Morag at the Store Edit 1.0 erthona, true, et al

[tectak]

Morag moves among her mountains
musing in the dark back store.
Duncan, faither, sells Camp Coffee,
milk in cartons, beans in fours,
tinned potatoes, tablet toffee,
frozen peas and pies galore.

Morag shelves the cardboard boxes;
climbs the ladder up the rack.
In her head she scales the Munroes,
haversack upon her back;
on the mountain trail she follows,
memorised, a well-worn track.

Morag never leaves the back store,
never sees the passing trade,
never smiles at lads who see her
moving shadow in the shade.
Faither says that Morag's fear
is contact with the boy's brigade.

Morag dreams of highland trysts with
Celtic Princes, Jaspered Kings.
Naked, she flies at ruby sundown,
soaring west on eagle's wings;
but wears for him a linen bedgown,
best he not see her private things.

Morag lives inside the backroom,
faither tells her of his day.
Never does she spill her dreaming,
keeps her lovers hid away;
but on the the shelf she whiles a'scheming
and on the shelf Morag will stay.

Morag at the store.
tectak
2014

[Truerenigma]

Aside from the inversions which are a trade off and a given when reading your verse, I thoroughly enjoy this poem.

Since this is serious, I humbly submit this complaint about "naked flies", and "galore" is a bit over-done. (not by you and here, but by others elsewhere)

[ellajam]

Love this one, especially

Morag stacks the cardboard boxes;
climbs the ladder up the rack.
In her head she scales the Munroes,
haversack upon her back;
on the mountain trail she follows,
memorised, a well-worn track.

It made me know her.

The only place I had a problem was

but wears for him a silken bedgown,
best he not see her private things.

Who's "him"?

Great run of poems you've been posting, traveling from my couch.

[tectak]

Aside from the inversions which are a trade off and a given when reading your verse, I thoroughly enjoy this poem.

Since this is serious, I humbly submit this complaint about "naked flies", and "galore" is a bit over-done. (not by you and here, but by others elsewhere)

Hi true,
This inversion thing will my downfall be. I find it interesting that a device so universally frowned upon seems so apposite in verse. Why should that be? Is it an easy way out of semantic cul de sacs? After all, we tend not to speak in inversions. For my part I use it primarily to force the constancy of meter...I must try not to.
Thanks for your read and comments,
Best,
tectak

---

Love this one, especially

Morag stacks the cardboard boxes;
climbs the ladder up the rack.
In her head she scales the Munroes,
haversack upon her back;
on the mountain trail she follows,
memorised, a well-worn track.

It made me know her.

The only place I had a problem was

but wears for him a silken bedgown,
best he not see her private things.

Who's "him"?

Great run of poems you've been posting, traveling from my couch.

Aha!You locked on to my little piquancy....who indeed is "him"? It was not an accident or an error. I guess you guess what I am inferring.
Thanks,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

This is mostly in trochee tetrameter...mostly. Such a simple meter to stick with. I can answer the question about the inversion. It occurs because you move into iambs, which are not natural to English syntactically, but were foisted upon by the hated Normans, thus the same problem exists in sonnets (Unless of course your Leanne, who never seems to have trouble with it).

All of the following lines are awkward, if not painful, and should be corrected forthwith, and put into correct form.

"she naked flies the ruby sundown,
carried west on Eagle's wings;
but wears for him a silken bedgown,
best he not see her private things."

"but on the the shelf she stays a'scheming
and on the shelf Morag will stay."
______________________________________________________________________
To the content:

"she naked flies the ruby sundown,
carried west on Eagle's wings;"

How does one fly the "ruby sundown" (or are they naked flies?), and if one is flying said sundown, why does one need conveyance on "Eagle's wings"?
_______________________________________________________________________
Really Tom, since morag stays in the store all of this must occur in her head. I don't know what this is about but lines like

"Morag moves among her mountains
musing in the dark back store."


certainly do more to obscure than enlighten. The only Morag I've heard of is the beastie, which lives not far from the Munroes, but she lives in the Loch, not in a "dark back store" whatever the hell that is.

No, too many clues to be just a girl named Morag who hides from people and lives mostly in her head.


Dale

[tectak]

Tom,

This is mostly in trochee tetrameter...mostly. Such a simple meter to stick with. I can answer the question about the inversion. It occurs because you move into iambs, which are not natural to English syntactically, but were foisted upon by the hated Normans, thus the same problem exists in sonnets (Unless of course your Leanne, who never seems to have trouble with it).

