Enûma Eliš 1st edit, Leanne, Philatone

[Erthona]

.

When high heaven yet was named,
and the waters weren't yet tamed,
from chaos all was claimed,
and molded to their great design.
Imposing order from on high,
though truth was always there,
arrogant power their reply,
in truth, they did not care.
“To act is sin, to sin to die.”
-----------------------------------------
Insanity sleeps next to my feet,
as my hands seek to avoid the humidity
from my tears as they seep through these pages
molding words into blackened obscurities;
these tears betray and steal away
my one distraction in this unjust exile.
Such is the price for aiding fools
who in their ignorance see help as bane;
believing what I gave freely a treasure to be stolen:
my only reward for giving away my heart
is their nescient contempt, hidden behind a smile.

Depression, Dread, my old friends have come to call on me again,
as though they had been away, on some midsummer’s holiday.
Actors they are. Pretending they are not,
just as surely as I, locked in this cell.
Although not alive, they seem more so
than these acquaintances of the past,
forced now through obligation to visit,
so they will not appear to themselves as evil;
or worse yet, unkind.
So as sacrifice to the altar of Sicyon do they come, benumbed.
Did I ever know them? It is hard to imagine;
we have so little in common.
I often wonder this, as a pale face floats in front of me,
murderous lips flapping, as when the air exits a balloon.
I would as soon not watch these grotesques expunge their senselessness,
but I am overly fascinated by their inane hollowness,
and in my loneliness I cannot force myself to turn away;
it has always been my greatest failing, so the new gods say.

I am Prometheus and they are my eagles, my crows.
I watch their liver coated viper’s tongues dart
in and out of their mouths; an adder tasting air
to see which way the wind blows.
Come on then you belly crawlers,
would you sink your stainless swords into me,
so that you might bloody them like an unworthy knight
taking a virgin kneeling at prayers from behind,
that he might on the morrow claim his spurs?

What delusion! Do you think you can take what I choose not to give?
I gave you my heart, the fire that burned in my breast,
a pearl beyond price, a gift beyond all sacrifice.
Was that abscission not sufficient to calm your greed,
did it not for even a minute satisfy your insatiable need?
Ah, I see. You have not the will or the courage to use it.
Did you not realize in your avarice a fire must feed?
Yes, I see the fear in your eyes, you will not risk
giving it what it craves, for fear of its reprise: a sacrifice
of your prejudices, misconceptions, self-deceit,
your taboos, tightly held dogma, and your falsely remembered heroic feats?
You fear it will pull down the defenses that keep
you from seeing things as they are,
and not as you would have them be.
Incomprehensible truth; beyond deception,
beyond control of your preconceptions.


Did you think the power of a god came without price?
Have you not heard the old adage,
“with knowledge comes responsibility”.
When this fire burns, it consumes the dark deceit
delusion is stripped away,
falsehood forever held at bay.
It destroys the black and white reality;
and it does so with an overawing finality.
It makes clear that all actions have unintended,
and unexpected consequence.
In ignorance you will find no defense,
you will be blameless never again
for in everything, to act is to sin!

"For him who need never atone,
let him cast the first stone."

Sad, sad, I pity you, for you are truly pitiful.
Seeing the world from such narrow minds.
Here then, give me back my wild little pet,
give me back my beloved, my life, my honor.
Here in my heart she will feed and be content.
Now go away my picayune friends,
you are not yet ready for such wonderment,
or such a burden as this gift portends.
For the moment, the only light you will know
will be the monochrome of reflected light,
ghosting over the landscape of darkness,
this, the only light to guide your sight.
For the moon reflects the distant sun,
but is the sun no more than this,
that you and the truth are one.
For you who see only in black and white,
cannot comprehend the limits of your sight.
Go on then, my poor scared children,
scurry now, back into your own dark night!

"Old gods know not death, they merely go to sleep,
underneath the ocean, down to the deepest deep.
Be careful then, when in sin, a great noise you make,
you never know just what you do, or who you might awake!"
______________________________________________________________

Enûma Eliš original

_______________________________________________________________

[Brownlie]

If I had some better tools I would analyze this more closely, but I got the word striped when I think you meant stripped. There was also some awkward syntax that can be cleaned up by some fine tuning. Intriguing topic though as I believe the feminine chaos is butchered for creation in this myth.

[Erthona]

"If I had some better tools I would analyze this more closely, but I got the word striped when I think you meant stripped." Thanks for catching that. I had meant to correct that in the last edit, I went ahead and corrected it.

"Intriguing topic though as I believe the feminine chaos is butchered for creation in this myth."

Isn't that always the case. Yes, in the original Sumerian/Akkadian "Tiamat" is overthrown by Marduk in a war of the older gods versus the newer ones. This is echoed in Greek mythology in the gods vs Titans/giants wars, and also in the Hindu myths, I am not aware of anything in the Egyptian myths that reflects it clearly, there is of course The Pyramid Texts, but it doesn't tell of anything similar to the Sumerian, although there are other stories that are nearly an exact match such as the Set-Horus war, this is also closely matched in the Hindu.

"There was also some awkward syntax that can be cleaned up by some fine tuning."

