Waiting for Spring

[71degrees]

Waiting for Spring

Across the snow marshes
behind my home, soft clouds
gray and fuzzy, blue illusions
structure the edges as a lone hawk
dips and circles its mating dance

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, whirling and turning
northern expectations like March kites—
it’s about all that rational humans
can stand as we wait patiently
for grasshopper men to drive through
the warm blades of summer

The sun sets stronger, reining
over a weakening, bleak wind;
geese are reappearing in sky V’s;
first it was snowing, and now it’s not—
yet, I can’t find the moment it stopped

[ChristopherSea]

Hi 71,
I like this winter landscape, but my skin is itching for spring as well. Your opening stanza was very reminiscent of a watercolor snow-scape painted wet-on-wet. I would select a dilute payne's gray and cerulean hue to match your palette and atmosphere. Once dry, your hawk would be sharply rendered in dry-brush. The result would be just as you described.

Those grasshopper men were a delight, as were the kites. Don’t you want the sun ‘reigning’ over the wind? I not certain if you wish the sun to ‘rule the wind’ or ‘rein it in’, but that could be my problem.

[jeremyyoung]

The poem has a nice feel of the Spring awakening, with the birds and animals chivvying winter away. The poem is almost the new year yawning, rubbing it's eyes, and looking around.

I wonder about of the first stanza, it's nice how the images run into each other, and match the description, but there is something about the word 'illusions'.... at first I thought it was 'fuzzy' that bothered me.... and maybe it is the 'z's of 'fuzzy', 'illusions' and 'edges' and I am just picking on the middle child. Of course it could just me a matter of accent.

The system section is very good, especially the use of the word 'kite' to reflect the hawk from earlier. I was a bit lost by the use of 'grasshopper men'.

The last stanza is the strongest. The setting sun growing stronger, it reining in the wind - very good. Would prefer 'V's of geese', more descriptive. I like the jolt of the word 'find' instead of recall/remember etc, it nicely emphasises the active search for spring occurring.

[cidermaid]

Hi 71 degrees,
I love watching for spring and your poem delivers plenty of images, but I did find there were a couple issues that made me pause in the read.
Some comments below.

Waiting for Spring

Across the snow marshes This is nice, but the idea of snow marshes keeps tripping me up. Snowy marshes / snow clad marshes /snow encrusted marshes...but a marsh is a wet habitation and snow marshes just sends me off thinking about what a snow marsh would be. Sorry i know this is pedantic but this is a problem for me.
behind my home, soft clouds
gray and fuzzy, blue illusions I share some of the previous comments about fuzzy. It seems the wrong image - too child like and weak. (Might as well described them as fluffy ).
structure the edges as a lone hawk
dips and circles its mating dance. Hmm a lone hawk in a mating dance...so he's just flying around by himself then? Think this image might need a bit of sorting out. It is such a strong mental image if anyone has ever watched the mating dance of any of the hawks and other birds that put a display on...but the stronger image is when two birds lock together in a display flight. We have the raven just on the warm up act above the farm and also the buzzards. Your lines feel a bit insiped here. But I love that you have included the description.

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, whirling and turning Yep get the image and the thought but the actual impact of the lines feels like a filler and is not saying much to me beyond what I have already got from the title and the descriptions of spring in the first stanza
northern expectations like March kites—
it’s about all that rational humans You completly lost my interest in this line and the next. I'm wanting to feast on images of winter / spring transition. This just felt like an ugly interuption and did not work for me. Other's might feel / read differently. You had an image when you wrote this and this obviously spoke to you. Just offering my view as a reader - These lines did not do anything to enhance my read.
can stand as we wait patiently
for grasshopper men to drive through I got an image of a birds eye view of looking down on the grass fields and the effect of distance on the objects - so I liked grasshopper men / warm blades.
the warm blades of summer Much of this stanza left me cold, although it carries plenty of meaning.

The sun sets stronger, reining
over a weakening, bleak wind;
geese are reappearing in sky V’s; this line feels clunky - perhaps v's of geese are reappearing.
first it was snowing, and now it’s not—
yet, I can’t find the moment it stopped I like these two lines and feel that this stanza was the strongest.

Hope these comments might be of help. Overall i liked the poem.
All the best AJ

[71degrees]

Hi 71,
I like this winter landscape, but my skin is itching for spring as well. Your opening stanza was very reminiscent of a watercolor snow-scape painted wet-on-wet. I would select a dilute payne's gray and cerulean hue to match your palette and atmosphere. Once dry, your hawk would be sharply rendered in dry-brush. The result would be just as you described.

