edit #3 & 4 Claws of the Beast (a learning process)

[Thoughtjotter]

Claws of the Beast EDIT #3
trochaic tetrameter (maybe?)

Are all these dangers truly real?
these heinous whispers passed along;
"all the doubts of nonbelievers
can only mean they all were wrong.
now all have fallen to my lies,
my presence is no more a myth.

Where does this horrible beast lurk?
words of denial passed along;
"on the third row", someone confessed,
"where the choir sits to sing their song",
"deliver us from this evil".
"there were no saints in bed with meth!"

How does this beast take down his prey?
these cries of alarm passed along;
a smiling face, a warm embrace,
to late they see where they went wrong.
caught in the claws of addiction,
today's fools are tomorrow's scraps .

Were there ever any warnings?
these visions of truth passed along;
that reflection in the mirror,
the ravaged face did not belong.
such a hopeless situation,
death smiles at this desperation.


Claws of the Beast edit #4 (acroustic)
trochaic tetrameter (maybe again)

Dangers are ignored by the fools,
a little help for their weakness.
never thinking about the risk,
guessing next time will be the last.
even after the second time,
reason has been left far behind.

Denial often hides the facts,
even the righteous turn their head.
no evil among us they cry
in their sanctimonious tones.
always the last to see the truth,
let the devil take all the blame.

Caught by the trap of self deceit,
as a moth in the flames of hell.
unable to escape this vise,
gone is the desire to turn back.
hell collects an enormous price,
the cost of false vitality.

Addiction grasps with sharpened claws
designed to hold until the end.
death awaits meth's ample harvest.
it's time to seize those ravaged souls.
complete the cycle of despair,
the lost hope of the living dead.

[Mopkins]

Dangers are ignored by the fools,
a little help for their weakness.(this doesn’t seem to go with the first line – maybe something like ‘so little wonder their weakness’)
never thinking about the risk,
guessing next time will be the last.
even after the second time,
reason has been left far behind.

Denial often hides the facts,
even the righteous turn their head.
no evil among us they cry,(missing quotation marks)
from their sanctimonious halls.( Only a person can be sanctimonious – not an inanimate object)
always the last to see the truth,
let the devil take all the blame.

Caught by the trap of self deceit,
as a moth in the flames of hell.
unable to escape this vise, (vice not vise)
gone is the desire to turn back.
hell collects an enormous price,
the cost of false vitality. (why false vitality – this doesn’t make much sense to me – does meth make you feel more energetic? If that’s the case it would make sense)

Addiction grasps with sharpened claws
designed to hold until the end.
death awaits meth's ample harvest.
it's time to seize those ravaged souls. (‘it’s time to’ doesn’t seem to go here- sounds like the author is going to seize the souls – what about capitalizing Death in the previous line , and making this line ‘in time he’ll seize...’)
complete the cycle of despair,
the lost hope of the living dead.

Not so much of an edit but a new poem on its own – can’t comment on the meter for I’m clueless but overall I liked it. Hope my notes help.

Marianne

[Thoughtjotter]

Dangers are ignored by the fools,
a little help for their weakness.(this doesn’t seem to go with the first line – maybe something like ‘so little wonder their weakness’)
never thinking about the risk,
guessing next time will be the last.
even after the second time,
reason has been left far behind.

Denial often hides the facts,
even the righteous turn their head.
no evil among us they cry,(missing quotation marks)
from their sanctimonious halls.( Only a person can be sanctimonious – not an inanimate object)
always the last to see the truth,
let the devil take all the blame.

Caught by the trap of self deceit,
as a moth in the flames of hell.
unable to escape this vise, (vice not vise)
gone is the desire to turn back.
hell collects an enormous price,
the cost of false vitality. (why false vitality – this doesn’t make much sense to me – does meth make you feel more energetic? If that’s the case it would make sense)

Addiction grasps with sharpened claws
designed to hold until the end.
death awaits meth's ample harvest.
it's time to seize those ravaged souls. (‘it’s time to’ doesn’t seem to go here- sounds like the author is going to seize the souls – what about capitalizing Death in the previous line , and making this line ‘in time he’ll seize...’)
complete the cycle of despair,
the lost hope of the living dead.

Not so much of an edit but a new poem on its own – can’t comment on the meter for I’m clueless but overall I liked it. Hope my notes help.

Marianne

Thank you Marianne, I do appreciate you taking time to help with this learning process.
You have pointed out one of the weaknesses I keep forgetting to correct.
the use of slang terms, some of which are of my own creation and may be worse than cliches.
'a little help", slang for drugs and or alcohol, "weakness", any excuse a weak person can think of to justify their desires.
Grammar and punctuation, another area of improvement needed.
Good thing it wasn't a sanctimonious rock, huh? I do need to be more careful, Thanks again.
"with their sanctimonious voice"
"Vise vs Vice", I've got one of one and a bunch of the other, Always need to watch out for those.
I did have it as fake vitality then I changed it to false because I thought it would sound better. I guess you could call it energetic. What ever we call it, it's the reason I've got so many broken bones.
"in time he'll seize" Great idea, wish I had thought of it.
I didn't cap. 'death' because I wasn't sure how it would effect the acrostic.
Your notes were excellent and very much appreciated.
I had the Meter so messed up in the previous try in did kinda turn into a rewrite. Edit #4 was simply my foolish curiosity at an attempted acrostic poem.

[Mopkins]

I didn't notice it was an acrostic - your line 'from their sanctimonious' messes it up - the line should start with an I to make denial - you have DENFAL instead. what about 'In their sanctimonious tones' instead... just a suggestion.

[Thoughtjotter]

I didn't notice it was an acrostic - your line 'from their sanctimonious' messes it up - the line should start with an I to make denial - you have DENFAL instead. what about 'In their sanctimonious tones' instead... just a suggestion.

Now how in the world did I do that? must have got caught up in counting syllables in sanctimonious, I gotta fix that now!

Thank you so much,
R.T.