Posts: 40
Threads: 13
Joined: Nov 2013
I am a watcher by the stream,
longing for the cool, clear water to refresh me,
yet I cannot enter, for fear of where it will take me
dissolving my will
losing my status
giving in
to a journey and a path I cannot control.
So many others line the stream,
friends, others I don’t yet know, watch it, mesmerized it seems
by the sound of water and the eternal nature of its path.
Still I stand, now noticing all around me,
all transfixed on its path.
After some time, years or maybe seconds,
I suddenly jump in and find myself taken,
first scared as I am carried without a guide through white waters
in a seemingly uncontrolled ride.
Then suddenly, I am protected,
and the coolness turns to warmth as I enter the river.
And a sense of oneness overcomes me.
I feel the divine as God enters my soul
as a light ravishing me,
I continue to dissolve in His presence,
illuminating cold and empty places I dwelt moments before.
For all is now forgotten as I drift along an ever-slowing river.
Noticing others around me,
a communion of like souls drawn together,
as a salty taste fills the air,
we near the ocean of love.
The ocean where each drop makes it mark,
fills it role,
makes the taste that is God Himself,
as this ocean is His, as we are His.
At last together.
Drifting alongside the souls in the ocean,
Some see each other clearly,
others with a dim light,
some not at all.
Not obscured by murky light,
rather unclear vision
wearing self-made spectacles.
Only God can wash us of our impurities,
filtering us in waves on the seashore,
glistening in a summer sun for a moment
only to return to His ocean of love,
drawn back uncontrollably with beauty.
Here is our resurrection.
Dying you destroyed our death,
rising you restored our life.
We have died (to self) and are restored,
Now, only the soul remains. Peace reigns.
We are complete in Him.
Posts: 70
Threads: 17
Joined: Jan 2013
I'm not sure whether I should be reading this as satire or not (or should be drawing any sexual analogies, for lack of a better term). But even if I've missed something... it's still too abstract (even if your intentions *were* to make it overly whimsical). If I try to remember some of the images you used (for example), all that comes to mind are things like “rivers, eternity, path, beauty”. It's not enough for me. Things are also very predictable; the narrator resists at first, jumps in, and then sees that the water's fine (well, realizes the eternity of things, although I prefer a swimming pool analogy). Anyway, nits:
Quote:I am a watcher by the stream, (My apologies, but the childish part of me thought of the bathroom with repeated mentions of “stream”. Perhaps too much coffee today...)
longing for the cool, clear water to refresh me,
yet I cannot enter, for fear of where it will take me
dissolving my will
losing my status
giving in
to a journey and a path I cannot control.
The “I want to jump in, but I'm afraid” thing is cliché if it isn't elaborated upon. You don't really elaborate (“dissolving my will” isn't enough, and then the narrator jumps in).
So many others line the stream,
friends, others I don’t yet know, watch it, mesmerized it seems
by the sound of water and the eternal nature of its path.
Still I stand, now noticing all around me,
all transfixed on its path.
Repeating “others”, “all”, and “path” isn't helping (the emphasis, if anything, is annoying). And I don't think the words “path” and “eternal” are as powerful as you're giving them credit for.
After some time, years or maybe seconds,
I suddenly jump in and find myself taken,
first scared as I am carried without a guide through white waters
in a seemingly uncontrolled ride.
Then suddenly, I am protected,
and the coolness turns to warmth as I enter the river.
There's no reason for “white”, other than the nod to “white water rafting”, which doesn't work here. The last line brings a good analogy to the feeling one gets when jumping in (say) a cold swimming pool; perhaps something to elaborate on...
And a sense of oneness overcomes me.
I feel the divine as God enters my soul
as a light ravishing me,
I continue to dissolve in His presence,
illuminating cold and empty places I dwelt moments before.
For all is now forgotten as I drift along an ever-slowing river.
Noticing others around me,
a communion of like souls drawn together,
as a salty taste fills the air,
we near the ocean of love.
Please, not “ocean of love”. Way too much love. And don't forget about the sharks...
The ocean where each drop makes it mark,
fills it role, its, and its
makes the taste that is God Himself,
as this ocean is His, as we are His.
Everything filling its role sounds a bit dubious. Very cookie cutter, what's the point if everything just slots in, sort of like a trillion piece jigsaw. Puzzles are fun, but sometimes I'd rather go for monopoly. Anyway... I feel my sarcasm is getting the best of me, so will skip to the end for now...
At last together.
