Magnificence

[aerickson]

Magnificence
Elegy for an old Oak tree

Twisted like an old man;
A senescent magnificence with
Thousands of curling fingers
stretching desperately for his lover,
but never grasping, never having,
only yearning;
too many limbs hanging with age,
he is too empty to be filled again.
Only his hunger remains.
She is too far, too high above him.
Her brightness can never be owned,
only gazed at.
Her luminous eye watches him tenderly,
but age has left him blind, and
as a blind man taps his cane, so
he taps the sky fruitlessly.
All alone but for the rare leaf
clinging in an odd loyalty to an old life;
Magnificence crumbling in on itself while
laughing wind mocks his efforts;
howling around his rough skin
and greedily pulling at errant twigs.
It is not long now.
The opus of the oak and the sun
will falter
and lay quiet on the forest floor.
But the sun will not forget her lover.
Hers is an everlasting passion.
She will gaze lovingly upon him,
coaxing life from death;
raising a new memorial
to his magnificence.

[/align][/align][/align]

[ellajam]

Hi and welcome. Thanks for the fine critiques you've given others.

There's a lot here I like. I'm not a fan of the center alignment, I understand it suits the subject, but for me it doesn't add enough to justify the less comfortable read (and you can edit to clean up those loose aligns at the bottom ).

Here are a few notes.

Magnificence
Elegy for an old Oak tree

Twisted like an old man;
A senescent magnificence with
Thousands of curling fingers
Lower case thousands
stretching desperately for his lover,
I like the whole relationship here.
but never grasping, never having,
only yearning;
too many limbs hanging with age,
he is too empty to be filled again.
Only his hunger remains.
She is too far, too high above him.
She's always been that high above him, your point?
Her brightness can never be owned,
only gazed at.
Her luminous eye watches him tenderly,
but age has left him blind, and
"And" and "so" are noticeably weak breaks.
as a blind man taps his cane, so
he taps the sky fruitlessly.
All alone but for the rare leaf
clinging in an odd loyalty to an old life;
The semicolon confused me, I applied the next line to the leaf.
Magnificence crumbling in on itself while
laughing wind mocks his efforts;
howling around his rough skin
and greedily pulling at errant twigs.
It is not long now.
The opus of the oak and the sun
Opus was a surprise here, not sure it fits.
will falter
and lay quiet on the forest floor.
But the sun will not forget her lover.
Love this whole ending, very effective.
Hers is an everlasting passion.
She will gaze lovingly upon him,
coaxing life from death;
raising a new memorial
to his magnificence.

[/align][/align][/align]

Thanks for the read, I live where the oaks reach for the sun over the houses, scary.
Ours become firewood, I really enjoyed yours replenishing the forest floor.

Oh, and I think you've posted enough to have this moved to a workshop, just ask a mod if you're interested.

[aerickson]

Thank you for your comments. I will work on this poem again. I am new to this whole forum thing and I am so pumped about the comments I've gotten for my two poems - it's great. It's a nice break from showing my poems to my family and having them say "that's nice". I am also enjoying learning from other poets as I comment and critique! Thanks again!

Hi and welcome. Thanks for the fine critiques you've given others.

There's a lot here I like. I'm not a fan of the center alignment, I understand it suits the subject, but for me it doesn't add enough to justify the less comfortable read (and you can edit to clean up those loose aligns at the bottom ).

Here are a few notes.

