haute couture

[Erthona]

.

Ah yes, the old slice and dice of the soul,
when honor swims through razor-wire;
the route to pain’s great beauty.
You found fealty more bronze than gold,
as avarice did conspire,
to rob the spirit from your duty.
If only you had the talent to be bold,
then others you could inspire,
but those designs lay there mutely;
for their loyalty was cheaply sold,
and of the effort none perspired,
as they went down, dissolutely.


©2014 –Erthona


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[Leanne]

Boldness is indeed a talent -- especially when it comes to selling oneself (no, not like that). We are taught modesty and meekness from childhood and taking pride in one's work is seen as boasting.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of immodest people out there prepared to step in and take credit. There is no gold, and the phoenix was roasted for the last supper.

[Brownlie]

.

Ah yes, the old slice and dice of the soul,
when honor swims through razor-wire;
the route to pain’s great beauty.
You found fealty more bronze than gold,
as avarice did conspire,
to rob the spirit from your duty.
If only you had the talent to be bold,
then others you would inspire, -- a little awkward syntax though it would take some work to make this sound natural. The way it's written makes me surprised by the but in the next line. I thought you were going to continue with the subject of the "others" mentioned in this line.

but those designs lay there mutely;
for their loyalty was cheaply sold,
and of the effort none perspired,
as they went down, dissolutely.

Just a small catch on my part that I've bolded.

©2014 –Erthona


.

[Erthona]

I suppose I could remove the "then so it would read:

If only you had the talent to be bold, others you would inspire

otherwise

You could inspire other if you had the talent to be bold.

Of course that makes no sense, you would have to take out talent and replace it with something like courage.

You could inspire others if you had the courage to be bold.
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If you had the talent, you could entertain people with music.

or

You could entertain people with music if you had the talent.
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After considering all of this I do think it would work better to say "could" rather than "would"

Thanks for the suggestion.

Dale