All of the following lines are awkward, if not painful, and should be corrected forthwith, and put into correct form.

"she naked flies the ruby sundown,
carried west on Eagle's wings;
but wears for him a silken bedgown,
best he not see her private things."

"but on the the shelf she stays a'scheming
and on the shelf Morag will stay."
______________________________________________________________________
To the content:

"she naked flies the ruby sundown,
carried west on Eagle's wings;"

How does one fly the "ruby sundown" (or are they naked flies?), and if one is flying said sundown, why does one need conveyance on "Eagle's wings"?
_______________________________________________________________________
Really Tom, since morag stays in the store all of this must occur in her head. I don't know what this is about but lines like

"Morag moves among her mountains
musing in the dark back store."


certainly do more to obscure than enlighten. The only Morag I've heard of is the beastie, which lives not far from the Munroes, but she lives in the Loch, not in a "dark back store" whatever the hell that is.

No, too many clues to be just a girl named Morag who hides from people and lives mostly in her head.


Dale

Hi Dale, 
Good catches spurrrrrrred me to other changes. Morag exists...but I have used her as a muse for many poems and short stories. I involve her in  intriguing circumstances and can still see her in the (unnamed) village store 40 years ago. Names change to protect the innocent regularly. 
The "dark, back store" was an outlet for wholesale clients who ran small b and b's,  hotels and in one case another store...it was just that. A dark, back store...unlit.
And of course, she lived in her head. There is innuendo but no obscurity. I don't do obscure....er...often.
Best and thanks,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

Thanks for the information, I'll be able to sleep tonight!

However I must dissent, innuendo without purpose is obfuscation.

Also, if Ruby Sundown is not an object, but an event, should it not read

"Naked, she flies at/during ruby sundown"

as she is not "in" anything, but on wings.

dale

[ChristopherSea]

Morag moves among her mountains
musing in the dark back store.
Duncan, faither, sells Camp Coffee,
milk in cartons, beans in fours,
tinned potatoes, tablet toffee,
frozen peas and pies galore.

Morag stacks the cardboard boxes;
climbs the ladder up the rack.
In her head she scales the Munroes,
haversack upon her back;
on the mountain trail she follows,
memorised, a well-worn track.

Morag never leaves the back store,
never sees the passing trade,
never smiles at lads who see her
moving shadow in the shade.
Faither says that Morag's fear
is contact with the boy's brigade.

Morag dreams of highland trists with
Celtic Princes, Jaspered Kings.
Naked, she flies in ruby sundown,
carried west on Eagle's wings;
but wears for him a linen bedgown,
best he not see her private things.

Morag lives inside the backroom,
faither tells her of his day.
Never does she spill her dreaming,
keeps her lovers hid away;
but on the the shelf she stays a'scheming
and on the shelf Morag will stay.

Morag at the store.
tectak
2014

My advice for both you and Dale is: 'Contend you not' on the phrase reversals or inversions, because you both love to use them. The Morag threw me, along with some other Scottish touches. "Tapadh leat" my poetry faither and mentor. Nonetheless, I thought this may have been a metaphor for Nessie's cousin of the same name. The store being the Lock she is confined to swim/live in. However, this would be convoluted by the fact Morag is a common Scottish lassie name. 'the dark back store' struck me oddly, but that could be some dialect. However, the way it morphs to 'the back store' and then again to 'the backroom' is intriguing. You also have the list of sundries items that some will object to. I think it builds atmosphere. Her fantasy is the highlight, presumably until some Gaelic Prince, like the village mason, sweeps her out of the store or she comes of age. Not much of a critique, but my impressions shared. I like it. Thanks for your venue-themed posts. Cheers/Chris

[Erthona]

"My advice for both you and Dale is: 'Contend you not' on the phrase reversals or inversions, because you both love to use them."

Ah a rogue who likes to bite me with my own mouth,
but I shall a case lay out,
and thus dispose of this lout!

(Ach, he's incorrigible, leave him be and mayhap he'll die on his own!)
___________________________________________________________
Well of course I do and I use them purposefully, however Tom likes his metre straight, like he likes his Scotch, but as with Scotch, after a few he gets giddy, and can't help himself.

As for contention, contention is the meat of excellence, and if we contend not, how can we decide who gets Hermia, and who gets Helena.

"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend."

see even the Bard agrees, plus we are talking in trochee, not iambs!

dale