violent sunrise on the island

[RSaba]

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach (on Vancouver Island) trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. . Fire away

This is Version #3

Violent Sunrise on the Island

As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose from the water,
the waves crashed over my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.


This is Version #2

Violent Sunrise on the Island
As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and here, hours from home,
I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose up from the water,
the waves crashed down at my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.

[billy]

a cap tends to give the piece, almost any piece a better starting point, but that's just my opinion

i do like the poem a lot, though one thing that doesn't work that well for me are the 4 lines that end with me, they don't do the job of a refrain and i think something else could be used or removed. there's a good solid feeling of seclusion as in a secret garden, in this instance the secret garden is the beach on the island, or a special place a person cares to be lost in.

i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
i keep seeing threw as through and it works perfectly in adding another level...my favourite part.

it read a little wordy in an odd place but it feels true, and it feels real and it feels original and it's worthy of a few more reads.

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. Note: let me know if the no-caps style works or doesn't. Fire away
i liked the subtle alliteration
violent sunrise on the island

as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me [the words at me] feel a tad too much and make me want to stay on the line in hope of finding out why
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me is [around me needed]?
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water i like how blue gives a serene feel when juxtaposed with violent.
and the waves crashed down at my feet is [and the] needed?
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me

[Brownlie]

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. Note: let me know if the no-caps style works or doesn't. Fire away

I'm going to do by my best with this one, but I'm not so good at critiquing this type of poem. You seem to use some sort of dwindling pattern that I don't recognize.

violent sunrise on the island -- Long Beach is
not an island, but Catalina is. As an interesting note about the area the various derricks and cement stacks are quite a disturbing site yet they can appear aesthetically pleasing in a way.

as the white moon roared over the mountains -- I'm a fan of roared because I think it sounds dramatic, but the moon doesn't make any sounds. In this case, the metaphorical language is somewhat shallow.
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me -- I love a good oxymoron
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been -- This is good enjambment
more dear to me
than now
I answered back, threw my thoughts --Not sure about this, unless you throwing your thoughts is related to a physical instance of scrawled writing on the sand or something the idea seems like it must have been done before.
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle -- How do roots rustle?

foreign land shifted around me
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water
and the waves crashed down at my feet
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me

That's quite a sunrise!

I think you do a lot right here you seem to have some symmetry which I often lack, but I think the content could be deeper. I could have missed some things though. It was a good poem.

[tectak]

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. Note: let me know if the no-caps style works or doesn't. Fire away

violent sunrise on the island

as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water
and the waves crashed down at my feet
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me

Hi rsaba,
Consistency substitutes for competancy. Be inconsistent and it looks like incompetance. No punctuation? Just one comma takes away the intent...so punctuate to clarity or risk obfuscation as the pedants like me try to unravel endless sentences
This is pleasingly metaphysical but needs some work to avoid splitting your thoughts in to gestalts. What is the old bugger on about? Well, all the as/and uses become terribly halting. You do not need to link-think your way through such a rich AND consistent journey. I won't advise you on how to do this because I think you know
"nature's never"...just as rollingly acceptable as "nature is never" as you have not tried, definitely NOT tried, to make meter master. Nor should you. Words and concepts rule OK?
Play from strength...always a good strategy.
This is me liking it.
Very best,
tectak

[RSaba]

Thank you all so much! I'll take this feedback and make a revised version, and then post it. I really appreciate this.

[rowens]

The words in bold in your poem seem the weakest to me.

as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now

I like how the sentence steps down and the lines get smaller...


i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon

then jump out again, and crossing the sand pulls down a little.

watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water
and the waves crashed down at my feet
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me

---

There is more in the poem that I wouldn't call weak but that could be much better.

[John Galt]

This is Version #2. Thanks so much for all the feedback! I decided to do it in proper sentence format, so I hope that added something as well.

Violent Sunrise on the Island

As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and here, hours from home,
I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose up from the water,
the waves crashed down at my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.


violent sunrise on the island This is the original version.

as the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed the words at me
a violent sunrise is on the way
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now
i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle
foreign land shifted around me
and here, hours from home
i felt glorious and alone
as the blue sun rose up from the water
and the waves crashed down at my feet
and the violent sunrise was over
leaving daylight
clear skies
and me
[/quote]

Hello RSaba, It does scan better with the punctuation.

I think you could do away with the last 4 lines.

The poem could be tightened in places, one example would be "and here hours from home" those words could be deleted because the use of "foreign land" does their job.

The word Down used in line 2 and line 17 would be another example.

I like your central thought here, which is "closeness to nature" and the central part of your poem (see below)

i answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me rustle

worked so perfectly, that it reminded me of a couplet I wrote that expresses the same sentiment.

Wild flowers roar
I roar back.

Thank you for posting this poem. JG

[RSaba]

Thanks John Galt and rowens. Will take another go at it!

[rowens]

Minor details are important even if they're unconscious and very, very minor.

All the me me me, especially since they often work in a rhyme here, can make or break the poem. But I guess it depends on who's reading it.

The small i paired with all the me me me, as well as some other things going on in the poem, may seem like a silly psychoanalytic reading and maybe it is, but all details are worth considering when making a poem. Even if they don't go far.

[Wjames]

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach (on Vancouver Island) trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. . Fire away

This is Version #3

Violent Sunrise on the Island

As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me- I like this line better without "at me"
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose from the water,
the waves crashed over my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over, I think you could find a better word than "over" to end this line with, especially considering you used it in the line before. I would use something like "calm".
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.

Those are the only two "cents" I have to offer, do with them what you will; it's already a great poem as is. I really like your stuff, I followed you on the deepunderground (which is really not a very good poetry site), and I'm glad to see you over here.

[billy]

i never stated that i saw threw my thoughts across the sand as a metaphor for getting rid of problems.

i did and it's one of the reasons i liked it. it's one of those metaphors you can relate to even if it was meant to mean something else.

---

thankfully not a big edit. the contraction works well. while it reads well without, i think i liked the up and down of the last edit, they added a sort of slow motion to the imagery of the piece...but that's just my pov.

i'd be very wary of going on with to many edits from here. perhaps let it rest a while and then tweak it if needed in a months time.

A poem I wrote after a Long Beach (on Vancouver Island) trip. Looking for feedback/criticism on, like, everything! I've never been on a site that gives actual feedback and I really appreciate how things work here. . Fire away

This is Version #3

Violent Sunrise on the Island

As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose from the water,
the waves crashed over my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.


This is Version #2

Violent Sunrise on the Island
As the white moon roared over the mountains
and the black sky slid down toward the sea
my silent footsteps screamed these words at me-
a violent sunrise is on the way,
and nature's never been
more dear to me
than now.
I answered back, threw my thoughts
across the sand
and shattered them on the horizon,
watched them fall among the trees near shore
and heard the roots beneath me somehow rustle.
Foreign land shifted around me,
and here, hours from home,
I felt glorious and alone.
The blue sun rose up from the water,
the waves crashed down at my feet,
and the violent sunrise was over,
leaving daylight,
clear skies
and me.

[RSaba]

Thanks everyone! And Wjames: I agree, deepunderground definitely didn't do much for me.