I Need a Time Machine to Save a Life

[AngelOfFire]

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved.
Loved for exactly who she is;
Not for some fake image she
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul.
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.

[ChristopherSea]

Angel of fire,

I love the concept herein, very cool! I would try to incorporate a core metaphor to illustrate this fantastic theme more than just spelling it out in pure narrative. Nice piece and welcome to the site! All the best/Chris

[AngelOfFire]

Angel of fire,

I love the concept herein, very cool! I would try to incorporate a core metaphor to illustrate this fantastic theme more than just spelling it out in pure narrative. Nice piece and welcome to the site! All the best/Chris

Thanks for reading and the welcome.

[Camels]

Good job! You should tell the little girl to love herself the most though because that is more important than any man.

[AngelOfFire]

Good job! You should tell the little girl to love herself the most though because that is more important than any man.

Easier said than done. She's working on it. I promise. Thanks for reading.

[geoff]

Hello Angel,

welcome to the site; nice to see you posting so soon.
Here are some quick thoughts I had:

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved.
Loved for exactly who she is;
Not for some fake image she ...could we elaborate on this "fake image"? When the reader is allowed to imagine instead of being told, the reader is able to get immersed in the piece. When all the hard work is done already for the reader, it really keeps a distance from the writer
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul. ...how could this "love" be demonstrated? Again, rather than being outwardly described as such, having a line or two that shows how the man keeps his eyes on her as she speaks, sits at the table so his knee brushes hers, etc. It is these hints of something more that can spur the imagination for the reader
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so ....another place where an example and some showing could really work wonders. How has she damaged herself? give a line or two or a stanza or something that explains implicitly
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.

I'm feeling a lot of emotion behind the piece, but that is striking me as more of a distraction. I'm being told how to feel as I read, rather than being led by suggestion. To have a stronger impact for me, it helps when I can draw my own conclusions a bit more often. The easiest way to do that would be through more imagery and engaging of the senses. In that way, I'm agreeing with Christopher's comments.

I hope that helps. Thanks for the read,

-geoff

[Erthona]

AOF,

This line seems a bit off

"Wants it more than anything. " Seems it should read "Wants her more than anything."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could probably drop some of the "I need to tell". The first one is the only necessary one.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drop capitalizing the first word of every line, that convention went out in the 1950's, except in the case of sonnets, which this is not.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the last four line, an example not a suggestion.

I want to tell her not to
ruin our life, by doing again
what she did today."

------------------------------------------------
For me a primary concern is there is no cadence to help move this along. Also, I would agree with Chris, "I would try to incorporate a core metaphor", or any metaphor, or poetics tropes.
---------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, I do agree it is a good idea to work with, not completely original, but certain not overused. I think how you determine to put the idea to use will determine its success or not.

Best,

Dale

[billy]

Good job! You should tell the little girl to love herself the most though because that is more important than any man.

this is not feedback as far as you/we know the person may not even exist.
why was it a good job? what worked in the poem, what didn't work.
while we don't expect a4 size amounts of feedback we do hope for a little more than one liners :J:/mod

---

hi angel

the theme is something all parents who have daughters go through so you'll have some empathy with it. a few thoughts below. at present the poem is telly and wordy. show us something about the girl and the 1st person whose narrating the poem.

an example;

I need to tell her

'wait'.

Not to settle
For the unworthy.

though there's little imagery in what i wrote, it sort of gives an idea how to make the words less yet more.

thanks for the read.

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved. loved is a huge word two is almost massive, if you remove the one in this line you'll create some enjambment and the reader will have to pause and think more. [a suggestion]
Loved for exactly who she is; exactly feels redundant.
Not for some fake image she
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul.
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.

[shemthepenman]

this is a well written little poem, despite the 'message' being somewhat trite and a million times done before and done better. It all sounds a bit melodramatic and cliche ridden; like the kind of advice one would here a sympathetic friend on some cheesy american sitcom give: "you don't need to settle for someone who is unworthy. There will be a man who loves you body, mind and soul." not to mention it is incredibly depressing, self-defeating and limp.
despite all that, kind of liked it.

[Todd]

Hi,

I've been away from the site for a bit, but I want to leave a few comments on this one:

First, the title is great. It pulls you in, but it needs a much better payoff for the reader. It feels too shorthand to me. "loved for exactly who she is, fake image, etc. There doesn't seem to be much emotionally at stake here. It alludes to choices but doesn't make us care about the choices. This strikes me as a first draft that needs to go deeper. It has potential though.

Also watch your line breaks you break on some throwaway words when there are better choices (L4 should probably end on invents not and given your title. L11 should probably end on Wants given that time machine's talk about regret and unfulfilled wants. Just a few examples).

Best,

Todd

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved.
Loved for exactly who she is;
Not for some fake image she
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul.
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.

[poe]

Although the poem is written as an admonition to someone(finally oneself). written in a conversational form rather than something highly structured or metered, the last two lines tie it up with a dramatic and effective resolution giving it dramatic poignancy. What is deeply touching is how the young writer wisely predicts the message to herself that she never got but should have from her own mother sister or aunt.