Drifting alongside the souls in the ocean,
Some see each other clearly,
others with a dim light,
some not at all.
Not obscured by murky light,
rather unclear vision
wearing self-made spectacles.
Only God can wash us of our impurities,
filtering us in waves on the seashore,
glistening in a summer sun for a moment
only to return to His ocean of love,
drawn back uncontrollably with beauty.
Here is our resurrection.
Dying you destroyed our death,
rising you restored our life.
We have died (to self) and are restored,
Now, only the soul remains. Peace reigns.
We are complete in Him.
A final nit, your title says Part I, II, and III, but aside from the space after “At last together.”, I'm not sure where to make the divisions. Anyway, hope this wasn't too lengthy (and take it with a grain of salt, I feel obliged to say).
Posts: 40
Threads: 13
Joined: Nov 2013
(03-18-2014, 08:03 AM)PoetryAndPhysics Wrote: I'm not sure whether I should be reading this as satire or not (or should be drawing any sexual analogies, for lack of a better term). But even if I've missed something... it's still too abstract (even if your intentions *were* to make it overly whimsical). If I try to remember some of the images you used (for example), all that comes to mind are things like “rivers, eternity, path, beauty”. It's not enough for me. Things are also very predictable; the narrator resists at first, jumps in, and then sees that the water's fine (well, realizes the eternity of things, although I prefer a swimming pool analogy). Anyway, nits:
Quote:I am a watcher by the stream, (My apologies, but the childish part of me thought of the bathroom with repeated mentions of “stream”. Perhaps too much coffee today...)
longing for the cool, clear water to refresh me,
yet I cannot enter, for fear of where it will take me
dissolving my will
losing my status
giving in
to a journey and a path I cannot control.
The “I want to jump in, but I'm afraid” thing is cliché if it isn't elaborated upon. You don't really elaborate (“dissolving my will” isn't enough, and then the narrator jumps in).
So many others line the stream,
friends, others I don’t yet know, watch it, mesmerized it seems
by the sound of water and the eternal nature of its path.
Still I stand, now noticing all around me,
all transfixed on its path.
Repeating “others”, “all”, and “path” isn't helping (the emphasis, if anything, is annoying). And I don't think the words “path” and “eternal” are as powerful as you're giving them credit for.
After some time, years or maybe seconds,
I suddenly jump in and find myself taken,
first scared as I am carried without a guide through white waters
in a seemingly uncontrolled ride.
Then suddenly, I am protected,
and the coolness turns to warmth as I enter the river.
There's no reason for “white”, other than the nod to “white water rafting”, which doesn't work here. The last line brings a good analogy to the feeling one gets when jumping in (say) a cold swimming pool; perhaps something to elaborate on...
And a sense of oneness overcomes me.
I feel the divine as God enters my soul
as a light ravishing me,
I continue to dissolve in His presence,
illuminating cold and empty places I dwelt moments before.
For all is now forgotten as I drift along an ever-slowing river.
Noticing others around me,
a communion of like souls drawn together,
as a salty taste fills the air,
we near the ocean of love.
Please, not “ocean of love”. Way too much love. And don't forget about the sharks...
The ocean where each drop makes it mark,
fills it role, its, and its
makes the taste that is God Himself,
as this ocean is His, as we are His.
Everything filling its role sounds a bit dubious. Very cookie cutter, what's the point if everything just slots in, sort of like a trillion piece jigsaw. Puzzles are fun, but sometimes I'd rather go for monopoly. Anyway... I feel my sarcasm is getting the best of me, so will skip to the end for now...
At last together.
Drifting alongside the souls in the ocean,
Some see each other clearly,
others with a dim light,
some not at all.
Not obscured by murky light,
rather unclear vision
wearing self-made spectacles.
Only God can wash us of our impurities,
filtering us in waves on the seashore,
glistening in a summer sun for a moment
only to return to His ocean of love,
drawn back uncontrollably with beauty.
Here is our resurrection.
Dying you destroyed our death,
rising you restored our life.
We have died (to self) and are restored,
Now, only the soul remains. Peace reigns.
We are complete in Him.
A final nit, your title says Part I, II, and III, but aside from the space after “At last together.”, I'm not sure where to make the divisions. Anyway, hope this wasn't too lengthy (and take it with a grain of salt, I feel obliged to say).
Interesting comments. This poem is intended to represent the pathway to union with God. Starting with making a move towards Him and then traveling towards an ocean where the union will occur.
I may be way out there.
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