Last Orders

[tomoffing]

Edit 1

Bare curled toes,
primed and eager for dance,
lift me from the picnic table
across warm cobblestones
to the back-bar hatch.
Adam stops, mid-flow,
and nods to acknowledge
my need for another.
"I'll get that one brother."
he offers, pouring and presenting
a tall blonde pale ale;
I lip-smack and sup
tart effervescent
liquid presence.

Tautened hamstrings,
numb from shifting
while waiting,
haul concrete feet
past walls of warnings
into the windowless office
of someone stranger MD.
They close a jaundiced folder
meet my pleading eyes
with cold compassion
and deliver their diagnosis;
"Cirrhosis of the liver."
I blink. Then shiver.

Lead-lined lids shut
on senses dulled by a draft
seeping through my shoulder
inducing staged sleep
in a two-bed theatre
of clicks, pumps, beeps
and a blinding light,
where twelve custodians of life
incise and harvest
a cadaveric saviour
to sow their presence within me;
humanity transplanted,
amnesty granted.


Original

Bare tapping toes
curled and eager for dance
spring me from the picnic table
across the warm shadow-slatted
beer-garden cobblestones
through rambunctiousness
to the back-bar hatch
where Adam or Ben provide
another blood-brown ale;
tart effervescent
liquid presence.

Tautened hamstrings
numbed by a bucket-seat
haul concrete feet
past walls of warnings
into the windowless office
where someone stranger MD
closes a yellowish folder
pockets a pen
and pronounces the diagnosis;
cirrhosis of the liver,
I blink then shiver.

Lead-lined lids shut
on senses dulled by a draft
seeping through my shoulder
inducing staged sleep in a room
of clicks, pumps, beeps
and blinding light
where twelve incise and reveal
to harvest a saviour
and sow then stitch
their presence within me;
amnesty granted,
humanity transplanted

[Erthona]

This is a bit... chilling!

This line caused me trouble "where twelve incise and reveal", should it be where where twelve blinding lights incise and reveal?"

Or did you mean it to say something different? If so, "twelve" what?

Dale

[jeremyyoung]

I read this this morning, and have been thinking about it, on and off, all day.

It is very visual, it could almost be a film. Certainly the first verse could be an advert for beer - cheeky chappy in sandals, makes his way through the merry throng, to the back bar, where he is served by a woman a smiling woman with cleavage, sips the beer being advertised, before the matey shot at the end.... and the caption.

When I first read it, this section....
"Tautened hamstrings
numbed by a bucket-seat
haul concrete feet
past walls of warnings
into the windowless office
where someone stranger MD"

Had me wondering why suddenly cheery chap from last night was now operating a wrecking ball machine and smashing down a building with his boss in, and why the boss had ignored the warning sign, and just how strong was that brown ale?

And then it struck me that the poem is an advert of sorts a public information film - and like all such films you have the three parts, the carefree bit, then the specific warning of the film, and then the warning of death.

It's very visual - ignoring my misunderstanding with the wrecking ball, I was thinking it was going in a different direction - it could almost be the pitch.

[71degrees]

Bare tapping toes
curled and eager for dance
spring me from the picnic table
across the warm shadow-slatted
beer-garden cobblestones
through rambunctiousness
to the back-bar hatch
where Adam or Ben provide
another blood-brown ale;
tart effervescent
liquid presence.

Tautened hamstrings
numbed by a bucket-seat
haul concrete feet
past walls of warnings
into the windowless office
where someone stranger MD
closes a yellowish folder
pockets a pen
and pronounces the diagnosis;
cirrhosis of the liver,
I blink then shiver.

Lead-lined lids shut
on senses dulled by a draft
seeping through my shoulder
inducing staged sleep in a room
of clicks, pumps, beeps
and blinding light
where twelve incise and reveal
to harvest a saviour
and sow then stitch
their presence within me;
amnesty granted,
humanity transplanted

[MadisonDiem]

Bare tapping toes
curled and eager for dance
spring me from the picnic table
across the warm shadow-slatted
beer-garden cobblestones
through rambunctiousness
to the back-bar hatch
where Adam or Ben provide
another blood-brown ale;
tart effervescent
liquid presence.

