Through the Storm

[TheDoctorCam]

I apologize, this is quite lengthy. But I would greatly appreciate if you give it a read and comment if you wish! I wanted to experiment with the Kübler-Ross model in a poem. This is the absolute first draft and wanted to just put it out there!


Through the Storm

I

Heavy perfume of crushed roses and tulips
blankets my nose as pruned lips meet my cheek,
whispering that everything will be okay.
I dive down the depths of my pocket
and pull out my mother's tumor.
It throbs in my hand as I watch
a red rivulet over my blue veins
as it races down my forearm,
pressing the pavement with a roseate stamp.


II

Hot white strokes upset the black sky to
thunderous boos and dribbling murmurs.
Heaving breaths enter the pistons in my lungs,
combusting a rage that no downpour can put out.
My toes eclipse the lip of the lake that my Mom took me to
when she gave me a RC boat three Christmases ago.
I scream over the thunder as I skip my bible across the lake,
it rides the storming waves
until I unabashedly watch it sink.


III

***Bargaining, have yet to create this stanza***

IV

Last Spring, a beautiful black bird dipped in ink
would perch on our kitchen windowsill every day.
My Mom would feed it seeds and laugh as the bird
trilled along the her humming.
I think the same bird tried to visit today.
My eager fingers tried to lift the dusty window to let him in
but my dad came into the kitchen, teetering with
a glass bottle in his hand. His heavy breath
and fist met my already hued face
until he wobbled back to his room.
I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror,
a flowing river through violaceous hills,
my eyes dense like a raven.


V

I graduated from high school today, I cheered
as I threw my cap into the heavens,
proudly watching it sway back to the ground.
I assure my friends that I will be at their parties
in a little while, I have to do something.
I exit my car and teeter towards my Mom's tombstone,
it's been a little while since I have visited her last.
I tell her that I graduated and I will be going to college in the fall.
I place a bouquet of roses and tulips against the stone that soaks in the sun.
A tiny fledging with feathers of the night battles the wind and loses,
fluttering until finally perching atop of my Mom's gravestone.
An incandescent smile spreads as a tear falls onto the grass.

[RSaba]

I really like this! Yes, it is lengthy. But having it split into numbered stanzas works well and fixes the length issue, since the reader pauses at the end of each and digests it a bit.
I've just got a few marks that might help the reading of the poem. Since it is in full-sentence format, I read it sentence-by-sentence to find a few bits that didn't quite flow. I hope that this is useful for you. Take what you will!
And like I said, it's very well-written. The first few lines draw you right in!

Through the Storm

I

Heavy perfume of crushed roses and tulips
blankets my nose as pruned lips meet my cheek,
whispering that everything will be okay.
I dive down the depths of my pocket
and pull out my mother's tumor.
It throbs in my hand as I watch
a red rivulet over my blue veins
as it races down my forearm,[/b] So here we have the "as it" and the "as I" transitions in the same sentence, which doesn't read well. The entire sentence is beautiful, and I think it's just a matter of replacing one of the transitions. There are many ways you could do that, but this would be my suggestion, since it changes the syntax of the sentence the least: "It throbs in my hand as I watch a red rivulet over my blue veins
racing down my forearm..."
pressing the pavement with a roseate stamp.


II

Hot white strokes upset the black sky to
thunderous boos and dribbling murmurs. "Dribbling murmurs" is a fabulous phrase. But I'm not sure about "boos," it seems a bit colloquial to me. The image certainly gets itself through, but that word seems out of place.
Heaving breaths enter the pistons in my lungs,
combusting a rage that no downpour can put out. "Combusting into," perhaps?
My toes eclipse the lip of the lake that my Mom took me to I love this line, it's beautiful. However, it doesn't logically make sense since to eclipse something means to fully cover it, and you're only talking about the edge of a lake. It's up to you though, since like I said, it's a beautiful line to read aloud.
when she gave me a RC boat three Christmases ago.
I scream over the thunder as I skip my bible across the lake,Replace the comma with a semi-colon- just a grammar thing. What a fabulous image! This is full of really strong emotions. I love this stanza.
it rides the storming waves
until I unabashedly watch it sink.


III

***Bargaining, have yet to create this stanza*** Can't wait to read it when you do!

IV

Last Spring, a beautiful black bird dipped in ink No need to capitalize "spring"
would perch on our kitchen windowsill every day.
My Mom would feed it seeds and laugh as the bird maybe just say "my mother" when referring to her, that way there is no capital to trip over and it flows better.
trilled along the her humming. "trilled along with her humming?
I think the same bird tried to visit today.Since you have "tried" in the next line, maybe cut it from this one? It works well in the next one. For this line, though, you could just say "visited" instead.
My eager fingers tried to lift the dusty window to let him in
but my dad came into the kitchen, teetering with
a glass bottle in his hand. His heavy breath
and fist met my already hued face
until he wobbled back to his room. "Until" is an awkward transition word.
I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror,
a flowing river through violaceous hills,
my eyes dense like a raven.


V

I graduated from high school today, I cheered
as I threw my cap into the heavens,
proudly watching it sway back to the ground.
I assure my friends that I will be at their parties
in a little while, I have to do something.
I exit my car and teeter towards my Mom's tombstone,
it's been a little while since I have visited her last.
I tell her that I graduated and I will be going to college in the fall.
I place a bouquet of roses and tulips against the stone that soaks in the sun.
A tiny fledging with feathers of the night battles the wind and loses,
fluttering until finally perching atop of my Mom's gravestone.
An incandescent smile spreads as a tear falls onto the grass.