Those grasshopper men were a delight, as were the kites. Don’t you want the sun ‘reigning’ over the wind? I not certain if you wish the sun to ‘rule the wind’ or ‘rein it in’, but that could be my problem.

rain / rein / reign Trying to get them all in. May be too much. The beginning isn't really a winter landscape, it's a winter landscape that is changing to WET due to four feet of snow being turned into mush by the first 40 degree day since before Xmas. Don't want anything to do with dry. Thanks for the read.

---

The poem has a nice feel of the Spring awakening, with the birds and animals chivvying winter away. The poem is almost the new year yawning, rubbing it's eyes, and looking around.

I wonder about of the first stanza, it's nice how the images run into each other, and match the description, but there is something about the word 'illusions'.... at first I thought it was 'fuzzy' that bothered me.... and maybe it is the 'z's of 'fuzzy', 'illusions' and 'edges' and I am just picking on the middle child. Of course it could just me a matter of accent.

The system section is very good, especially the use of the word 'kite' to reflect the hawk from earlier. I was a bit lost by the use of 'grasshopper men'.

The last stanza is the strongest. The setting sun growing stronger, it reining in the wind - very good. Would prefer 'V's of geese', more descriptive. I like the jolt of the word 'find' instead of recall/remember etc, it nicely emphasises the active search for spring occurring.

The field behind the house turns into an army of grasshoppers in the summer, hence the "grasshopper men"....This has been a difficult year (mountains of snow, winter since November, 45 total days of below zero temps)....Thanks for your positive comments. I will revisit the language in the first stanza.

[jeremyyoung]

so grashopper men is a play on army men?

[71degrees]

Hi 71 degrees,
I love watching for spring and your poem delivers plenty of images, but I did find there were a couple issues that made me pause in the read.
Some comments below.

Waiting for Spring

Across the snow marshes This is nice, but the idea of snow marshes keeps tripping me up. Snowy marshes / snow clad marshes /snow encrusted marshes...but a marsh is a wet habitation and snow marshes just sends me off thinking about what a snow marsh would be. Sorry i know this is pedantic but this is a problem for me.
behind my home, soft clouds
gray and fuzzy, blue illusions I share some of the previous comments about fuzzy. It seems the wrong image - too child like and weak. (Might as well described them as fluffy ).
structure the edges as a lone hawk
dips and circles its mating dance. Hmm a lone hawk in a mating dance...so he's just flying around by himself then? Think this image might need a bit of sorting out. It is such a strong mental image if anyone has ever watched the mating dance of any of the hawks and other birds that put a display on...but the stronger image is when two birds lock together in a display flight. We have the raven just on the warm up act above the farm and also the buzzards. Your lines feel a bit insiped here. But I love that you have included the description.

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, whirling and turning Yep get the image and the thought but the actual impact of the lines feels like a filler and is not saying much to me beyond what I have already got from the title and the descriptions of spring in the first stanza
northern expectations like March kites—
it’s about all that rational humans You completly lost my interest in this line and the next. I'm wanting to feast on images of winter / spring transition. This just felt like an ugly interuption and did not work for me. Other's might feel / read differently. You had an image when you wrote this and this obviously spoke to you. Just offering my view as a reader - These lines did not do anything to enhance my read.
can stand as we wait patiently
for grasshopper men to drive through I got an image of a birds eye view of looking down on the grass fields and the effect of distance on the objects - so I liked grasshopper men / warm blades.
the warm blades of summer Much of this stanza left me cold, although it carries plenty of meaning.

The sun sets stronger, reining
over a weakening, bleak wind;
geese are reappearing in sky V’s; this line feels clunky - perhaps v's of geese are reappearing.
first it was snowing, and now it’s not—
yet, I can’t find the moment it stopped I like these two lines and feel that this stanza was the strongest.

Hope these comments might be of help. Overall i liked the poem.
All the best AJ

Much to discern here. You have no idea how much this kind of critique helps me. Appreciate it. 100% negative critiques are pointless and a complete waste of time for both parties.

One point: Hawks "dance" solo to attract mates. They are not ravens. The image is on purpose to match the narrator's sense of being alone during this slow change (see my above comments to Jeremy). I'm encouraged by your sense of "coldness"....That's what I want. We are almost in a state of weather purgatory here as we wait for winter to release its grip. Again, my thanks for both your time and your interest in writing.

---

so grashopper men is a play on army men?

Sort of. It may be colloquial....often times the hordes of grasshoppers around here are referred to as an "army"....also, I played w/the green army men a lot when I was a kid. Maybe the image just stuck w/me.

