The Daimon -edited

[Mopkins]

ist edit

The Daimon


The daimon dwells within you, like your higher self and soul.
Chatting with him is simple. This is what I have been told.
He communicates in twitches, or touches soft and fleeting.
To start conversing with him, in thoughts send him a greeting.

You may not notice his response at first, in time you will,
the secret is an open mind and sitting quiet and still.
He’ll twitch the sole of your right foot to comment in his way
On what you’re thinking at the time, or on the things you say.

If something that you’re thinking’s right, your right thigh he will twitch
in agreement with that thought, you’ll think that it’s just an itch;
but it’s the daimon inside, speaking in his way to you,
commenting on your fleeting thoughts, I’m told this is the truth.

You may feel a sensation in the cheek he softly strokes
when you’re thinking of things cheeky or telling him a joke.
and the clothing on your shoulder may suddenly shift;
he pats you sympathetically, your mournful mood to lift.

When you are well acquainted, a sensation in the lips
Is an indication of his affectionate kiss
For the daimon lives within and he speaks internally
in twitches and in twinges- that’s what’s been told to me.




Original
The Daimon

The daimon dwells within you, like your higher self and soul.
Conversing with him’s simple. This is what I have been told-
he communicates in twitches or touches soft and fleeting.
To start conversing with him, first think at him a greeting.

There’s no need to speak aloud, your emotions to express,
he can read your thoughts at will, when to him they’re addressed.
They’re very fond of humour, and a twitch in either sole
means what you just thought at him tickled his listening soul.

If something you think at him’s right, your right thigh he will twitch
in agreeance with that thought, you’ll think that it’s just an itch;
but it’s the daimon inside, speaking in his way to you,
answering your fleetest thoughts, I’m told this is the truth.

You may feel a sensation in the cheek he softly strokes
when you think at him things cheeky or make a private joke,
and the clothing on your shoulder may suddenly shift;
he pats you sympathetically, your mournful mood to lift.

And when you are well acquainted, your lips he may well kiss-
you must be still and concentrate to experience this.
For the daimon lives within and answers internally
in twitches and in twinges- that’s what’s been told to me.


Daimon
by Alan G. Hefner
Daimon is the Greek derivative for the term demon. In this sense the term "demon" means "replete with knowledge." The ancient Greeks thought there were good and bad demons called 'eudemons' and 'cacodemons.' The term 'daimon' means "divine power," "fate" or "god." Daimons, in Greek mythology, included deified heroes. They were considered intermediary spirits between men and the gods. Good daimons were considered to be guardian spirits, giving guidance and protection to the ones they watched over. Bad daimons led people astray. Socrates said he had a life-time daimon that always warned him of danger and bad judgment, but never directed his actions. He said his daimon was more accurate than omens of either watching the flights or reading the entrails of birds, which were two respected forms of divination of the time.

[tectak]

The Daimon

The daimon dwells within you, like your higher self and soul.
Conversing with him’s simple. This is what I have been told-"..him's simple" is borderline acceptable but clonky. Drop the dash at the end and call it a sentence. Why? because it IS a sentence.
he communicates in twitches or touches soft and fleeting.Capital "He" as new sentence then period for same reason as before
To start conversing with him, first think at him a greeting.No...you cannot be allowed to get away with "...think at him a greeting". It is just too bad. "To start conversing with him , in thoughts send him a greeting" Your poem.

There’s no need to speak aloud, your emotions to express,
he can read your thoughts at will, when to him they’re addressed.This couplet relies on two inversions. There MUST be a better way to secure a simple rhyme
They’re very fond of humour, and a twitch in either sole
means what you just thought at him tickled his listening soul.Quite dreadful. They, him, thought at (AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!), soul sole "(AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!) Rewrite. That is the mild thing to say.

If something you think at him’s right, your right thigh he will twitch No. You cannot "think at". Right right. Have you got that?
in agreeance with that thought, you’ll think that it’s just an itch;"agreeance" is out of date by about 500years. It is an old english chestnut. Agreement is much better. Agreed?
but it’s the daimon inside, speaking in his way to you,
answering your fleetest thoughts, I’m told this is the truth.Thoughts are not questions. Questions are questions. Q) I am a fleet thought. A) Wha..who...wh...

You may feel a sensation in the cheek he softly strokes
when you think at him things cheeky or make a private joke,
and the clothing on your shoulder may suddenly shift;
he pats you sympathetically, your mournful mood to lift.This is a better stanza except for you know what. Even as an affectation of speech it is just plain wrong. Watch out, too, for forced rhymes. They are becoming a problem.

