Twice a day

[cidermaid]

Shoulder bag and shoe dragged,
two point two miles – there and back again.
Class segregated by a ten plus one ratio,
colour rejected, sorted by red bricks or whitewash.

The brown eyed, mouse haired crew did not do blond and blue.
The shabby chic hand me downs, did not fit
amid a cat walk of polyester skirts
crisply iron shirts and the new style cuts.

The options were - walk in front, under the burn
of each predator’s turn to glare and torment;
or lag behind in frozen isolation, swallowed
by the creeping fog; the following Black Panther.

A footpath wound through up lit meadows,
but each hesitant step led directly to the dark tree
that creaked with the hanging bough.
Full of silent twigs with claws.

When the herd moves on, the damp drips of mist
soon cover the tracks of a lone beast. As the sunset breeze
moves the leaves and the land breathes out, small sounds
snap in the synapses of the hunter, who becomes the hunted.

[ChristopherSea]

Shoulder bag and shoe dragged,
two point two miles – there and back again.
Class segregated by a ten plus one ratio,
colour rejected, sorted by red bricks or whitewash.

The brown eyed, mouse haired crew did not do blond and blue.
The shabby chic hand me downs, did not fit
amid a cat walk of polyester skirts
crisply iron shirts and the new style cuts.

The options were - walk in front, under the burn
of each predator’s turn to glare and torment;
or lag behind in frozen isolation, swallowed
by the creeping fog; the following Black Panther.

A footpath wound through up lit meadows,
but each hesitant step led directly to the dark tree
that creaked with the hanging bough.
Full of silent twigs with claws.

When the herd moves on, the damp drips of mist
soon cover the tracks of a lone beast. As the sunset breeze
moves the leaves and the land breathes out, small sounds
snap in the synapses of the hunter, who becomes the hunted.

Good Morning AJ,

This sounds like a daily commute of female students lead by a teacher (from the class ratio reference) to the park, past a crew of construction workers on their route perhaps. There are some great lines and images herein. I am not certain of the hunter and hunted theme. Elements are clearly throughout the second half of the poem. I loved the tree claws (I have a similar reference in an Easter poem that I am composing). It could be a generalized fear for an innocent flock of young ladies. The reversal of hunter and hunted makes me feel like they are on a scavenger hunt or a nature collecting trip, but then realize that predators are about. The daily routine throws me a bit, unless it's a tour guides charge. It could be metaphor for walking livestock from barn to pasture daily too. Just wanted to share my experience with you. Thanks for the post and read AJ. I will be curious as to others reaction, as well as the author's reveal, should it come. Cheers/Chris

[cidermaid]

Good Morning AJ,

This sounds like a daily commute of female students lead by a teacher (from the class ratio reference) to the park, past a crew of construction workers on their route perhaps. There are some great lines and images herein. I am not certain of the hunter and hunted theme. Elements are clearly throughout the second half of the poem. I loved the tree claws (I have a similar reference in an Easter poem that I am composing). It could be a generalized fear for an innocent flock of young ladies. The reversal of hunter and hunted makes me feel like they are on a scavenger hunt or a nature collecting trip, but then realize that predators are about. The daily routine throws me a bit, unless it's a tour guides charge. It could be metaphor for walking livestock from barn to pasture daily too. Just wanted to share my experience with you. Thanks for the post and read AJ. I will be curious as to others reaction, as well as the author's reveal, should it come. Cheers/Chris

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your thoughts and comments. I think I might need to do some work on this as I have obviously not got my ideas clearly expressed.
I am thinking I need to include a rural or village image to take this out of the urban setting interpretation.
On looking through this through your eyes I can see where this could be a confused read. Also I changed the title after I had written this and did not edit again so that now I have some redundancies going on such as the twice a day / there and back again. I think I can use that space to better advantage. Close with the class ratio thoughts but again wrong setting. Originally I was thinking of not only the ratio of 10 plus one but also to give an age range indicator. In the UK we used to have an exam between primary and secondary school called the eleven plus... children were given a score that gained access into a (better) grammar school or sent them in the less esteemed comprehensive. It was quite divisive in that it used to divide communities, but perhaps this is has now moved out of common recollections and is too

[ChristopherSea]

Good Morning AJ,

This sounds like a daily commute of female students lead by a teacher (from the class ratio reference) to the park, past a crew of construction workers on their route perhaps. There are some great lines and images herein. I am not certain of the hunter and hunted theme. Elements are clearly throughout the second half of the poem. I loved the tree claws (I have a similar reference in an Easter poem that I am composing). It could be a generalized fear for an innocent flock of young ladies. The reversal of hunter and hunted makes me feel like they are on a scavenger hunt or a nature collecting trip, but then realize that predators are about. The daily routine throws me a bit, unless it's a tour guides charge. It could be metaphor for walking livestock from barn to pasture daily too. Just wanted to share my experience with you. Thanks for the post and read AJ. I will be curious as to others reaction, as well as the author's reveal, should it come. Cheers/Chris

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your thoughts and comments. I think I might need to do some work on this as I have obviously not got my ideas clearly expressed.
I am thinking I need to include a rural or village image to take this out of the urban setting interpretation.
On looking through this through your eyes I can see where this could be a confused read. Also I changed the title after I had written this and did not edit again so that now I have some redundancies going on such as the twice a day / there and back again. I think I can use that space to better advantage. Close with the class ratio thoughts but again wrong setting. Originally I was thinking of not only the ratio of 10 plus one but also to give an age range indicator. In the UK we used to have an exam between primary and secondary school called the eleven plus... children were given a score that gained access into a (better) grammar school or sent them in the less esteemed comprehensive. It was quite divisive in that it used to divide communities, but perhaps this is has now moved out of common recollections and is too

Ah, an extended metaphor for that dreaded mastery exam. We have them here as well. Some entire school systems cheat on scores (especially inner-city ones), so as not to be characterized as inferior centers of learning or having a faculty that is lacking. In your poem then, the higher achievers are your predators and the underachievers are the prey. My read was off, not necessarily your writing. It is a cool poem.

