Coach Milo

[fim]

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style)
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt,
unless while ridiculing a player
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

[billy]

he puts the shits up me as well

i wonder if this would be better in the for fun section?

while it gave me a wry smile, it feels more prose than poetry.
i'd like there to have been some poetic devices in there; thinks like simile, assonance, alliteration etc.

[milo]

he puts the shits up me as well

i wonder if this would be better in the for fun section?

while it gave me a wry smile, it feels more prose than poetry.
i'd like there to have been some poetic devices in there; thinks like simile, assonance, alliteration etc.

yah, the "for fun" forum seems a better home.

The meter's a mess btw.

I was slightly surprised to see this as I don't think I've ever offered critique on any of fim's poems. (discounting this one).

[Snowbells]

Hi there, Fim;
at first I wondered about the "coach", but now I read your poem as a tribute to our esteemed moderator, Milo. Right? Interesting poem.
I would agree that strict discipline acquired in the sports arena will benefit a poet in the art of writing as well.
Just a few suggestions below, indicated in red. Regards, Jerry

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style)
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff[.] remove period and place comma

[N]ever acknowledging the pain of injury (never)
or the existence of fear or doubt,
unless while ridiculing a player
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
[“Unleash] the animal from its cage!” (I would say: Release . . .)
Hit the opponents so viciously
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

[fim]

Hi there, Fim;
at first I wondered about the "coach", but now I read your poem as a tribute to our esteemed moderator, Milo. Right? Interesting poem.
I would agree that strict discipline acquired in the sports arena will benefit a poet in the art of writing as well.
Just a few suggestions below, indicated in red. Regards, Jerry

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style)
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff[.] remove period and place comma

[N]ever acknowledging the pain of injury (never)
or the existence of fear or doubt,
unless while ridiculing a player
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
[“Unleash] the animal from its cage!” (I would say: Release . . .)
Hit the opponents so viciously
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

billie,
I considered putting it in the Fun Forum. That certainly would be consistent with the intent (although I believe in every joke there is a bit of truth). I decided Mild because I have a lot more to learn and I need and value critique, particularly those of the Masters of the Minion-Members
Snowbells,
Thank you for the critique. I think all of your suggestions are spot-on.
Master Milo,
I don't know if I am relatively unique or ordinary, but I don't sit down and write a poem. I will be doing something and all a sudden I will just have to write down a poem that is bursting forth from somewhere in me. I was reading some poetry on our site this morning and you critiqued a poem the way you do and shortly thereafter I wrote Coach Milo. I have a surgeon who has operated on me several times; all successfully. He is incredibly talented. His bedside manner sucks. I wouldn't consider going to any other surgeon.
Cheers,
fim

[ChristopherSea]

Aha, fear of being Milo-ed, eh? Trying to pre-empt an attack by writing a piece about him and posting to mild critique, I see. Well, it's a reasonable metaphor, as his jock may be strapped a bit too tight. Nonetheless, his motives are not to malign, but to help one approve.

He is not without bias and I doubt any postmodern poetry stands up to his demands for a preposition, noun, verb, punctuation, etc, in every sentence. However, all joking aside, he stuck with me on the editing of the first piece that I posted here. Milo and I had several exchanges until I finalized it, which I really respected and appreciated. Now he has a forum to do so on a one-on-one basis which is admirable. He is a wonderful and well read poet with extensive knowledge and insight in the art form.

As for your poem, you focus too much on fear as opposed to discipline. Both the coach’s and Milo’s approaches are to develop discipline, that you have read in both cases as an intent to invoke fear. So this needs a rewrite with a focus on discipline and fundamentals to be successful in my mind. Also, decide whether you want to rhyme or not. This was a bit rough and had trouble with direction. There was a bit much to try to smooth over, so I just have an example that could serve as an example template:

My Coach Milo

In American football
the coaches are gruff.
We hear intimidation,
when the discipline gets tough.

Don’t they have any compassion
behind the high-decibel shout?
Don’t they see our trepidation,
lack of knowledge, hence our doubt?

It is a well-established culture
to hammer out the principles
and the constant repetition
will develop our fundamentals…

…or something more like this, see what you think./Chris

[fim]

Aha, fear of being Milo-ed, eh? Trying to pre-empt an attack by writing a piece about him and posting to mild critique, I see. Well, it's a reasonable metaphor, as his jock may be strapped a bit too tight. Nonetheless, his motives are not to malign, but to help one approve.