And when you are well acquainted, your lips he may well kiss-Well well.
you must be still and concentrate to experience this.
For the daimon lives within and answers internally
in twitches and in twinges- that’s what’s been told to me.Hmmm. There is a strong indication that the language you use is child like. NOT childish. Are you deliberately trying to infer that this is the fantasy-talk of a young person? I do not say this in any way critically, but it changes my whole critique if this is the case....though not for the better, certainly for the betterment of poetry. Cool concept, though. Dredging up obscure and mythical Greek gods and godesses is rich pickings for subject starved poets. Nothing wrong with that but you need to be sure of your understanding to really make it work. Brownie points for trying.
Best,
tectak


Daimon
by Alan G. Hefner
Daimon is the Greek derivative for the term demon. In this sense the term "demon" means "replete with knowledge." The ancient Greeks thought there were good and bad demons called 'eudemons' and 'cacodemons.' The term 'daimon' means "divine power," "fate" or "god." Daimons, in Greek mythology, included deified heroes. They were considered intermediary spirits between men and the gods. Good daimons were considered to be guardian spirits, giving guidance and protection to the ones they watched over. Bad daimons led people astray. Socrates said he had a life-time daimon that always warned him of danger and bad judgment, but never directed his actions. He said his daimon was more accurate than omens of either watching the flights or reading the entrails of birds, which were two respected forms of divination of the time.

[Mopkins]

The Daimon

The daimon dwells within you, like your higher self and soul.
Conversing with him’s simple. This is what I have been told-"..him's simple" is borderline acceptable but clonky. Drop the dash at the end and call it a sentence. Why? because it IS a sentence.

thanks, I'll edit that.

he communicates in twitches or touches soft and fleeting.Capital "He" as new sentence then period for same reason as before
To start conversing with him, first think at him a greeting.No...you cannot be allowed to get away with "...think at him a greeting". It is just too bad. "To start conversing with him , in thoughts send him a greeting" Your poem.

i like your substitution - it does make more sense than 'think at'

There’s no need to speak aloud, your emotions to express,
he can read your thoughts at will, when to him they’re addressed.This couplet relies on two inversions. There MUST be a better way to secure a simple rhyme

it is all a bit backwards isn't it? I'll think about replacement lines or a better way of saying it.

They’re very fond of humour, and a twitch in either sole
means what you just thought at him tickled his listening soul.Quite dreadful. They, him, thought at (AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!), soul sole "(AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!) Rewrite. That is the mild thing to say.Smile

agree that it's rather dreadful - i'll work on it

If something you think at him’s right, your right thigh he will twitch No. You cannot "think at". Right right. Have you got that?

it's sinking in slowly


in agreeance with that thought, you’ll think that it’s just an itch;"agreeance" is out of date by about 500years. It is an old english chestnut. Agreement is much better. Agreed?


agreed


but it’s the daimon inside, speaking in his way to you,
answering your fleetest thoughts, I’m told this is the truth.Thoughts are not questions. Questions are questions. Q) I am a fleet thought. A) Wha..who...wh...

yes - its a bit unclear isn't it

You may feel a sensation in the cheek he softly strokes
when you think at him things cheeky or make a private joke,
and the clothing on your shoulder may suddenly shift;
he pats you sympathetically, your mournful mood to lift.This is a better stanza except for you know what. Even as an affectation of speech it is just plain wrong. Watch out, too, for forced rhymes. They are becoming a problem.

noted

And when you are well acquainted, your lips he may well kiss-Well well.
you must be still and concentrate to experience this.
For the daimon lives within and answers internally
in twitches and in twinges- that’s what’s been told to me.Hmmm. There is a strong indication that the language you use is child like. NOT childish. Are you deliberately trying to infer that this is the fantasy-talk of a young person? I do not say this in any way critically, but it changes my whole critique if this is the case....though not for the better, certainly for the betterment of poetry. Cool concept, though. Dredging up obscure and mythical Greek gods and godesses is rich pickings for subject starved poets. Nothing wrong with that but you need to be sure of your understanding to really make it work. Brownie points for trying.
Best,
tectak


Hi tectak, thanks for the crit - it's appreciated. The idea I borrowed from both greek mythology and shamanism, tried to keep the language simple deliberately. I can now see it's going to need some serious work though (only finished it last night so it's a bit fresh for me to be properly critical) so thanks for your excellent input.

[SilverMire]

The Daimon

[/color]Don't know if I'm being a bit harsh right off the bat, but I'd say the form you've chosen doesn't really match the themes you're trying to convey. Elongated rhyming couplets almost makes it comical to my ear, but we'll see how it goes
The daimon dwells within you, like your higher self and soul.
Conversing with him’s simple. This is what I have been told- Last half of this line comes across really forced
he communicates in twitches or touches soft and fleeting. Stick an "in" before touches, or at least place a coma after twitches as a visual caesura.
To start conversing with him, first think at him a greeting. Consider revising this phrase, doesn't make sense / hold anything of value to me.