[ChristopherSea]

Hi 71,
I like this winter landscape, but my skin is itching for spring as well. Your opening stanza was very reminiscent of a watercolor snow-scape painted wet-on-wet. I would select a dilute payne's gray and cerulean hue to match your palette and atmosphere. Once dry, your hawk would be sharply rendered in dry-brush. The result would be just as you described.

Those grasshopper men were a delight, as were the kites. Don’t you want the sun ‘reigning’ over the wind? I not certain if you wish the sun to ‘rule the wind’ or ‘rein it in’, but that could be my problem.

rain / rein / reign Trying to get them all in. May be too much. The beginning isn't really a winter landscape, it's a winter landscape that is changing to WET due to four feet of snow being turned into mush by the first 40 degree day since before Xmas. Don't want anything to do with dry. Thanks for the read.

---

The poem has a nice feel of the Spring awakening, with the birds and animals chivvying winter away. The poem is almost the new year yawning, rubbing it's eyes, and looking around.

I wonder about of the first stanza, it's nice how the images run into each other, and match the description, but there is something about the word 'illusions'.... at first I thought it was 'fuzzy' that bothered me.... and maybe it is the 'z's of 'fuzzy', 'illusions' and 'edges' and I am just picking on the middle child. Of course it could just me a matter of accent.

The system section is very good, especially the use of the word 'kite' to reflect the hawk from earlier. I was a bit lost by the use of 'grasshopper men'.

The last stanza is the strongest. The setting sun growing stronger, it reining in the wind - very good. Would prefer 'V's of geese', more descriptive. I like the jolt of the word 'find' instead of recall/remember etc, it nicely emphasises the active search for spring occurring.

The field behind the house turns into an army of grasshoppers in the summer, hence the "grasshopper men"....This has been a difficult year (mountains of snow, winter since November, 45 total days of below zero temps)....Thanks for your positive comments. I will revisit the language in the first stanza.

Yes, we have the exact weather conditions that you describe in the Northeast. By dry, I was referring to the watercolor painting that you conjured up in my mind, not your climate condition. To explain myself a bit more clearly, when painting wet-on-wet, one gets that fuzzy look that you are alluding to. Adding dilute gray to clear water yields a dirty snow-like effect on white cotton rag paper. Drop in a bit of blue and it takes on the quality of old compacting snow. Cerulean hue above will produce a foggy blue sky and if you back run the wash into the snow line, you can achieve a hazy interface as if the ground is cold and the air is warm. If you want an edge on that hawk, one has to let the painting completely dry before you paint in the bird.

[71degrees]

Hi 71,
I like this winter landscape, but my skin is itching for spring as well. Your opening stanza was very reminiscent of a watercolor snow-scape painted wet-on-wet. I would select a dilute payne's gray and cerulean hue to match your palette and atmosphere. Once dry, your hawk would be sharply rendered in dry-brush. The result would be just as you described.

Those grasshopper men were a delight, as were the kites. Don’t you want the sun ‘reigning’ over the wind? I not certain if you wish the sun to ‘rule the wind’ or ‘rein it in’, but that could be my problem.

rain / rein / reign Trying to get them all in. May be too much. The beginning isn't really a winter landscape, it's a winter landscape that is changing to WET due to four feet of snow being turned into mush by the first 40 degree day since before Xmas. Don't want anything to do with dry. Thanks for the read.

---

The poem has a nice feel of the Spring awakening, with the birds and animals chivvying winter away. The poem is almost the new year yawning, rubbing it's eyes, and looking around.

I wonder about of the first stanza, it's nice how the images run into each other, and match the description, but there is something about the word 'illusions'.... at first I thought it was 'fuzzy' that bothered me.... and maybe it is the 'z's of 'fuzzy', 'illusions' and 'edges' and I am just picking on the middle child. Of course it could just me a matter of accent.

The system section is very good, especially the use of the word 'kite' to reflect the hawk from earlier. I was a bit lost by the use of 'grasshopper men'.

The last stanza is the strongest. The setting sun growing stronger, it reining in the wind - very good. Would prefer 'V's of geese', more descriptive. I like the jolt of the word 'find' instead of recall/remember etc, it nicely emphasises the active search for spring occurring.

The field behind the house turns into an army of grasshoppers in the summer, hence the "grasshopper men"....This has been a difficult year (mountains of snow, winter since November, 45 total days of below zero temps)....Thanks for your positive comments. I will revisit the language in the first stanza.