There probably is, of course some of it is intentional for the rhythmic quality and to make it sound like an oral myth being told. If you have time to point out the places you are talking about, I would like to look them over for the next edit.

Thanks again for your time,

dale

[Brownlie]

.

When high heaven yet was named,
and the waters weren't yet tamed,
from chaos all was claimed,
and molded to their great design.
Imposing order from on high,
though truth was always there,
arrogant power their reply,
in truth, they did not care.
“To act is sin, to sin to die.”
-----------------------------------------
Insanity sleeps next to my feet,
as my hands seek to avoid the humidity
from my tears as they seep through these pages
molding words into blackened obscurities;
these tears betray and steal away
my one distraction in this unjust exile.
Such is the price for aiding fools
who in their ignorance see help as bane;
believing what I gave freely a treasure to be stolen:
my only reward for giving away my heart
is their nescient contempt, hidden behind a smile.

Depression, Dread, my old friends have come to call on me again,
as though they had been away, on some midsummer’s holiday.
Actors they are. Pretending they are not, --Actors they are is awkward, though I suppose this could be some linguistic device.
just as surely as I, locked in this cell.
Although not alive, they seem more so
than these acquaintances of the past,
forced now through obligation to visit,
so they will not appear to themselves as evil;
or worse yet, unkind.
So as sacrifice to the altar of Sicyon do they come, benumbed. do they come is also awkward. If there is a question here you would need a question mark.
Did I ever know them? It is hard to imagine;
we have so little in common.
I often wonder this, as a pale face floats in front of me,
murderous lips flapping, as when the air exits a balloon.
I would as soon not watch these grotesques expunge their senselessness,
but I am overly fascinated by their inane hollowness,
and in my loneliness I cannot force myself to turn away;
it has always been my greatest failing, so the new gods say.

I am Prometheus and they are my eagles, my crows.
I watch their liver coated viper’s tongues dart - there seems to be a disagreement here as viper is singular and tongues is plural. Though you begin to achieve a good mix of sonics and images in this stanza.
in and out of their mouths; an adder tasting air
to see which way the wind blows.
Come on then you belly crawlers,
would you sink your stainless swords into me,
so that you might bloody them like an unworthy knight
taking a virgin kneeling at prayers from behind,
that he might on the morrow claim his spurs? -- I believe Morrow is archaic which is probably ok as long as you recognized that fact about the word.
What delusion! Lots of ramifications with the word delusion Do you think you can take what I choose not to give?
I gave you my heart, the fire that burned in my breast,
a pearl beyond price, a gift beyond all sacrifice.
Was that abscission not sufficient to calm your greed,
did it not for even a minute satisfy your insatiable need?
Ah, I see. You have not the will or the courage to use it.
Did you not realize in your avarice a fire must feed?
Yes, I see the fear in your eyes, you will not risk
giving it what it craves, for fear of its reprise: a sacrifice
of your prejudices, misconceptions, self-deceit,
your taboos, tightly held dogma, and your falsely remembered heroic feats?
You fear it will pull down the defenses that keep
you from seeing things as they are,
and not as you would have them be.
Incomprehensible truth; beyond deception,
beyond control of your preconceptions. -- I don't think that the article after your semicolon is completely independent.

Did you think the power of a god came without price?
Have you not heard the old adage, -- This line is indicative of a verbose quality that hinders the whole poem. It can be corrected in my opinion.
“with knowledge comes responsibility”.
When this fire burns, it consumes the dark deceit
delusion is stripped away,
falsehood forever held at bay.
It destroys the black and white reality;
and it does so with an overawing finality.
It makes clear that all actions have unintended,
and unexpected consequence.
In ignorance you will find no defense,
you will be blameless never again -- The syntax is awkward here. "you will never be blameless again" may be a better organization here.
for in everything, to act is to sin!

"For him who need never atone,
let him cast the first stone."

Sad, sad, I pity you, for you are truly pitiful. -- Unless the repetition of the word uses the words again with a different meaning I don't see why they should be repeated.
Seeing the world from such narrow minds.
Here then, give me back my wild little pet,
give me back my beloved, my life, my honor.
Here in my heart she will feed and be content.
Now go away my picayune friends,
you are not yet ready for such wonderment,
or such a burden as this gift portends.
For the moment, the only light you will know
will be the monochrome of reflected light, -- Monochrome is a powerful word.
ghosting over the landscape of darkness,
this, the only light to guide your sight.
For the moon reflects the distant sun, -- I would suggest finding a way to convey this fact without explicitly stating it.
but is the sun no more than this,
that you and the truth are one.
For you who see only in black and white,
cannot comprehend the limits of your sight.
Go on then, my poor scared children,
scurry now, back into your own dark night!

"Old gods know not death, they merely go to sleep,
underneath the ocean, down to the deepest deep.
Be careful then, when in sin, a great noise you make,
you never know just what you do, or who you might awake!"
______________________________________________________________

Enûma Eliš original

_______________________________________________________________

Hopefully my notes can help you. Good Luck.

[Erthona]

Thanks Brownlie,

I think all of those are spot on, and will incorporate them. I agree the tone is a tad too pompous, and I need to soften it, as well as some of the archaic speech, i.e. syntax reversal.

I appreciate the effort it took, this is a fairly long poem to wade through.

Thanks again,

dale