[[I'm not sure I like the hyphenated descriptions you have going on here.. they seem to be trying too hard. Blood-brown ale? Is ale bloody or red? Have I been drinking the wrong ale? I do see how that ties in with the ending, but it seems strange.
I also think some differing punctuation or beginning of line capitalization would improve the intended flow and give it more sense.. I had to read through a couple times to find the pauses you (probably) intended..]]

Tautened hamstrings
numbed by a bucket-seat (again, I don't like this)
haul concrete feet (I do like this image, though)
past walls of warnings
into the windowless office
where someone stranger MD (someone stranger MD? Grammar?)
closes a yellowish folder
pockets a pen (these last two lines don't do much for me, they're filler)
and pronounces the diagnosis;
cirrhosis of the liver,
I blink then shiver. (these last two lines might be better with a comma after 'blink')

Lead-lined lids shut
on senses dulled by a draft (Ooh, I like the paralled of a medicinal draft with a beer)
seeping through my shoulder
inducing staged sleep in a room
of clicks, pumps, beeps
and blinding light
where twelve incise and reveal (I don't get this.)
to harvest a saviour (or this)
and sow then stitch (or this)
their presence within me;
amnesty granted,
humanity transplanted (this clarifies the last, but not the twelve)

I like some of the images you used in here; some are more effective than others. I did get most of the meaning of the poem after a few reads, but the last stanza still confuses. Don't try to be confusing or unclear for poetry's sake - sometimes your ideas come through, but don't purposefully try to make the meaning obscure just because you can. Besides that, it seems like a series of run-on sentences without intonation or pause. I would work on the pacing.

[71degrees]

Bare tapping toes
curled and eager for dance
spring me from the picnic table
across the warm shadow-slatted
beer-garden cobblestones
through rambunctiousness
to the back-bar hatch
where Adam or Ben provide
another blood-brown ale;
tart effervescent
liquid presence.

Tautened hamstrings
numbed by a bucket-seat
haul concrete feet
past walls of warnings
into the windowless office
where someone stranger MD
closes a yellowish folder
pockets a pen
and pronounces the diagnosis;
cirrhosis of the liver,
I blink then shiver.

Lead-lined lids shut
on senses dulled by a draft
seeping through my shoulder
inducing staged sleep in a room
of clicks, pumps, beeps
and blinding light
where twelve incise and reveal
to harvest a saviour
and sow then stitch
their presence within me;
amnesty granted,
humanity transplanted

Liver transplant? Maybe I'm taking this too literally. Almost sounds like the narrator is moving from tavern floor to operating room floor. And doing it quite visually I may add. Wouldn't mind seeing a bit more at the beginning to let us in as to the extent of damage...basically we get one word: cirrhosis, but that doesn't come until the second stanza. To someone who's been there, maybe that's enough damage. It's okay if I don't know who Adam and Ben are but it might help set the table, so to speak, if we are introduced more to who they are...anything to flush out the first stanza and let me who what's afoot.

All the language is in place: (e.g. tautened, numbed, windowless, etc. all the way to amnesty (a great word choice here)). "Humanity" is an interesting word to use, but assuming the transplant theme is correct, maybe it's the right choice. I like it, I'm just thinking about it...to me that's a good poem when it makes me think. Methinks there is much more of the human condition to this episode. Would like to see more of it.

[tomoffing]

Thanks all,
I cut this back from a longer piece to this structure. I intended the single sentence stanzas to heighten the immediacy of the scenes and focus the links between them.
Obviously cut too far.

I'll look at expanding again to clarify this.

thanks again t

[tomoffing]

Thanks again for input folks. I think I've addressed some of the issues.