Yes, we have the exact weather conditions that you describe in the Northeast. By dry, I was referring to the watercolor painting that you conjured up in my mind, not your climate condition. To explain myself a bit more clearly, when painting wet-on-wet, one gets that fuzzy look that you are alluding to. Adding dilute gray to clear water yields a dirty snow-like effect on white cotton rag paper. Drop in a bit of blue and it takes on the quality of old compacting snow. Cerulean hue above will produce a foggy blue sky and if you back run the wash into the snow line, you can achieve a hazy interface as if the ground is cold and the air is warm. If you want an edge on that hawk, one has to let the painting completely dry before you paint in the bird.

Not being a painter, but one who appreciates it, this is interesting stuff. Though not my intention, glad my scene made you think in these terms. The "edge" is not really on the hawk, but on the field. It is brought into play b/c of the "fuzzy, blue illusions" that can be seen, almost an aura, I'm assuming caused by sunlight, above the snow drifts. I took a really good look again today, and, yes, it does look like a painting…maybe more photogenic (that "fuzzy" word again…I obviously need to rework/reword that image). Again, thanks for the clarification.

[cidermaid]

Much to discern here. You have no idea how much this kind of critique helps me. Appreciate it. 100% negative critiques are pointless and a complete waste of time for both parties.

One point: Hawks "dance" solo to attract mates. They are not ravens. The Image is on purpose to match the narrator's sense of being alone during this slow change (see my above comments to Jeremy). I'm encouraged by your sense of "coldness"....That's what I want. We are almost in a state of weather purgatory here as we wait for winter to release its grip. Again, my thanks for both your time and your interest in writing.

---

Hello again
Whilst I do generally try to offer encouragement, I perhaps need to clarify what I wrote, as you appear to have misunderstood or misinterpreted the feedback I offered. (You should note that I consider this to be my fault in that I have obviously failed to communicate the right message...rather than this being a fault in your camp to understand what I have written

So specifically to this poem and the feedback I offered, I was mentioning the aspect of the image as it spoke to me through the poem. I.e. what I picked up and what the poem spoke to me. As I said at the beginning the poem appealed to me, but because of a couple of the lines and images it was inaccessible to me.
In the case of the Hawk. We have hawks, buzzards and Ravens in Devon, UK, all of which undertake a mating display flight. Some of these fly solo, but with an audience. Thus it is not the sight of a lone bird in the sky...there is a second bird watching even if this is at a distance or from a tree. A lone bird without an audience is just a bird flying around by itself. In Devon we have many birds that have display flights, various hawks amongst these, that I am quite familiar with the habits of. (Of these I mentioned the Ravens and the Buzzards who mate for life and do a bonding flight together that is a very powerful image of spring for me - hence why I mentioned them in my feedback). The wording of your poem only suggested to me a lone bird flying as opposed to a spring time ritual / mating flight. I don't need to be familiar with what the local birds do near you. If you want the poem to be relatable it has to have a clear image; my critique was to the effect that, for this reader, the image was not quite working with what was supplied in the poem. So I didn't particularly appreciate your need to correct my lack of understanding or knowledge of wildlife behaviour.
As a Mod and on behalf of the others that have come under your inflexible attitude towards receiving feedback, I would add that your comment was un-necessary to the thread and showed a lack of grace or appreciation to those who give up their time for the benefit of others.

The other area that I feel you misunderstood was my comment on being left cold. I did not mean that I had taken an aspect or emotional response for coldness from the poem I rather mean that it had left me emotionless and had not impacted on me. I do not say this to be negative, but the time I took to write my thoughts out will not be of any benefit if they are misconstrued into something other than what I wrote. It was an opinion and nothing more. Just one person offering what they had taken from the words that had been placed into the public domain for consideration.

This is a polite suggestion for a bit of reflection from a Mod: I am generally considered the warm and fluffy Mod... I am new(ish) to poetry and have yet to think highly enough of myself to acquire an ego worth talking about... if your attitude has managed to ruffle my feathers, then I would imagine that you will be rapidly decreasing the list of people willing to take the time to offer you feedback with your current approach to receiving feedback.
There is nothing wrong per sae with offering an explanation on a line or even a whole poem, if life is getting confused between what is trying to be expressed and what is being read. I think this is a valid part of the feedback process; but nobody wants to be told they have read it wrong because the author says it must be read in a set way. That would seem to be the antithesis of true poetry.
This is a fun site... there is plenty of opportunity for handbags and rattle throwing, but within this everyone tries to play nice and be considerate to each other. A decent line by line crit might take as much as half an hour to put together. Life is too short to want to do this if the recipient is then ignorant with you. This is all said as just some friendly observations and advice from someone who is trying to help.


AJ.

[71degrees]

Much to discern here. You have no idea how much this kind of critique helps me. Appreciate it. 100% negative critiques are pointless and a complete waste of time for both parties.