I've got nothing to recommend for that last stanza, it's beautiful. Especially the last line. Very powerful since you don't have the smile or the tear in third person, so it's a strange but strong image.

I know this is just the Newly Registered Forum, so I hope I didn't say too much! But seriously, I loved this piece. It made my throat ache a little bit. There is a lot of emotion in here that you relay through strong, imaginative images, and the stanzas are perfectly split. I hope these comments help! Great writing, and I can't wait to read more!

[TheDoctorCam]

Cheers mate! Thanks for the read and thank you even more for the comments. Have a great Easter.

[poe]

I'm fond of the use of stark color to describe things,i.e., "red rivulets", "blue veins", "white strokes", "black sky" and "black bird".
In Stanza V, L10 do you mean to write the noun "fledgling", instead of "fledging" which is a verb? I do believe fledgling would fit nicely.
Nice piece overall, and good luck completing that otherwise unfinished stanza.
TS

[Todd]

Hi, haven't read the comments so I apologize if any of this is redundant. Here goes:

--I wish you hadn't mentioned Kubler-Ross up front. I can't be sure whether I would have picked it up or not. I'll try to work without that knowledge.

Through the Storm

I

Heavy perfume of crushed roses and tulips
blankets my nose as pruned lips meet my cheek,--A couple things, I'm not a big fan of passive voice here. I also feel that the modifiers might be hindering the piece. Heavy seems weak. Blankets later gives a sense of heaviness in and of itself
whispering that everything will be okay.
I dive down the depths of my pocket
and pull out my mother's tumor.--this part to the end of the strophe is interesting.
It throbs in my hand as I watch--Kind of a tell-tale heart thing. Nice
a red rivulet over my blue veins
as it races down my forearm,
pressing the pavement with a roseate stamp.--Roseate is a nice touch since you lead with crushed earlier and it provides a contrast.


II

Hot white strokes upset the black sky to--I'd rather you break on sky here. The break on "to" is weak
thunderous boos and dribbling murmurs.--boos makes this a bit more comic than you may want, at least to me
Heaving breaths enter the pistons in my lungs,--I'd rather see you find a way to have the pistons image show the heaving breaths rather than the adjective
combusting a rage that no downpour can put out.--a little melodramatic
My toes eclipse the lip of the lake that my Mom took me to--Again perhaps break the line on lake, cut the final phrase and change she to Mom in the next line
when she gave me a RC boat three Christmases ago.
I scream over the thunder as I skip my bible across the lake,--I scream over the thunder feels too wordy here. Starting with the bible image does more for you alone
it rides the storming waves
until I unabashedly watch it sink.--Again the modifier weighs down the line. It's too telling. Find a way to let the action show "unabashedly"


III

***Bargaining, have yet to create this stanza***

IV

Last Spring, a beautiful black bird dipped in ink--"beautiful" is a throwaway word like unique or special. black bird dipped in ink though is interesting. Spring should be lowercase.
would perch on our kitchen windowsill every day.--Is every day even necessary for the point of the line
My Mom would feed it seeds and laugh as the bird--this break could use some work maybe pull up trilled or alternatively end on laugh
trilled along the her humming.--the should be with
I think the same bird tried to visit today.
My eager fingers tried to lift the dusty window to let him in--eager is yet another modifier that should be incorporated into the action not told
but my dad came into the kitchen, teetering with--came into should simply be replaced with teetered for economy. Probably cut with and end the line on kitchen. Just a thought
a glass bottle in his hand. His heavy breath
and fist met my already hued face--seems abrupt, and there has to be a better option than "my already hued face".
until he wobbled back to his room.
I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror,
a flowing river through violaceous hills,--These lines feel a bit wordy, condense
my eyes dense like a raven.--maybe raven's, but either way cool line. I like this line a lot.


V

I graduated from high school today, I cheered--Condense the prose elements of the narrative to more of their essence. Get to the point sooner
as I threw my cap into the heavens,
proudly watching it sway back to the ground.--proudly again needs to be captured some way in the action
I assure my friends that I will be at their parties
in a little while, I have to do something.--These two lines are more prose transition and steal the emotional power from the scene
I exit my car and teeter towards my Mom's tombstone,--Why is the car necessary. If this were fiction I'd say "jump cut"
it's been a little while since I have visited her last.--Not necessary filler, go to the next line
I tell her that I graduated and I will be going to college in the fall.--look for economy. You could easily cut everything up to the third "I"
I place a bouquet of roses and tulips against the stone that soaks in the sun.
A tiny fledging with feathers of the night battles the wind and loses,--These lines are a little too heavy handed in their symmetry.
fluttering until finally perching atop of my Mom's gravestone.
An incandescent smile spreads as a tear falls onto the grass.--Same comment as before "incandescent" needs to be shown.

You have some interesting lines here, and I hope the comments are helpful to you. I like the idea of the bird, the ravens eye and the imagery you play with there. I think your main problems here are the flat transitions and the modifiers.

It's an interesting concept for a poem, and I look forward to seeing how you develop it.

Best,

Todd

[TheDoctorCam]

Thank you very much for the read and comments Todd! I will use them the aforementioned advice to develop it further. Cheers!