Alone

[Willpark]

Alone

Tired Fog, Secluded Mist
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends,
Stars are shrouded, lights are black
    Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home
Lilting pianos wander the halls
    Deserted, Hollow, Cold
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
by the sharp winds, by the cold rains
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon
    Detached, Distant, Alone

[RiverNotch]

Alone

Tired Fog, Secluded Mist There's something about "Secluded mist" that makes the mist feels more subtle and less heady in its darkness.
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends, Strong line.
Stars are shrouded, lights are black
    Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House The closed doors already indicate that the room is closed, so try closing off something else.
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home Again, its strong, but the darkness is already known to be descending on the home per the first four lines, so the message of this line is sort of redundant. Try describing something else in this line, like say the emptiness of the home.
Lilting pianos wander the halls Isn't the place supposed to feel deserted? Lilting implies a sense of cheerfulness, so you'll have to reword that.
    Deserted, Hollow, Cold
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
by the sharp winds, by the cold rains The rains would neither crumple trash nor cause clouds of dust to form. It's not coherent.
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon
    Detached, Distant, Alone On "Crumpled Trash..." to "Detached...": This section feels like a repetition of what's already been discussed: this doesn't add anything new to the darkness or to the reader's perception of it. You'll have to change this whole section for the poem to have a stronger ending.

It has a good theme, with plenty of hits when it comes to execution, but it needs quite a bit more development.

[Mopkins]

Alone

Tired Fog, Secluded Mist (secluded mist sounds wrong to me – mists are pervasive not secluded)
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends, (heft in this sense is either the american colloquialism meaning ‘heavy’ or the act of lifting something up- neither meaning seems to fit this line, and how is dusk droning, which implies making a noise? Sure it’s alliterative, but it doesn’t make sense to me)
Stars are shrouded, lights are black(lights are black makes no sense – a light by it’s nature is not black}
Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House (why the capitals? Surely room should be rooms)
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home
Lilting pianos wander the halls (i’m seeing pianos staggering around the halls lilting songs- surely its the music they make, not the pianos themselves wandering the halls)
Deserted, Hollow, Cold (capitals here and next line seem inappropriate)
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
(blown?)by the sharp winds,(dampened?) by the cold rains
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon (distant grey is vague – what do you refer to here? If it’s the aforementioned fog or mist (neither of which would be distant to the viewer BTW) you should add that word in to clarify this)
Detached, Distant, Alone (repetition of distant – which with it’s dual meaning of far away and aloof doesn’t seem to go here)


Has potential I think, bit of a tidy up and it’ll be better

Thanks for the read

Marianne

[ChristopherSea]

I like some of the imagery herein, but the heavy-handed use of alliteration and capitalization may overwhelm this little poem. There is a weighted clunky feeling associated with your loneliness that is effective. However, being composed primarily of weather and atmospheric conditions there is little concrete motivation reflecting the title. Lilting pianos was a sharp contrast to the heavy weather, but perhaps by choosing a different adjective you can get the elephantine instruments to help to develop your mood. Their wandering about the house is the most interesting image in the piece, but is not developed. See what you think. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

[Thoughtjotter]

Alone

Tired Fog, Secluded Mist
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends,
Stars are shrouded, lights are black
    Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home
Lilting pianos wander the halls
    Deserted, Hollow, Cold
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
by the sharp winds, by the cold rains
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon
    Detached, Distant, Alone

Well, You have certainly detailed, (to the extreme) an imagery of the gloom and doom of "Alone" but it ends there.There is nothing else.
I believe you could probably benefit from reading and studying other poets not to mention all the very helpful training opportunities available on this site( as we all could, myself most certainly)
You CAN do it,
R.T.

---

Alone

Tired Fog, Secluded Mist
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends,
Stars are shrouded, lights are black
    Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home
Lilting pianos wander the halls
    Deserted, Hollow, Cold
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
by the sharp winds, by the cold rains
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon
    Detached, Distant, Alone

Well, You have certainly detailed, (to the extreme) an imagery of the gloom and doom of "Alone" but it ends there.There is nothing else.
I believe you could probably benefit from reading and studying other poets not to mention all the very helpful training opportunities available on this site( as we all could, myself most certainly)

[kindofahippy]

Alone

Tired Fog, Secluded Mist While the humanizing of these elements sets the scene, the haphazard capitalization is distracting enough to ruin the imagery. Capitalize tired, and leave the rest of the words lowercase
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends, "droning" is rather vague. It could refer to cicadas, traffic, or a nearby train, but no context clues are given to provide a possible meaning
Stars are shrouded, lights are blacka more direct "lights are out" would avoid jarring the scene with thoughts of black lights or burned light bulbs
    Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House This and the above line should be discarded. "Dark, Heavy, Dull" simply restates the previous with meaningless repetition and indentation, and it is needless to say that the house is completely closed off with "empty home" in the next line
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty homeStill repeating the same old shtick, for emphasis perhaps? A transistion to "cold", instead of just repeating how "dark" and "heavy" the dusk is, would work well in this poem. Consider changing the earlier "dreary" to "chill".
Lilting pianos wander the halls The grammar gives this line a ridiculous connotation. It would be better sonically and logically to begin this line with "The sound of"
    Deserted, Hollow, Cold This line doesn't make any sense here. It should be put right under "an empty home"
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of DustThe occasional capitalazation of significant words can be condusive to a Poet's writing style, but this Title Style Capitalization is Distracting and Jarring
by the sharp winds, by the cold rainsVery loose logical thread here, you run a thin, minimalist line by requiring the reader to add in "moved by" to make any sense of this
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moonThis may cut it a little too close. I had to sit for a moment to equate "cold rains" with "cold grey rain clouds", and it is confusing to have the rain present yet the clouds distant
    Detached, Distant, AloneMinus the capitalization, this is a more proper use of the indented short line. I find that it can offer a concise ending here, except that the repeat of "Distant" ruins the impact of the line. Possibly, "Detached, reclusive, Alone" for a nice ending on the title word.

As far as sonics go, when read aloud this poem has a tired and very drawn-out appeal to it, which suits the theme nicely. However, the content fails to reinforce that. It produces an idea of absolute desolation, a place devoid of all life, and not just loneliness. Here we have a cold, wet night with "an empty home", and "secluded" weather that nobody seems to be around to notice. Trash and dust lies around, like an abandoned shack in the woods. Imagery such as a "lonely" house or "bitter and unpleasant" weather would better provide the idea of a recluse alone in the harsh elements. This poem needs editing, first for capitalization, then for content, but it is fresh and worth workshopping.