HMS Metaphor (Apologies to G and S, and from S Fry)

[tectak]

Ah, how fortune swings the points; stars by night, lodestone by day;
North by South...we tack the winds, that once blew us the other way.
Never turning into gale or by Charybdis, we’ll not go;
that arrow flight to Scylla aimed
is test enough so we scrape by.
Good fortune brags out, loud proclaimed,
but tongues still lie...if we near die.

If we near die beneath the tide -- heaving, dragging deep below--
tell no one but mark the spot; hoist sail, strain sheets and onward blow.
Awkward seas confound us all, so through the spy-glass we must peer;
the promised land, a lighthouse beam
is all our inward prayers demand.
But on this swell we live out dreams;
hopes come and go like sunken sands.

Sunken sands will come and go; charts and maps can not make clear
wither way to spin the wheel, or where to head or where to steer.
Cast adrift we rise, we fall, we spin, we toss, we plunge, we yaw.
The skipper tells us we’ll survive,
if we have faith all will be well.
Then Metaphor makes one last dive
to Davy’s Deep…the last Eighth Bell.

Tectak
2002 revisited

[Erthona]

Tom,

Clever use of trochee for first three lines then switching to iambs for last three, the cleverness is in landing on the half foot in trochee so it goes in to the iamb lines smoothly. In fact it causes all the lines to end on the hard count. So is the captain following after Odysseus, trying his luck with Scylla? "North by South" would indeed be an interesting way to go, I've been there myself, but forgot what I learned afterwords.

"the promised land, a lighthouse beam"
I think the light of which you speak is leagues beyond your reach.
Down you're dragged, down you'll stay it's no surprise, instead of safety on the beach.

Do you pull off this intended ship as poet despite it's name, and safely navigate the watery metaphor, as it is not the ship one navigates, but the ocean. Obviously, in this version the metaphor is much more difficult than most think, and thus are metaphorical crew end up sleeping with the fishes whilst Davey plays us a lullaby on his bassoon.

Sleepy, got to go...

dale

[Erthona]

Sorry if I ruined this for more critiquing, maybe bumping it to the top will help.

Dale

[tectak]

Sorry if I ruined this for more critiquing, maybe bumping it to the top will help.

Dale

Blame not thyself, for by such chastisement the guilty happy go...
I think I said that at school when the principal used that wonderful disclaimer before. a caning session...I blame myself, and this will hurt me more than it hurts you.
...if work languishes in serious workshopping I assume its fully cooked...you do, however, get an Hon. Mention in Fun, Unclear Physics and Canton Theory, so we have not fallen out.
Best and thanks,
tectak
(It was a Grammar Scool....we all talked like that!)

[ellajam]

Hi, I enjoy this with each read, but that sand always sticks for me. It's a wet, windy voyage and I never know where all that blowing sand comes from. "we near die" and "enough to through" are a bit twisted. Still, a fun read.

[tectak]

Hi, I enjoy this with each read, but that sand always sticks for me. It's a wet, windy voyage and I never know where all that blowing sand comes from. "we near die" and "enough to through" are a bit twisted. Still, a fun read.

Hi ella,
Yep...it's in fun but in serious!
We near die...hmmm....a near death experience...he was near dead when we found him...scrapes through? Or not?
Sand...yes...too keen on linking Sandman to shifting sand-bars, though dunes DO appear in the sea and move with the wind. Check out Dune de Pyla, west coast France
"Enough to through the..." is poor. I will work on that. Did you get the third line/first line next stanza rhyme scheme....I know you like these twisters.
Best,
tectak

[ellajam]

Hi, I enjoy this with each read, but that sand always sticks for me. It's a wet, windy voyage and I never know where all that blowing sand comes from. "we near die" and "enough to through" are a bit twisted. Still, a fun read.

Hi ella,
Yep...it's in fun but in serious!
Yes, I know, that's why it took me so long to comment and why I nitpicked you.

We near die...hmmm....a near death experience...he was near dead when we found him...scrapes through? Or not?
Those are not "near die". I understood, but the sound was off to me.

Sand...yes...to keen on linking Sandman to shifting sand-bars, though dunes DO appear in the sea and move with the wind. Check out Dune de Pyla, west coast France
I checked it out, and I know about sandbars, I'll read with that in mind and see if it sits better.

"Enough to through the..." is poor. I will work on that. Did you get the third line/first line next stanza rhyme scheme....I know you like these twisters.

I followed the rhymes down but didn't pinpoint that it was third/first. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll remember it now.
ella

Best,
tectak