Fourth of July

[Brownlie]

Edit 1:



Fourth of July.



We lay our bits of uncased meat on burning rods

and waft up savory smoke to founding fathers

that have been reborn as myths.

Perhaps the newly crafted heads of men in powdered wigs

 are nodding in the heavens

when fireworks are blocking out the stars.

Or perhaps the chemical explosions filling the air

are meant to order chaos

 on the relatively absent palette of a night.

Jubilation is a cousin of the musket fire;
pipe organs recreated in a hotdog










Original
Fourth of July
is a time for savory smoke.
We lay our bits of uncased meat on burning rods
and waft up smoke to founding fathers
that have been reborn as myths.
Perhaps the newly crafted heads of men in powdered wigs
 are nodding in the heavens
when fireworks are blocking out the stars.
Or perhaps the chemical explosions filling the air
are meant to order chaos
 on the relatively absent palette of a night-sky.
The Jubilation is a cousin of the musket fire,
and it’s like the organs recreated in a hotdog.

Beans and Franks baby.

[ellajam]

Hi, Brownlie, clear read, a few spots that caught me.

Fourth of July
is a time for savory smoke. I like the savory smoke, mmm
We lay our bits of uncased meat on burning rods burning rods moves away from modernity, nice.
and waft up smoke to founding fathers
that have been reborn as myths. Especially like this line.
Perhaps the newly crafted heads of men in powdered wigs
are nodding in the heavens
when fireworks are blocking out the stars.
Or perhaps the chemical explosions filling the air
are meant to order chaos Great meter in these four lines thrown off by "filling", to my ear.
on the relatively absent palette of a night-sky. First problem for me, I haven't been able to understand this line yet, or the organs one.
The jubilation is a cousin of the musket fire,
and it’s like the organs recreated in a hotdog.

Beans and Franks baby.

Fun read, thanks for posting it on this cold winter's day.

[Erthona]

Hi Brownlie,

I like the poem do I do have at least one Suggestion. In this following line I would drop the "the" at the beginning and middle, so it would read,

"Jubilation is a cousin of musket fire," Pairing it with a direct article is confusing as you have not specified a particular jubilation, as everything before it indicates a generic 4th of July and not a specific one.

I think I understand what you were trying to say in the last line:

"and it’s like the organs recreated in a hotdog." I am assuming you mean organs like pipe organs, not internal organs? Also I think you can drop the "and it’s like the". so the last two lines read:

"jubilation is a cousin of musket fire;
pipe organs recreated in a hotdog"

Of course if you mean "organs" like kidneys, liver, lungs and so on, well...

Dale

[crow]

What about lost and founding?

[Brownlie]

Thanks for commenting I made a quick edit based on suggestions. I meant organs that are eaten in sacrifices to the Gods, but pipe organ adds another layer to this poem about the beanie weenies.