Magnificence
Elegy for an old Oak tree

Twisted like an old man;
A senescent magnificence with
Thousands of curling fingers
Lower case thousands
stretching desperately for his lover,
I like the whole relationship here.
but never grasping, never having,
only yearning;
too many limbs hanging with age,
he is too empty to be filled again.
Only his hunger remains.
She is too far, too high above him.
She's always been that high above him, your point?
Her brightness can never be owned,
only gazed at.
Her luminous eye watches him tenderly,
but age has left him blind, and
"And" and "so" are noticeably weak breaks.
as a blind man taps his cane, so
he taps the sky fruitlessly.
All alone but for the rare leaf
clinging in an odd loyalty to an old life;
The semicolon confused me, I applied the next line to the leaf.
Magnificence crumbling in on itself while
laughing wind mocks his efforts;
howling around his rough skin
and greedily pulling at errant twigs.
It is not long now.
The opus of the oak and the sun
Opus was a surprise here, not sure it fits.
will falter
and lay quiet on the forest floor.
But the sun will not forget her lover.
Love this whole ending, very effective.
Hers is an everlasting passion.
She will gaze lovingly upon him,
coaxing life from death;
raising a new memorial
to his magnificence.

[/align][/align][/align]

Thanks for the read, I live where the oaks reach for the sun over the houses, scary.
Ours become firewood, I really enjoyed yours replenishing the forest floor.

Oh, and I think you've posted enough to have this moved to a workshop, just ask a mod if you're interested.

[ChristopherSea]

I am a tree loving fanatic. I have planting over 75 of them covering more than 20 species. I have many tree poems and references in my work. I feel the pain herein.

This is a nice 'Elegy to Quercus', but bittersweet of course. You have portrayed the tragedy well. I like concrete poetry and center alignment is a good idea for this particular poem, as it resembles the gnarled and twisted trunk, as well as the shaggy bark of an old oak (I am a bonsai enthusiast too). I wonder if you could do even more with it, offsetting lines to the left and right to create more of a twisted trunk. It is a bit difficult to space in MyCode, but there are instructions on site:

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11421&pid=135838#pid135838

You should recheck your punctuation; the first line needs a period or colon after tree. You have a few comas that should serve as natural breaks. However, you enjamb one word after them several times. You also have a semicolon followed by a capital (...life; Magnificence...). Check this to see if you want a period, comma or semicolon there and correct the cap or complete the sentence accordingly. Also, you have used 'magnificence' a least five times, including the title and you may want to consider substituting some alternates. Majesty and splendor came to mind.

Nice job and welcome to the site. Cheers/Chris

[aerickson]

Thank you for your input. I will check my punctuation. I'm still trying to figure out punctuation in poetry because I know how important it can be. Thank you again!

I am a tree loving fanatic. I have planting over 75 of them covering more than 20 species. I have many tree poems and references in my work. I feel the pain herein.

This is a nice 'Elegy to Quercus', but bittersweet of course. You have portrayed the tragedy well. I like concrete poetry and center alignment is a good idea for this particular poem, as it resembles the gnarled and twisted trunk, as well as the shaggy bark of an old oak (I am a bonsai enthusiast too). I wonder if you could do even more with it, offsetting lines to the left and right to create more of a twisted trunk. It is a bit difficult to space in MyCode, but there are instructions on site:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.p...hite+space

You should recheck your punctuation; the first line needs a period or colon after tree. You have a few comas that should serve as natural breaks. However, you enjamb one word after them several times. You also have a semicolon followed by a capital (...life; Magnificence...). Check this to see if you want a period, comma or semicolon there and correct the cap or complete the sentence accordingly. Also, you have used 'magnificence' a least five times, including the title and you may want to consider substituting some alternates. Majesty and splendor came to mind.

Nice job and welcome to the site. Cheers/Chris

[aerickson]

Do I ask the mod of a workshop or forum if I can post it there or do I just post it again?

Hi and welcome. Thanks for the fine critiques you've given others.

There's a lot here I like. I'm not a fan of the center alignment, I understand it suits the subject, but for me it doesn't add enough to justify the less comfortable read (and you can edit to clean up those loose aligns at the bottom ).

Here are a few notes.