He is not without bias and I doubt any postmodern poetry stands up to his demands for a preposition, noun, verb, punctuation, etc, in every sentence. However, all joking aside, he stuck with me on the editing of the first piece that I posted here. Milo and I had several exchanges until I finalized it, which I really respected and appreciated. Now he has a forum to do so on a one-on-one basis which is admirable. He is a wonderful and well read poet with extensive knowledge and insight in the art form.

As for your poem, you focus too much on fear as opposed to discipline. Both the coach’s and Milo’s approaches are to develop discipline, that you have read in both cases as an intent to invoke fear. So this needs a rewrite with a focus on discipline and fundamentals to be successful in my mind. Also, decide whether you want to rhyme or not. This was a bit rough and had trouble with direction. There was a bit much to try to smooth over, so I just have an example that could serve as your template:

My Coach Milo

In American football
the coaches are gruff.
We hear intimidation,
when the discipline gets tough.

Don’t they have any compassion
behind the high-decibel shout?
Don’t they see our trepidation,
lack of knowledge, hence our doubt?

It is a well-established culture
to hammer out the principles
and the constant repetition
will develop our fundamentals…

…or something more like this, see what you think./Chris

Thanks Chris! I am going to take you up on the offer to critique a poem someday. My poems tend to be a little like Ray Stevens songs in that that they tend to be long and therefore sometimes don't get critiqued. Don't think I will edit Coach Milo anytime soon though. It was just one of these things that seem to burst forth, that I just had to write down. I was Milo'ed (as you put it). Milo critiqued my first critique. It stung. No permanent harm done though (much like my football experience). I readily acknowledge I have benefited a lot from reading his critiques and advice threads.
I would ask you to critique "The Dragon Down the Hall" in the Mild forum but I was a little disappointed it never got a critique and I started a satirical self-critique so it is not currently presentable.
Anyway, thank you for your very competent assiance in my Coach Milo blurt.
Cheers,
fim

[btrudo]

The original poem was about inspiring fear into someone all in the hopes of making them beasts. And how the narrator's past conditioning allows him to put the Coach's words into perspective. It would nice if people actually examined the poem.

I would recommend reading this aloud...there are parts which don't seem to flow, like:
activities that make more sense

(though it is funny hearing sense and poetry together.)

In the final stanza, you easily could expand the idea past the resident coach, because these coaches (like in football) are all over the place.
when Coach Critic white-outs my poetry.

As for all the talk about discipline...there are a lot of good American football coaches who don't rant and rave at their players and still instill discipline into them.

a few thoughts,
Bill

[fim]

A Tribute to btrudo

Bill offered a dissenting view
from the masters of motley crew
whose whip-cracks enliven the salty air
cleaving flesh from the backs of those who toil there.

Now his words and wisdom has been put to rest.
The line that strikes through his name attests
that his ideas did not conform to those at the helm
so, consequentially, he was banished to a different realm.

A Reflection

Intrigued by my compulsion to express dissention
I ponder why I often feel compelled to mention
Pig Pen moderators seem to offer critiques that repress
creative aspects of my artistic-ness.

You can't argue their points about meter or rhyme
... have to go - breakfast is served!

[billy]

bill bared his ass and said fuck it...we did :J:

the poem at hand...

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style)
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff. a suggest would be lots instead of all sorts.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt, 1 or too many a comma on the previous line would work better.
unless while ridiculing a player the use of unless seems pointless.
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge these words have already been utilized.
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously is so needed?
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

the idea of the poem works, i like poetry about real people. they're a good exercise for writing better poetry. what usually happens is what happened here, the horses of the poem's carriage are allowed to run without any reigns. lots of ing words, lots of repetition regarding intent.
there's a decent root for a decent poem but needs a lot of work edit-wise

[Thoughtjotter]

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style) ( Can you do this? ) ?
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt,
unless while ridiculing a player
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

Is it OK to use those little curved lines ( ( ) ). If so this could clear up probable confusing (stupid) parts of my poems(disambiguation). I believe it could aid all of these great coaches in the development of my raw talent (Potential).
Great poem by the way!

Your most humble Water Boy,
R.T.

[tomoffing]

I have on occasion,
perhaps once or twice,
asked the inimitable hard ass
for constructive advice.

Via private message
he didn't scorn or lambaste,
in fact to be honest
he was actually nice!

But the secret let slip
that behind closed doors
he's much easier going
than on the locker room floor

I've taken a gamble,
I'm rolling the dice
and my pigpen membership
could pay the ultimate price!!


To save mmy head from the guillotine id better talk about the piece too!!

