Damaged.

[TheNotoriousLmc]

I sit and sit and sit. I wait and wait and wait… The hours go by, each one slowly killing me more and more and more… My mind works against me, my friends long gone, and my bad habits were dumped down the drain too late, I sit here coping with myself, I sit here wondering what could have been, I sit here empty and alone. For all the material things I own in this world, I would trade it all just for one last night to make things right with her… but she doesn’t care, she never did. When I wake, I feel nothing but remorse, by lunch, I’m too sick to eat, and by dinner I’ve broken down in tears just wanting everything to be different. But she never cared, did she? I sit here and wait for her reply, I sit here and tell myself not to **** things up, I sit there and promise myself not to cry, but I’m not good at keeping promises. I remain solitary, but all I want to do is open up. I tell them I’m happy and not to worry about me, but it hurts so bad to tell the ones you love lies, I’m not happy… When was the last time? She’s ruined me and it’s because I’ve got nothing to move on to, I had nothing before her, and I have nothing now… They say money can’t buy happiness, it provides short intervals of joy, but paper isn’t a companion, paper won’t let you know how much you mean to it… she is hell, she tells me what I want to hear, she tells me everything is ok just to shut me up. But she never meant any of it did she? She walked on me, used me, turned me into this, she gave me joy, but now she doesn’t care.


I'm no poet by any means, honestly I'm not even sure if this counts as a poem. I just needed to get some thoughts out into the world. Thanks guys/girls any feedback is welcome, positive or negative.

[PAX]

Dear TheNotoriousLmc,

Why wouldn't this count as a poem? You have a particular way of describing things, some repetitive, but it gives your writing emphasis. I like how you started with "I sit here..." but then change to "I sit there..." It felt like a transition from a subjective point of view to one more objective. Very fitting title. My only suggestion would be to try to identify where you feel a natural break should be and start a new line. For instance, where you use ellipses (...) try starting the next word in a new line to see if it reads more how you thought it. Thanks for sharing your post!!

PAX

[Lock Key]

A poem is more than just making the words fit in the right places, or following a rhythm that rhymes every line. A poem hits the reader with your feelings and personal experience so that they can relate to it, and you have done just that with "Damaged"
If, however you are going to write more poems and prose. Then you need to work on how to structure your poem into stanza style.


Lock Key

[Sheep]

It's very raw, I definitely feel a lot of emotion packed in there, like impulsiveness of poetry slam or spoken word, but some sort of structure will be nice on paper.

[ChristopherSea]

Written out in long form like that, it could be prose poetry, but the there are not enough visuals, similies or metaphor. Also, the repeats don't really work. Try to establish some line breaks, enjambment, perhaps a couple stanza. You can establish drama, time lapse with the proper breaks. For example:

I sit
and wait.

Hours go by,
each one slowly killing me.

Trim some of the wordy angst out of the piece. Use a strong image or metaphor to replace them, eg:

I sit like an empty bench
in a park closed years ago.

Also, either use the 'F' word or delete it. For myself, it almost never works in a poem. Cut out the cliche about money buying happiness. What does money have to do with a relationship? Don't ramble, find a central theme and a core metaphor to emphasize it.

Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

[5th Flow Boy]

You repetitions are over-used, the flow of the message is distorted with the continuation of verbiage so frequently.. I would suggest if this affect is what you are aiming to showcase, then spread out the usage within the stanza's. I would also suggest writing the poem in a standard 4 line delivery, it gives readers an idea of the flow in which you would desire them to follow as they read.

Hope this helped. I would like to see the revised version.

[kindofahippy]

When I wake, I feel nothing but remorse, by lunch, I’m too sick to eat, and by dinner I’ve broken down in tears just wanting everything to be different.

This line could use a semicolon: remorse; by lunch, I'm too sick too eat; and by dinner...

Other than that, this is poetry! It speaks from the heart, and I can tell by the rhythm and intensity that it was likely inspired and written out all at once. It's pretty much the way I write, to express emotions that I otherwise keep hidden away from the world, and the only trouble with this form is that it requires editing. I agree with the above poster that spacing out your lines a little more would add some pizzaz to your poetry, instead of the words in a dense paragraph flowing together in the mind, like this paragraph here.