Magnificence
Elegy for an old Oak tree

Twisted like an old man;
A senescent magnificence with
Thousands of curling fingers
Lower case thousands
stretching desperately for his lover,
I like the whole relationship here.
but never grasping, never having,
only yearning;
too many limbs hanging with age,
he is too empty to be filled again.
Only his hunger remains.
She is too far, too high above him.
She's always been that high above him, your point?
Her brightness can never be owned,
only gazed at.
Her luminous eye watches him tenderly,
but age has left him blind, and
"And" and "so" are noticeably weak breaks.
as a blind man taps his cane, so
he taps the sky fruitlessly.
All alone but for the rare leaf
clinging in an odd loyalty to an old life;
The semicolon confused me, I applied the next line to the leaf.
Magnificence crumbling in on itself while
laughing wind mocks his efforts;
howling around his rough skin
and greedily pulling at errant twigs.
It is not long now.
The opus of the oak and the sun
Opus was a surprise here, not sure it fits.
will falter
and lay quiet on the forest floor.
But the sun will not forget her lover.
Love this whole ending, very effective.
Hers is an everlasting passion.
She will gaze lovingly upon him,
coaxing life from death;
raising a new memorial
to his magnificence.

[/align][/align][/align]

Thanks for the read, I live where the oaks reach for the sun over the houses, scary.
Ours become firewood, I really enjoyed yours replenishing the forest floor.

Oh, and I think you've posted enough to have this moved to a workshop, just ask a mod if you're interested.

[Leanne]

I'll move the whole thread for you -- which forum would you like it in?

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you for your input. I will check my punctuation. I'm still trying to figure out punctuation in poetry because I know how important it can be. Thank you again!

I am a tree loving fanatic. I have planting over 75 of them covering more than 20 species. I have many tree poems and references in my work. I feel the pain herein.

This is a nice 'Elegy to Quercus', but bittersweet of course. You have portrayed the tragedy well. I like concrete poetry and center alignment is a good idea for this particular poem, as it resembles the gnarled and twisted trunk, as well as the shaggy bark of an old oak (I am a bonsai enthusiast too). I wonder if you could do even more with it, offsetting lines to the left and right to create more of a twisted trunk. It is a bit difficult to space in MyCode, but there are instructions on site:

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11421&pid=135838#pid135838

You should recheck your punctuation; the first line needs a period or colon after tree. You have a few comas that should serve as natural breaks. However, you enjamb one word after them several times. You also have a semicolon followed by a capital (...life; Magnificence...). Check this to see if you want a period, comma or semicolon there and correct the cap or complete the sentence accordingly. Also, you have used 'magnificence' a least five times, including the title and you may want to consider substituting some alternates. Majesty and splendor came to mind.

Nice job and welcome to the site. Cheers/Chris

---

Thank you for your input. I will check my punctuation. I'm still trying to figure out punctuation in poetry because I know how important it can be. Thank you again!

I am a tree loving fanatic. I have planting over 75 of them covering more than 20 species. I have many tree poems and references in my work. I feel the pain herein.

This is a nice 'Elegy to Quercus', but bittersweet of course. You have portrayed the tragedy well. I like concrete poetry and center alignment is a good idea for this particular poem, as it resembles the gnarled and twisted trunk, as well as the shaggy bark of an old oak (I am a bonsai enthusiast too). I wonder if you could do even more with it, offsetting lines to the left and right to create more of a twisted trunk. It is a bit difficult to space in MyCode, but there are instructions on site:

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11421&pid=135838#pid135838

You should recheck your punctuation; the first line needs a period or colon after tree. You have a few comas that should serve as natural breaks. However, you enjamb one word after them several times. You also have a semicolon followed by a capital (...life; Magnificence...). Check this to see if you want a period, comma or semicolon there and correct the cap or complete the sentence accordingly. Also, you have used 'magnificence' a least five times, including the title and you may want to consider substituting some alternates. Majesty and splendor came to mind.

Nice job and welcome to the site. Cheers/Chris

I corrected the link for indenting.

[aerickson]

Thank you! Could you post it in either the novice one or the mild critique one for now. I appreciate it.

Anna

I'll move the whole thread for you -- which forum would you like it in?