Bifurcation

[expiring_touch]

On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds
in mid-spring bloom - right now
when we none of us can fail or care
to know the future.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.

[Mopkins]

On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds (heard of three-somes but what is a two-some? This is vague)
in mid-spring bloom - right now (the minds are blooming?)
when we none of us can fail (at what? Surely not reading the future as in the next line?) or care
to know the future.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees (repetition of sang/unsung bit monotonous and what is an unsung tree anyhow?)
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror (alliterative but nonsensical)
covered with black velvet. (unclear what is covered here and why)
I started (up?) like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.

I couldn’t garner much from the poem, someone sitting thinking about someone is basically all I took from it. Hope my notes help


Marianne

[ChristopherSea]

Hi ET, There is some potential in the piece, but as is, there is far too much abstraction. You have not defined or properly described the scission denoted by the title. ‘when we none’ looks like a typo, delete that ‘we’. If it is a punctuation error, than it is redundant (i.e. when we, none of us,...). Beneath the ‘shades’ should be singular. Sang/unsung is kind of one of those pseudo poetic devices that does not sit well. Something like adventures unsung could work in a piece because there, is something worthy of chronicling. ‘Etching my life line’ might be better, but it borders on cliché. I like the eyes and mouth, but covering them is hard to reconcile. I liked the bird/drift/midriff play, but ‘all that was, was fair’ is another abstraction. Come full circle is a convergence and not a divergence. I think your theme needs to be defined and illustrated better. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

[benno_422]

I really enjoyed some of the lines in this poem, particularly 'eyes for embers and mouth for mirror', but there were also some others that could be improved. Beneath the shade of unsung trees is almost a bit too fantasy novel-esque, I feel.
As ChristopherSea said above, there are some easy grammar mistakes to fix as well.

B

[Erthona]

On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds
in mid-spring bloom - right now
when we none of us can fail or care <"when we none of us"? nonsensical>
to know the future.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.

Sorry, but I gave up on line by line, too much trouble. The writer just seems to be throwing out any phrase that comes to mind and seeing if it sticks. The last sentence is a run on.

I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift across my midriff; and all that was, was fair, we've come full circle.

"we've come full circle" cliche.

As Marianne said, I got little out of this, A lot of ambiguous phrases. Take the last sentence.

"I started like a bird this night". Does this mean you started as a bird starts, or you were startled as a bird is startled?

That's about the best I can do for you at the moment.

Best,

dale

[LorettaYoung]

On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds
in mid-spring bloom - right now
when we none of us can fail or care
to know the future.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet.
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.

---

Hi, I'm a newbie so what do I know. I find it difficult to read the poem, i really find a lack of flow and sound. A few of the words I find difficult are "two-some minds", unsung trees, why, a "mouth for mirror", and "black velvet".

[Kaldwin]

On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds Does this mean that someone is undecided? Being of 'two minds'? Or is it referencing two different people.
in mid-spring bloom - right now I don't see why this phrase is necessary.
when we none of us can fail or care
to know the future. a nice attempt to capture the nostalgia of careless times.
I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet. - a metaphor for night?
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.

It was challenging to decipher some of this poem, but I get the feeling that it's about the reflection of one person on times past.

[abu nuwas]

I daresay everyone else commenting is talking great sense. I didn't get much first off, and felt slightly irritated. However, to my ear, meaning or no meaning, it sounds well, and has a familiar rhythm. Your first lines are quite legitimate. It is no different from saying '' Nowadays, I swim under the water'' i.e., adverbial phrase, subject, adverbial phrase. There is no reason to knock it on grammatical grounds.

I think 'two-some minds' is good. By an odd coincidence, I mentioned bifurcation just this week, as a legal trick, but the mental picture, say, of a road dividing -bifurcating - does not preclude the possibility of the paths rejoining each other. If one enters a maze, one has first to decide whether to take the right or left-hand path. Thee trees around do come full circle, and so would the paths, were they not blocked off by the designer.

I am in a rush --there is probably rather too much singing going on, for me. I do not object to the conversational tone. I hope a better critic gives you suggestions, as I do not feel it is a great fail, principally, because it sounds so well.

[QDeathstar]

On this night I sit
in the back alley of dreams, of two-some minds
in mid-spring bloom - right now
when we none of us can fail or care
to know the future.

we cant be wrong, we don't have rules, we're with each other, here and now


I knew your face before, it sang
beneath the shades of unsung trees
etched on my life line –

i was with you once
eyes for embers and mouth for mirror
covered with black velvet.
didnt like it
I started like a bird this night, a cooling drift
across my midriff; and all that was,
was fair, we've come
full circle.
we have a chance to start again

I feel that this poem is talking about the feeling you have right before your a "confirmed couple" and that the author has a chance to start again, to gain that feeling again.


However, it feels like it lacks emotion. Almost like the author wants to believe in "that feeling" again, but hasn't truly experienced it.