[DobbysSockk]

It's great! I love everything about it!, I would only say what everyone else has, it needs to be written in stanzas. Break it up and you can stress certain parts more with the break in the text and the pause as someone reads it.

[MadisonDiem]

I sit and sit and sit. I wait and wait and wait… The hours go by, each one slowly killing me more and more and more… My mind works against me, my friends long gone, and my bad habits were dumped down the drain too late, I sit here coping with myself, I sit here wondering what could have been, I sit here empty and alone. For all the material things I own in this world, I would trade it all just for one last night to make things right with her… but she doesn’t care, she never did. When I wake, I feel nothing but remorse, by lunch, I’m too sick to eat, and by dinner I’ve broken down in tears just wanting everything to be different. But she never cared, did she? I sit here and wait for her reply, I sit here and tell myself not to **** things up, I sit there and promise myself not to cry, but I’m not good at keeping promises. I remain solitary, but all I want to do is open up. I tell them I’m happy and not to worry about me, but it hurts so bad to tell the ones you love lies, I’m not happy… When was the last time? She’s ruined me and it’s because I’ve got nothing to move on to, I had nothing before her, and I have nothing now… They say money can’t buy happiness, it provides short intervals of joy, but paper isn’t a companion, paper won’t let you know how much you mean to it… she is hell, she tells me what I want to hear, she tells me everything is ok just to shut me up. But she never meant any of it did she? She walked on me, used me, turned me into this, she gave me joy, but now she doesn’t care.


I'm no poet by any means, honestly I'm not even sure if this counts as a poem. I just needed to get some thoughts out into the world. Thanks guys/girls any feedback is welcome, positive or negative.

Everyone has pretty much already given comment on the need to add some structure to this.. for me, this reads as a thought-stream brainstorming session. From here, you need to edit it down, focus on the strong feelings and images, and expand on them. In this, I'm not really seeing many images besides the sitting and the aloneness; the rest of it is mostly abstractions which don't evoke any true emotion or meaning for me. Also try to use more vivid words, choices like 'joy', 'promises', and 'happiness' are all a bit boring and overused.

[Hermit]

I really liked the emotion you displayed here. I think you were very descriptive and you obviously this was well written and thought out. A thing to change though, as others said, would surely be to translate the work into stanzas and lines. In this way, people will feel more emotion in the work. What I mean by that is if you have it in lines and stanzas, the reader will read the way you thought it in your mind. In this way the reader gains a connection to you, the author and is able to be more affected by a beautiful poem such as this.

[WordJunky]

Dont discount your creative expression man, you may not be a literary major, maybe not even anytime soon.. but your emotions came off strong to me, true feeling. I personally think that realism and blunt expressions of feelings in writing mean more than any "covert" message that any poetic metaphor could ever get across. To be honest man, my eyes started welling up a bit when reading your "creative journal entry", having been through a similiar experience.

Just an extra note on what you said;

I am sure you understand as well as i do, writing is a form of release, a form of therapy for ones self to reflect in. Just my take on what you said;

From what you wrote it's obvious you hold a certain amount of resentment against her, but in all reality, she was living her life the same she had always had, even before meeting you.

Although being a hard chore to take on, personal responsibility allows us to protect ourselves from a certain "projection" of blame, for the one claiming "their" part in any given situation is allowed to feel freedom of resentment, foryou are only the bearer of that which you take personal part in, vs. holding problems of "self', insecurities, self judgments, victimization. These, when outwardly projected only reflect a certain amount of unrealized ignorance in self realization.
Good luck with your strife in life, i hope you get what you need.
Thanks for your share man.

[denniswilson]

This is pretty good! definitely don't discount yourself. I much prefer this spoken word/poetry to a lot of rhyming poems. It tells a great story and a very good way to express yourself

[Thoughtjotter]

If you can write anything this long about the same person, in the same tense and on the same subject you WILL be able to learn. Try writing short poems about things you are familiar with. Read different poets and poems and Read them aloud. Follow the suggestions of the above feedback. You know how to write down your thoughts, just keep doing that until you learn how to turn them into poems.