[Keith]

Very much enjoyed this one AJ especially S2 the opening line depicts that reluctant morning start when walking to school, shoe drag says it all. It took me a few reads to get a council house v private house segregation and the black panther ref and colour rejected made me think of other types of segregation, so nice job. The walk home is quite daunting and you have really captured that sudden quiet when you walk at the back or stop for sweets. I did get the 11+ bit but not sure many will, you may have to telegraph comp and grammar . The last stanza would benefit from thinning out a bit as it seems like your trying to hard although the sonics are excellent as is the tension. Other than that I have only more praise for a very enjoyable poem.

PS the herd moves on is an excellent line Best Keith ( a red brick comprehensive kid with can kicked shoes in second hand clothes who always lost site of the herd...and still does.)

[cidermaid]

Thanks for the thoughtful read Keith, somehow you always seem to be able to read what I wanted to be found in a poem...which I think is more down to your reading skill rather than my writing skill...but I will still hover up the feel good of a good job

The reads on this have been really interesting and have given me a lot to think about for an edit. I wrote with a rural setting in mind. Long country lanes - twilight in the winter and the panther* is the bogie man, but it looks like it is translating into an urban picture just as readily. I would like to think this over some more before I do an edit and see if I can tighten it up to read for both views.

* Black panther is something I put in because of a childhood thing we had local to us. Our school bus was run by a family who lived a couple of villages away...the daughter was snatched from the house and held hostage for weeks before being horribly tortured and murdered. The TV named him the Black Panther and suddenly everyone at school was obsessed with locking the house and not being out after dark and he was never caught. I realised it was too abstract and local for the poem, but I kind of liked the twist it gave to the read so it stayed in.

you are such a encouraging person btw ><

[ChristopherSea]

Thanks for the thoughtful read Keith, somehow you always seem to be able to read what I wanted to be found in a poem...which I think is more down to your reading skill rather than my writing skill...but I will still hover up the feel good of a good job

The reads on this have been really interesting and have given me a lot to think about for an edit. I wrote with a rural setting in mind. Long country lanes - twilight in the winter and the panther* is the bogie man, but it looks like it is translating into an urban picture just as readily. I would like to think this over some more before I do an edit and see if I can tighten it up to read for both views.

* Black panther is something I put in because of a childhood thing we had local to us. Our school bus was run by a family who lived a couple of villages away...the daughter was snatched from the house and held hostage for weeks before being horribly tortured and murdered. The TV named him the Black Panther and suddenly everyone at school was obsessed with locking the house and not being out after dark and he was never caught. I realised it was too abstract and local for the poem, but I kind of liked the twist it gave to the read so it stayed in.

you are such a encouraging person btw ><

Oh my god, that blank panther explanation is horrific story! What a thing to experience as a child AJ. That is another poem in itself.

[NobodyNothing]

I'm a little Friday night tired and buzzed, but I wanted to say that I read this one 5-6 times, and enjoyed. I love poems that...what?...do the darkly ominous and foreboding in somewhat "normal" settings. I'm probably off, but that was what I was attracted to in your poem, and certain ways you rendered it.

Anyway...thank you for the read.

God bless.

[pickles]

i really liked it, some nice imagery in there.

fun to hear the author describe what he meant....but i kinda' feel that is redundant since the poem just did that very thing. i prefer reading and letting myself interpret what i just read. i feel it makes it more personal to the reader.

i'm new here and just want to enjoy what everyone is sharing and perhaps some will enjoy what i share.

thanks.

[cidermaid]

Hi NN - no your read of the poem (and Kieth's) is probably the closed to what I had on my mind as I wrote.
Pickles - I actually agree with you about letting the reader find thier own path and story in a poem. I would not normally write a spoiler to a poem, not sure why I did so this time - not that I have actually written the whole story. For me the real story is the character development between the first and the last line. I guess I just found the reader notes very interesting (Chirs's in particular - a million miles from the image I thought I had written, but very valid when I looked at it with fresh eyes) these ideas have sparked a whole new thought process for what I could do with this poem. For which to every one who has contributed / commented - You have my gratitude.

[ChristopherSea]

It is amusing to see how everyone 'gets' the poem once the author has revealed the meaning and their intentions. I truly enjoy taking a stab at a poem first. This poem was a great one to review, after about 20 no-takers. When I am not first, I almost never read what others have posted (as some others do) unless it is a heavily workshopped piece. Then you may want to read what others said to avoid the repetition of editing suggestions.

For my own poetry, I welcome all interpretations and it does not bother me at all if the reader sees the piece in another way. In fact, I get very excited when someone reveals something that I never intended. I will then reread the poem throught the reader's lens and say, 'Oh yes,I can see that' (just as you did AJ). This happens a lot with artwork. Individuals will tell my about some hidden figure in one of my watercolors (like there's a face in that stream). Once I see it, it becomes part of the painting for me. I love it!

One time my cat Fuzzy stepped into some titanium white and dabbed a few highlights into a impressionistic floral piece. I swear that I never noticed it until my wife pointed it out. Now that we lost him, it is the first thing that I point out to guests. It is beautiful to know that we painted together. OK, I am babbling now, bye.