
that I belong with you, and you with me.

[Am I A Poet?]

I’ve strained and pulled; I’ve given all I can.
Yet chained in links of iron dollar signs "dollar signs" conveys your message but is unimaginative
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines,
I’m told that this is how to be a man. content wise, the first line is at a bit of a disconnect with the last three, which give a very solid image on their own.

So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here: progression from stanza to stanza is strong and a rare case of a justified use of "so".
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost this internal slant rhyme is great, it nails two of your three key words for me in this line (the other being "lost") Punctuation at the end of the line, to avoid having to use "in" to make the syntax work
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,
and getting by, and cowering in fear. the idea of fear hasn't really been built up to, just futility and economic ideas thus far. Bit abrupt for me

But what is this, I feel so suddenly? another very clear movement from stanza to stanza, a clinical structure to your message. Does the comma have a function?
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains repetition of "chain" could be substituted for "bonds"? Comma at the end of the line?
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins what is "time-worn" supposed to convey in the context of the imagery so far?
to show me everything that I can be. cliché alert

And now, with hope at last, my eyes can see
that I belong with you, and you with me. weak last stanza. Structurally consistent with your division of themes which is admirable, but full of tired images like "eyes can see" and "I belong with you, and you with me"

There's definitely a poem here, but the last two lines fizzle the creativity out. The movement from being chained to being lost seemed a confusing jump of imagery to me, with the economics imagery trying, but being inadequate, to tie it. The structure of your stanzas is great, developing a clear flow of logical thinking in what they try to achieve.

The language about love becomes very specific to an individual, while seeming to refer to the generic, spiritual power of love on the narrative voice. This is a bit of an inaccurate message to me, but the rhythm reads well for me (I'm not an expert in meter so don't take my word for it) and overall I liked this poem. A few clichés here and there to tighten up though.

Thanks for reading.

[Erthona]

This line seems a bit off "Yet chained in links of iron dollar signs".

For my taste the poem seems a tad grandiloquent, although at times you have some clever phrases, such as :

" faithless soul who’s fated to be lost
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,"


Best,

Dale

[SilverMire]

I’ve strained and pulled; I’ve given all I can. I'd consider getting rid of the period here and employing a little enjambment.
Yet bound in links of iron dollar signs
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines,
I’m told that this is how to be a man.

So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here:
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost If you've been end-stopping line previously, I think between this and the next begs for some sort of punctuation.
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,
and getting by... and cowering, in fear.

But what is this that now I feel so free? I'd consider revising this. A sonnet is supposed to sing, this feels a little stop-start
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins
to show me everything that I can be.

And now, with hope at last, my soul can see
that I belong with you, and you with me. Slight cliché to end, but that's ok

Hope these things help in some small way. The art of rhyming is to make the words so appropriate that one almost misses the rhyme - it's smething I'm still working on myself

[kindofahippy]

Hey Alatos,

Love is always a risky theme, full of cliches. In your attempt to avoid that, this poem becomes confusing. I read a theme of a lover who is dealing with the regular life stuff, trying to make ends meet and having to make all that money to support his lifestyle, and his/her partner makes all that worry melt away. It would make more sense if it tied in to the idea of love being invaluable, rather than a panacea for anxiety.

I’ve strained and pulled; I’ve given all I can. "I've" feels stressed, if so this line loses its meter
Yet bound in links of iron dollar signs apropos nothing, capital Yet throws off the rhythm, which is supposed to be lyrical
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines, Here I read proper ambiguity: "depleted" and "tired" in the diurnal rut of the nine to five. Nice imagery.
I’m told that this is how to be a man. By whom? The father, the coworkers?

So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here: This question is commonly asked.
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost The alliteration here is ingenious, since faith and fate go hand in hand
a lifetime in a world of counting cost, The inversion here is of desperate forced rhyme element
and getting by... and cowering, in fear. Fear makes less logical sense than worry or anxiety in this context

But what is this that now I feel so free?
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins
to show me everything that I can be. I want to say this is cliche, but I'm having trouble searching for poems like this.

And now, with hope at last, my soul can see
that I belong with you, and you with me. I know that the theme of being destined to meet is cliche, and many poems like that have been written before, but I'm not sure how to google that.

[Willpark]

I’ve strained and pulled; I’ve given all I can.
Yet bound in links of iron dollar signs
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines,
I’m told that this is how to be a man.

So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here: this works. even though it borders cliche, I think it works fine
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,
and getting by... and cowering, in fear.

But what is this that now I feel so free?
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins
to show me everything that I can be.

And now, with hope at last, my soul can see
that I belong with you, and you with me. I'm not sure how you can avoid this cliche, because the last line is central to your poem, but it's just such a classic cliche. Maybe to try to put a new spin on it?

I like this poem. I has a good meaning/message and is executed fairly well. You come close to cliches at times, so be wary of that (they've mostly been pointed out in above crits so I think you get the idea). My only main suggestion is that to avoid a cliche, all you have to do is modify the statement, or think of a creative way to express the cliched idea.

[expiring_touch]

I liked it. There's not much more to add to what's already been said, but what I particularly like is the self-deprecating irony, the not-taking-oneself too seriously, --- and I hope that the use of cliches was intentional to build up the image of a lovesick hero, who writes love sonnets.