On Cloudless Nights

[JakMak]

What you did,
with where you went,
when we weren't,
and I was away

Came with a wall,
that I couldn't climb,
so why weep?
when I walk away

I was always only,
Completely yours,
in an indiscretion,
you threw me away

I cannot join you,
across that space,
where you lingered,
without me... but not alone

You say "if you ever,
then you would now."
it was all of me,
and with all of me I DID

But your piece I keep,
tucked away seperately,
for it could never reach,
through 'that' divide

What was once a sun,
has become a star,
shining amongst the others,
to be treasured from afar
On Cloudless Nights...

[Mopkins]

On Cloudless Nights
What ya did,- the slang ‘ya’ here doesn’t match the ‘you’s used elsewhere
With where ya went,
When we weren't,
And I was away

Came with a wall,
That I couldn't climb,
So why weep? -? should be end of next line
When I walk away

I was always only,
Completely yours,
In an indiscretion,
You threw me away

I cannot join you,
Across that place,
Where you lingered,
Without me... but not alone

You say "if you ever -if you ever what? ‘If you ever did’ might make more sense or’ if you ever loved’
Then you would now.”
It was all of me,
And with all of me I DID

But your piece I keep,
Tucked separately inside,
For it could never reach,
Through 'that' divide - why do you start rhyming here and in the last verse – you didn’t start out rhyming and (to me) it doesn’t seem to go with the rest of the poem..

What was once a sun,
Has become a star,
Shining amongst the others,
To be treasured from afar
On Cloudless Nights...

Your last verse contains a very neat idea – the girl who was once his sun is now merely one of many stars in the sky – i liked that, but was unsure about treasured from afar – it a bit of a cliché.

I’m always being told of for using capitals at the start of every line – don’t do it- it makes you look daggy and unlearned (apparently)

Overall, this has potential. Keep at it!

[JakMak]

On Cloudless Nights
What ya did,- the slang ‘ya’ here doesn’t match the ‘you’s used elsewhere
With where ya went,
When we weren't,
And I was away

Came with a wall,
That I couldn't climb,
So why weep? -? should be end of next line
When I walk away

I was always only,
Completely yours,
In an indiscretion,
You threw me away

I cannot join you,
Across that place,
Where you lingered,
Without me... but not alone

You say "if you ever -if you ever what? ‘If you ever did’ might make more sense or’ if you ever loved’
Then you would now.”
It was all of me,
And with all of me I DID

But your piece I keep,
Tucked separately inside,
For it could never reach,
Through 'that' divide - why do you start rhyming here and in the last verse – you didn’t start out rhyming and (to me) it doesn’t seem to go with the rest of the poem..

What was once a sun,
Has become a star,
Shining amongst the others,
To be treasured from afar
On Cloudless Nights...

Your last verse contains a very neat idea – the girl who was once his sun is now merely one of many stars in the sky – i liked that, but was unsure about treasured from afar – it a bit of a cliché.

I’m always being told of for using capitals at the start of every line – don’t do it- it makes you look daggy and unlearned (apparently)

Overall, this has potential. Keep at it!

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I've made some changes, but kept some things as well. The ? In the second stanza marks a sequence of events. I think the words "loved me" in the 5th stanza is more powerful unsaid, and draws more attention to what that stanza means. The "treasured from afar" expresses he still cares about her, but will only do so impersonally, from a distance, I'm still thinking about how to work that. I appreciate your critique, and finding potential in my work.

[TheDoctorCam]

It was mentioned earlier, but be thorough with you/ya and the capitalization point is a good one. It is a mistake made by nearly every new poet, that with center aligning haha. The potential in this poem lies in the last stanza. And much like Mopkins said, the "treasured from afar" is a bit cheesy. That can easily be transformed into something more meaningful and descriptive. Great work and I look forward to reading more posts!