Sleep

[poe]

Through a diaphanous gorge
I slip upward into the fuzzy air,
floating in the direction of enticing whispers,
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red.
I graze the stubbled cheek of a young man whom I secretly adored
thus plunging ecstasy by the smell of him
and I am slipping in this state of utter rest and tension
dreaming the harp,
I am the fifth string

[Mopkins]

Through a diaphanous gorge (this makes no sense do you mean diaphanous gauze?)
I slip upward into the fuzzy air, (air is fuzzy?)
floating in the direction of enticing whispers,
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red.
I graze the stubbled cheek of a young man whom I secretly adored
thus plunging (into) ecstasy (from) the smell of him
and I am slipping in this state of utter rest and tension
dreaming the harp,
I am the fifth string


Know nothing about music or harps so i could be missing some point you are trying to make,didn't make much sense to me but i don't read much unrhymed stuff. I did think the alliteration of S was does quite nicely done

Welcome to the site


Marianne

[tomoffing]

Hey tony,

Welcome,
Your title immediately suggests to me that this is a dream sequence, which I generally enjoy, although it could be a more subtle introduction.

Through a diaphanous gorge cannot extract any meaning from this
I slip upward into the fuzzy air, I'm grasping this, but slipping upward and fuzzy are strange choices. I like the idea of the lightening of the mind I think your conveying.
floating in the direction of enticing whispers, too wordy here
past a slipping silhouette of the lose the and drop of to your next line. The alliteration is lovely and would close the line nicely
darkest persimmon red.
I graze the stubbled cheek of a young man whom I secretly adored
thus plunging ecstasy by the smell of him
and I am slipping in this state of utter rest and tension too many slippings throughout
dreaming the harp,
I am the fifth string I'd love more from this harp/string image. You haven't incorporated any sonic description so this image is quite sudden.

Nice work.

[Erthona]

You have been given excellent feedback, most of what I would comment on has been. Still you write more like a dilettante than a poet, going for the (supposed) stylish phrase, instead of examining what you are really saying. Thus

"I slip upward into the fuzzy air,
floating in the direction of enticing whispers,
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red."

Persimmons are not red, they are orange, or at best orange-red. I grew up around persimmon tress because my father loved them (he also like buttermilk, and pot-licker), I have seen many persimmons and never have I seen a "darkest persimmon red." And what is a "slipping silhouette". Does the silhouette fall, or does it just stumble a bit. And as to the color of the slipping silhouette:

"a two-dimensional representation of the outline of an object, as a cutout or configurational drawing, uniformly filled in with black, especially a black-paper, miniature cutout of the outlines of a famous person's face."

Notice the phrase "uniformly filled in with black", does that sound like the non-existent color of dark red persimmon?

This poem is generally all style and no substance, that's what I meant by "you write more like a dilettante than a poet".

I am not attempting to be hurtful, but until someone points out what you are doing wrong, you have no chance to progress.
It seems I have read some of your other work and it did not seem so vacuous, so maybe this is simply an anomaly. Certainly you have a flair for colorful descriptions, now if you could only combine it with something of substance.

Best,


Dale

[ralex003]

Through a diaphanous gorge Is this part of a dream? The image is surreal, but how does it connect to the rest of the poem?
I slip upward into the fuzzy air,
floating in the direction of enticing whispers,
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red. I like this image of red as it seguays into a passionate, romantic moment.
I graze the stubbled cheek of a young man whom I secretly adored
thus plunging ecstasy by the smell of him Hmmmm I'm not so sure about "plunging" making sense in this context.
and I am slipping in this state of utter rest and tension
dreaming the harp,
I am the fifth string This is a beautiful idea. Please expand on it earlier on.

[poe]

Through a diaphanous gorge Is this part of a dream? The image is surreal, but how does it connect to the rest of the poem?
I slip upward into the fuzzy air,
floating in the direction of enticing whispers,
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red. I like this image of red as it seguays into a passionate, romantic moment.
I graze the stubbled cheek of a young man whom I secretly adored
thus plunging ecstasy by the smell of him Hmmmm I'm not so sure about "plunging" making sense in this context.
and I am slipping in this state of utter rest and tension
dreaming the harp,
I am the fifth string This is a beautiful idea. Please expand on it earlier on.

Generally, I loathe the idea of explaining my lines no matter how tempting. After all a gorge is a kind of throat and. Before we fall asleep there is the alpha state, the falling asleep which ironically here is a floating up through this kind of hazy tunnel , hence, diaphanous gorge. There i've done it. My apologies
TS

[aerickson]

Through a diaphanous gorge - I would say cloud. The word gorge is too harsh a word for the tone of this poem
I slip upward into the fuzzy air, - I would take "the" out
floating in the direction of enticing whispers, -I would say "floating toward enticing etc"
past a slipping silhouette of the
darkest persimmon red. - I would take "the" out and change "darkest" to "deepest"
I graze the stubbled cheek of a young man whom I secretly adored
thus plunging ecstasy by the smell of him - the "thus" doesn't seem like quite the right word
and I am slipping in this state of utter rest and tension - I like the dichotomy of rest and tension here - cool line
dreaming the harp,
I am the fifth string - why the sudden reference to music here?