There’s no need to speak aloud, your emotions to express,
he can read your thoughts at will, when to him they’re addressed.Feels like you're missing an accent / foot here?
They’re very fond of humour, and a twitch in either sole
means what you just thought at him tickled his listening soul. ...Sorry, I think you'll have to change this line. The "rich rhyme" really doesn't cut it for me, metre doesn't sit quite right, feels like it's just stumbling to the end.

If something you think at him’s right, your right thigh he will twitch
in agreeance with that thought, you’ll think that it’s just an itch; Agreeance? Accordance perhaps
but it’s the daimon inside, speaking in his way to you,
answering your fleetest thoughts, I’m told this is the truth. Feels like the metre is really struggling to hold itself this past stanza.

You may feel a sensation in the cheek he softly strokes
when you think at him things cheeky or make a private joke,
and the clothing on your shoulder may suddenly shift;
he pats you sympathetically, your mournful mood to lift.

And when you are well acquainted, your lips he may well kiss-
you must be still and concentrate to experience this. Real wrenched accent...
For the daimon lives within and answers internally
in twitches and in twinges- that’s what’s been told to me.


Daimon
by Alan G. Hefner
Daimon is the Greek derivative for the term demon. In this sense the term "demon" means "replete with knowledge." The ancient Greeks thought there were good and bad demons called 'eudemons' and 'cacodemons.' The term 'daimon' means "divine power," "fate" or "god." Daimons, in Greek mythology, included deified heroes. They were considered intermediary spirits between men and the gods. Good daimons were considered to be guardian spirits, giving guidance and protection to the ones they watched over. Bad daimons led people astray. Socrates said he had a life-time daimon that always warned him of danger and bad judgment, but never directed his actions. He said his daimon was more accurate than omens of either watching the flights or reading the entrails of birds, which were two respected forms of divination of the time.

I admire your attempt at writing about such a theme Mopkins - my advice would be to tackle a shorter version of this first, really distill what you want to say. Maybe jot down two or three key ideas, then decide on a form that will really complements this. Also, don't feel forced to rhyme fully every couplet, slant rhymes can be a welcomed change-up

Hope this helps in some small way

[Mopkins]

hello and thanks for taking the time to crit this. It's still a very rough draft, as I only finished it the other night, and I'm useless at editing fresh work, so all input is welcome and appreciated. You make a good point about the form, I'm so used to writing everything in 14 syllable lines that it didn't occur to me that it may not be appropriate. Meters not my strong point either, I'm still a newb when it come to scanning my work... so your comments about that are appreciated.

Cheers


Marianne

[ellajam]

hello and thanks for taking the time to crit this. It's still a very rough draft, as I only finished it the other night, and I'm useless at editing fresh work, so all input is welcome and appreciated. You make a good point about the form, I'm so used to writing everything in 14 syllable lines that it didn't occur to me that it may not be appropriate. Meters not my strong point either, I'm still a newb when it come to scanning my work... so your comments about that are appreciated.

Cheers


Marianne

I don't think the problem is line length so much as rhyme scheme. I'm just learning forms myself and am finding abab to be more adaptable to mood. It takes me longer, with more shuffling around of bits of lines, but the end result seems tighter, more intricate, and can go serious or light. I'm not saying aabb can't, just letting you on to what I've been finding for myself.

To your poem, maybe if you changed all those "you"s and "your"s it would sound less preachy. I don't mind the rhyme scheme as I like my good and evil battle with a shrug and giggle. I'm sure you could do some good work with this, good luck with it.

[Mopkins]

hi ellajam, thanks for reading and commenting. I tend to write in alternating lines of 8 and 6 syllables initially (ABCB), then I end up shoehorning it into a 14 syllable line to make it flow better(AA). written most of my stuff like that since high school, so it's hard to get out of the habit of doing it. I've done a quick edit which I'll post, but to me it's still not right yet. I'm better at editing old poems than I am at editing fresh ones, I'm much more ruthless. I'll see what people think of the edit. thanks again for your time and thoughts

[ChristopherSea]

I see that demon/daimon in you Marianne! The poem is a bit light on the subject, but that is fine. I will remember that every twitch is 'him'. The flow and rhymes makes for a smooth read. I found some pause with the line: 'Conversing with him’s simple'. Not in meter, just the odd 'him's'. However, it could just be me. Could you substitute something like: 'Chatting with him is simple,' while maintaining your meter? See what you think, cheers./Chris

[Mopkins]

Hi Chris, my daimon is a eudaimon - that's why I'm such an angel. there are female daimons too I'm sure - yours might be a she not a him.

Your suggested replacement solves the problem of having two 'conversing's in the same stanza, thanks, I was looking for a way around that, and you've solved it nicely for me. I'll edit in in. Cheers

Marianne