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Sometimes in life I feel,
That I struggle to know what's real.
I see a darker shade in the distance,
I look over to reach and to touch,
but it fades away out my clutch.
I still go back to that place daily.
Looking and speaking to the sky,
people walk by and ask me why.
But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me and my brain.
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This for the most part is nonsensical, and seems to be written primarily in the service of the rhymes which generally seem forced.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(04-17-2014, 06:48 AM)denniswilson Wrote: Sometimes in life I feel,
That I struggle to know what's real.
I see a darker shade in the distance,
I look over to reach and to touch,
but it fades away out my clutch.
I still go back to that place daily.
Looking and speaking to the sky,
people walk by and ask me why.
But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me and my brain.
there seems to be a bunch of superfluous wording. For example - sometimes /in life/ i feel. Well, if you're feeling we can assume you are alive without you pointing it out.
Statements like "I look over to reach and touch" just don't actually make sense at all. Don't look to touch, just walk over and do it.
"but it fades away out my clutch" - what is it? When did it get in your clutch? The shade? How did you clutch a shade?
"I still go back to that place daily" - what place? What is the significance to you going there?
All in all the whole thing says nothing interesting and takes a long walk around the park to do it.
Good luck.
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I can see and sense the feelings those descriptions are associated with, but i feel no connection to them... there is nothing there to me but words, i could probably agree with some of those feelings, but those are generalized descriptions... I say, follow the emotion that inspired that, but really DIG into the emotion, pull each one out (seems like there are a lot there) and think about the ways you would describe each one, how could you bring us a vivid picture of what's going on within you... i'm probably disagreed with by most, but i believe art, is about the artist, not the audience, if an artists work isn't appreciated, it's most likely because it didn't connect with an audience, but true artist doesn't perform, whatever his craft may be, for anyone else, but his personal fulfillment. Therein lies true originality, unaldutered by the ideas of others in an effort or attempt to please them... at the same time, wanting the get the most out of your craft, i would think that one would feel inspired to dig a little deeper than the use of these generic and generalized terms, unless of course you feel generic and overall very general... then by all means, have at it  good luck, try a little harder
...I think it's safe to blame it on the high probability, that I am utterly insane...
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The rhyming structure doesn't feel like it gives the poem any impetus to me. Instead, it seems, to quote Blake, a "mind-forged manacle", forcing you to alter what you really mean to fit some abstract notion of poesy requiring rhymes. If the rhyme is supposed to give the poem a sing-song quality, then the rhythm also needs to be examined and arranged into a pleasing beat.
To that end, I feel that your last couplet doesn't really have rhythmical flow when reading it aloud.
Crude suggestion, but:
"But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me and my brain."
could be changed to
"But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me,
Or what happened to my brain"
creating a clearer distinction between Brain and Self that I feel the last line is trying to make, emphasised by the break in the sequential-line rhyming structure, and making the rhythm flow more pleasantly (for me at least) when reading it aloud.
Keep up the poetry though!
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DennisWilson - There are disconnections and unanswered questions here which derail any clarity for the reader. What was the darker shade? Why go back there daily? What happened to the brain? etc. There is possibility here if the focus is made overt for the reader. Namyh
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Yes I agree with the other posters, I think this poem can evoke much more emotion!
I like the meaning. You basically get the message across in the first two sentences and then explain its effect. Its simple and to the point. We all struggle to know what is real although i would use the word truth, and the pursuit of truth is a hard and noble one and i think you communicate that well. To write well on the concept of truth we must first learn about truth and from this poem you sound like someone who is not yet there. If your going to write about enlightenment you must first be enlightened and that is not as easy as stringing a few tight metaphors together. Its real life experience. Your on the right tracks as far as i can see though
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(04-17-2014, 06:48 AM)denniswilson Wrote: Sometimes in life I feel,
That I struggle to know what's real.
I see a darker shade in the distance,
I look over to reach and to touch,
but it fades away out my clutch.
I still go back to that place daily.
Looking and speaking to the sky,
people walk by and ask me why.
But i don't have to explain,
what happened to me and my brain.
To me, this is just too choppy and, as someone else said, the rhymes seem forced. Honestly, I would suggest going for a good flow over rhyme. Rhyme can be good but it is hardly a necessity and, 'prose' poetry is increasingly common.
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