random stuff

[Brownlie]

Reading Whitman I imagined manic
Pastures filled with grass
in forest lawns beholding death
eternally. Without a gasp

A man could die and merge with colored
tufts that rose from under
neath the earth to be reborn
and death was just a thump.

[RSaba]

I really like this! Love the gap between stanzas, made me take a breath after "gasp" which is a cool effect. Twisty-turny poem, really enjoyed it.

[Erthona]

"Pastures" should have a little "p"

L5 "A" should be "a"

As one assumes "tufts" refers to grass, this could probably do without the "colored"

Overall, a solid write.


Dale

[Brownlie]

"Pastures" should have a little "p"

L5 "A" should be "a"

As one assumes "tufts" refers to grass, this could probably do without the "colored"

Overall, a solid write.


Dale

Thank you, I agree with all your comments.

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I really like this! Love the gap between stanzas, made me take a breath after "gasp" which is a cool effect. Twisty-turny poem, really enjoyed it.

Thanks for the input .