Snake Oil

[addy]

Why settle for less
for flesh
when you can have
soap, oil
pomegranate bath
with smooth
long hair
clean pores
thin thighs
at such little cost
just a taste
just a bite?
Rejuvenate
with a touch
to bleach your skin
and flay your fat
to perfect fit
flawless tone
no beast can match.
Let the sickly bloom
hide
until time
age
and your own mud
cannot reach you,
and your bones
aren't yours,
and you're grandly
painfully free
at last


=========

Help much appreciated

[billy]

Why settle for less
for flesh
i know you asking ------------- is this line needed?
when you can have
soap, oil
or pomegranate bath ------------- would or help the flow?
with smooth
long hair -----------would it read better as smooth long hair on one line
clean pores
thin thighs
at such little cost -------at little extra cost
just a taste
just a bite? --------------is the second just justified ?"
Rejuvenate
with a touch
to bleach your skin
and flay your fat
to perfect fit
flawless tone ------------- would that at the start of the sentence help the flow?
no beast can match.
Let the sickly bloom
hide
until time
age ------------------ the enjambment doesn't feel right on these 3 line for me
and your own mud
cannot reach you,
and your bones
aren't yours,
and you're grandly
painfully free
at last


=========

Help much appreciated

would L1, 2, read better as;
why let the flesh
settle for less?

would this section flow better re the enjambment i mentioned above? :

hide until time
age
and your own mud
cannot reach you,
til your bones
aren't yours,
when you're grandly
painfully free
at last

not sure if it helps lol.
jmo addy.

i get a feel of being tied to what the world or society and mainly the ads con us into thinking we need this and that to not only look good, respectable etc, but to actually survive in this shallow world.
i don't think it needs much of an edit. and i love that it's got an original take on the ad world. (to some extent lol)

i loved the last three lines. though i know some who ask are they needed? (i think they add so for me they are)

thanks for the read addy
always good to see you posting

[addy]

Thanks for the comments billy All very helpful, especially your suggestion for rewriting line 1 and 2... looked, much, much better!

[heslopian]

I enjoy poems like this, with very short lines that descend like a stream of water. However, I think they work better without any punctuation at all. Commas and full stops interrupt the flow, lessening the manic intensity which makes this sort of piece. I'd recommend ditching them, even the question mark. I think billy's cleared everything else up.
Great poem, addy, angry and scary and true.