Westminster argues over figures

[Am I A Poet?]

As the soldier's wife cries
and the homeless man dies,
Westminster argues over figures.

The Man who writes the papers
says the streets are getting safer,
but the abandoned boy still pulls the trigger.


So the tired bell rings
and the choir boy sings,
while blind moths get sucked to the Light.

"Take this bread and this wine
and you'll all be just fine!"
(So long as you're rich and you're white.)


But, without ever slowing,
the deep river keeps flowing:
its course unaltered by choices.

This determined force carries
all the Toms, Dicks and Harries,
while oblivious to each of their voices.

[Erthona]

I think the lack of consistency in the form drains the energy from it by the end. That is to say, despite the "Toms, Dicks and Harries" it still peters our.

dale

[kindofahippy]

Hi, Am I a Poet? Sometimes I think so, but other times I'm not so sure. I digress.

Here is a tidy and concise war poem, and my view is that the content is splendid, but the rhymes are forced:

As the soldier's wife cries
And the homeless man dies, Not every line needs to be capitalized, and it makes longer poems wearying to read. This line continues a sentence, so "And" can be lowercase.
Westminster argues over figures.

The Man who writes the papers
Says the streets are getting safer, These first two lines alternate in stress from iambic to trochaic, and that takes away from the rhythm when read aloud.
But the abandoned boy still pulls the trigger. The repetition of the homeless theme is strange here, considering that the primary subjects associated with war are death, widows, and fear.


So the tired bell rings
And the choir boy sings,
While blind moths get sucked to the Light. Why is light capitialized here? Is it intentional, or for appearance? The capital makes it sound symbolic. Also, the logical flow is broken by the thought of singing. If this stanza represents the constant stream of funerals, then an organ or a somber chorus is more logical.

"Drink this bread and this wine Bread usually isn't drunk
And you'll all be just fine!" this contraction sounds too close to "y'all", "you all", to make sense
(So long as you're rich and you're white.)


But, without ever slowing,
The deep river keeps flowing:
Its course unaltered by choices. The easy to rhyme words here make for a vague cliche. Does the river represent life, fate, war?

This determined force carries
All the Toms, Dicks and Harries,
While oblivious to each of their voices. This stanza flops in its attempt to convey a deep meaning. It might be better not to have it rhyme.

[Stephanie]

The line that I really, really like here is the title line which you also use at the end of the first Stanza - Westminster argues over figures. There is something so cold about that line and so truthful that I wonder if it is worth playing around with that further and having that as the end of each stanza you create. It's a great topic for a poem!

[tectak]

As the soldier's wife cries
and the homeless man dies,
Westminster argues over figures.

The Man who writes the papers
says the streets are getting safer,
but the abandoned boy still pulls the trigger.


So the tired bell rings
and the choir boy sings,
while blind moths get sucked to the Light.

"Take this bread and this wine
and you'll all be just fine!"
(So long as you're rich and you're white.)


But, without ever slowing,
the deep river keeps flowing:
its course unaltered by choices.

This determined force carries
all the Toms, Dicks and Harries,
while oblivious to each of their voices.

Hi amI,
Lack of precision is the problem here. You try to cover too many bases like the fluttering dance of an indeterminate bumble bee. You begin with fleeting series of opening lines which ever so briefly dip into war protest (which is over exposed and has always been), then without pause we are asked to confront a homelessness singularity...so what have we and what will it become? Well, poetically it is all over the place...rhythm is inconsistent as is rhyme as is content. Does it matter? For me, it does. The subject is an all encompassing cliche which COULD be dealt with by fresh thinking but it is subjected to wide ranging allusions and unspecific metaphors..so weakening the intent, which I can only describe as the eternal protest song...it could be called "I object to everything since 1962".
OK. What to do?
Take one stanza at a time. Try to avoid ranting whilst still writing "passion". Take a stanza per point and make it perfect. A refrain often helps to keep this list-like commentary on track, though to be honest it can be difficult to avoid the sing-song trap.
Look at what you have written thus far and read it out loud to somebody who doesn't think you're wonderful...I use my wife...and watch the reaction.
How would you react to this:
"But, without ever slowing,
the deep river keeps flowing:
its course unaltered by choices."
What DO you mean? This is a non-stanza. Dump it.
Blind moths? Getting sucked by/to light?. Dump it.
Over to you.
This is a rich seam for prospecting poets but the gold rush was over years ago...change your technique; you may find a diamond.
Do not abandon the mine...it's yours. Work it out.
Best,
tectak

[tomoffing]

hey amiapoet

You're in challenging territory for being original here, as other's have mentioned.

Couple of other thoughts below

As the soldier's wife cries cliched
and the homeless man dies,
Westminster argues over figures. Can't quite say why, but I feel as though "the figures" would work better here? imo

The Man who writes the papers
says the streets are getting safer, i like this idea, expand it
but the abandoned boy still pulls the trigger.


So the tired bell rings can a bell be tired? I know what you mean but you can do better.
and the choir boy sings,
while blind moths get sucked to the Light.

"Take this bread and this wine
and you'll all be just fine!"
(So long as you're rich and you're white.)


But, without ever slowing, why the conjunction here?
the deep river keeps flowing: what's the deep river?
its course unaltered by choices.

This determined force carries determined implies the force is conscious, which conflicts with its course being unalterable by choice in the previous line. I know that's not your meaning, but its there. ceaseless/relentlesss would be better me thinks
all the Toms, Dicks and Harries,
while oblivious to each of their voices.

Where to from here?
First, decide on your meter and rhythm one way or the other. If you wish to use a set structure I think its important to maintain it fairly rigorously. If you stray on line length & meter (as you do here) it becomes a hindrance to the reader; half the effort is expended interpreting that.
Structure should always seek to reinforce the experience. If it doesn't, cut it.

Second, strip out the grand ideas (moths to light, rich and white, the river)
Present your characters and their interaction to me (widow, dead man, the boy, the newspaper man and the MP) then let that story speak to the louder message.

best of luck. thanks a lot for the read.