Fim
I think there's a great humourous piece in here about that stereotypical hard ass coach, but you'll need to tighten the meter (well actually have one I think).

Thanks a lot, I really enjoyed this! t

[fim]

I have on occasion,
perhaps once or twice,
asked the inimitable hard ass
for constructive advice.

Via private message
he didn't scorn or lambaste,
in fact to be honest
he was actually nice!

But the secret let slip
that behind closed doors
he's much easier going
than on the locker room floor

I've taken a gamble,
I'm rolling the dice
and my pigpen membership
could pay the ultimate price!!


To save mmy head from the guillotine id better talk about the piece too!!

Fim
I think there's a great humourous piece in here about that stereotypical hard ass coach, but you'll need to tighten the meter (well actually have one I think).

Thanks a lot, I really enjoyed this! t

t,
thanks.
I liked your poem about your private experience with Milo. Yea, I bet he is probably an OK guy.
Cheers!
frank

---

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style) ( Can you do this? ) ?
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt,
unless while ridiculing a player
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

Is it OK to use those little curved lines ( ( ) ). If so this could clear up probable confusing (stupid) parts of my poems(disambiguation). I believe it could aid all of these great coaches in the development of my raw talent (Potential).
Great poem by the way!

Your most humble Water Boy,
R.T.

thanks R.T.
don't know about whether you can use (). Ultimately, I just write poems for fun ... so I don't like getting too wrapped around the axle about what I can and can't do. Having said that, let me contradict myself by saying the reason I post on PigPen is because (1) I like the people I meet here, & (2) I guess deep down inside of me that I want to improve my poetry writing ability.
Thanks again.
frank

---

bill bared his ass and said fuck it...we did :J:

the poem at hand...

Coach Milo
fim 9/6/13

In football (American style)
coaches are quite rough.
They often intimidate initiates
with all sorts of reprehensible stuff. a suggest would be lots instead of all sorts.

Never acknowledging the pain of injury
or the existence of fear or doubt, 1 or too many a comma on the previous line would work better.
unless while ridiculing a player the use of unless seems pointless.
always in a high-decibel shout.

It is a well-established culture
that utilizes the fear they don’t acknowledge these words have already been utilized.
to mold a player into a ferocious entity
designed to cause opponents to shudder.

Pregame directives often included
“Unleash the animal from its cage!”
Hit the opponents so viciously is so needed?
“you change their mind about the game.”

As I grew older I learned to embrace,
activities that make more sense.
I enjoy reading and writing poetry,
to sit back, breathe and reflect.

But I have a new appreciation
for my football experience and its adversity.
The conditioning permits me to realize benefit
when Coach Milo critiques my poetry.

the idea of the poem works, i like poetry about real people. they're a good exercise for writing better poetry. what usually happens is what happened here, the horses of the poem's carriage are allowed to run without any reigns. lots of ing words, lots of repetition regarding intent.
there's a decent root for a decent poem but needs a lot of work edit-wise

billy,
I am glad you are alive and well!
Thanks for noticing I posted a response to a helpful critic.
A lot of good things and a single sad thing keeping me pretty busy in life. My poetry urge will shift from neutral to high gear soon. July 21st my 4th oldest child reports in to the USCGA ... it is a pretty rugged way to earn a college education (and eventually a commission) ... it really pulls on a parents heartstrings ... that's when I start writing poetry pretty feverishly.
Anyway, all of the best!
frank

---

I have on occasion,
perhaps once or twice,
asked the inimitable hard ass
for constructive advice.

Via private message
he didn't scorn or lambaste,
in fact to be honest
he was actually nice!

But the secret let slip
that behind closed doors
he's much easier going
than on the locker room floor

I've taken a gamble,
I'm rolling the dice
and my pigpen membership
could pay the ultimate price!!


To save mmy head from the guillotine id better talk about the piece too!!

Fim
I think there's a great humourous piece in here about that stereotypical hard ass coach, but you'll need to tighten the meter (well actually have one I think).

Thanks a lot, I really enjoyed this! t

t,
good vocabulary (imitable/lambast), much better command of meter than I possess & (most importantly for me) you don't sacrifice message for rhyme or the aforementioned meter.
frank

[billy]

:J:

[ChristopherSea]

:J:

Hey Frank, it took a single poem review after months of absentia to get you back for a second I see. Good. Yes, you may question Coach milo's methodology, but not his record. ...but I said all that already above. He has us in Spring training camp with his NaPM series. Join in on a few if you can. Cheers/Chris