One point: Hawks "dance" solo to attract mates. They are not ravens. The Image is on purpose to match the narrator's sense of being alone during this slow change (see my above comments to Jeremy). I'm encouraged by your sense of "coldness"....That's what I want. We are almost in a state of weather purgatory here as we wait for winter to release its grip. Again, my thanks for both your time and your interest in writing.

---

Hello again
Whilst I do generally try to offer encouragement, I perhaps need to clarify what I wrote, as you appear to have misunderstood or misinterpreted the feedback I offered. (You should note that I consider this to be my fault in that I have obviously failed to communicate the right message...rather than this being a fault in your camp to understand what I have written

So specifically to this poem and the feedback I offered, I was mentioning the aspect of the image as it spoke to me through the poem. I.e. what I picked up and what the poem spoke to me. As I said at the beginning the poem appealed to me, but because of a couple of the lines and images it was inaccessible to me.
In the case of the Hawk. We have hawks, buzzards and Ravens in Devon, UK, all of which undertake a mating display flight. Some of these fly solo, but with an audience. Thus it is not the sight of a lone bird in the sky...there is a second bird watching even if this is at a distance or from a tree. A lone bird without an audience is just a bird flying around by itself. In Devon we have many birds that have display flights, various hawks amongst these, that I am quite familiar with the habits of. (Of these I mentioned the Ravens and the Buzzards who mate for life and do a bonding flight together that is a very powerful image of spring for me - hence why I mentioned them in my feedback). The wording of your poem only suggested to me a lone bird flying as opposed to a spring time ritual / mating flight. I don't need to be familiar with what the local birds do near you. If you want the poem to be relatable it has to have a clear image; my critique was to the effect that, for this reader, the image was not quite working with what was supplied in the poem. So I didn't particularly appreciate your need to correct my lack of understanding or knowledge of wildlife behaviour.
As a Mod and on behalf of the others that have come under your inflexible attitude towards receiving feedback, I would add that your comment was un-necessary to the thread and showed a lack of grace or appreciation to those who give up their time for the benefit of others.

The other area that I feel you misunderstood was my comment on being left cold. I did not mean that I had taken an aspect or emotional response for coldness from the poem I rather mean that it had left me emotionless and had not impacted on me. I do not say this to be negative, but the time I took to write my thoughts out will not be of any benefit if they are misconstrued into something other than what I wrote. It was an opinion and nothing more. Just one person offering what they had taken from the words that had been placed into the public domain for consideration.

This is a polite suggestion for a bit of reflection from a Mod: I am generally considered the warm and fluffy Mod... I am new(ish) to poetry and have yet to think highly enough of myself to acquire an ego worth talking about... if your attitude has managed to ruffle my feathers, then I would imagine that you will be rapidly decreasing the list of people willing to take the time to offer you feedback with your current approach to receiving feedback.
There is nothing wrong per sae with offering an explanation on a line or even a whole poem, if life is getting confused between what is trying to be expressed and what is being read. I think this is a valid part of the feedback process; but nobody wants to be told they have read it wrong because the author says it must be read in a set way. That would seem to be the antithesis of true poetry.
This is a fun site... there is plenty of opportunity for handbags and rattle throwing, but within this everyone tries to play nice and be considerate to each other. A decent line by line crit might take as much as half an hour to put together. Life is too short to want to do this if the recipient is then ignorant with you. This is all said as just some friendly observations and advice from someone who is trying to help.


AJ.

I didn't misunderstand. You said the poem was inaccessible to you for these reasons and then you gave me a nice critique pointing out these reasons. I thanked you for your time and your attention to writing.

As for the hawk, you want something in the poem that is not there (e.g. "....but the stronger image is when two birds lock together in a display flight."). Now this might be true if you were writing the poem, but I wanted to be sure you understood the image you suggest just won't work in this poem. The poem is not about spring. It is about the time waiting for spring. Just as the hawk dances alone before the mate. I apologize if I offended you. Sometimes I critique the critique when I feel the writer doesn't understand intent. I'll stick to my original response: "You have no idea how much this kind of critique helps me. Appreciate it." B/c I do.

[John Galt]

Waiting for Spring

Across the snow marshes
behind my home, soft clouds
gray and fuzzy, blue illusions
structure the edges as a lone hawk
dips and circles its mating dance

I like the use of "across" rather than "above" it lends a sense of perspective to the scene.
The modifier "soft" does not fit for me with "gray and fuzzy" If I had to associate it with a colour it would be white in the context it is used.
It is hard to think what "structured edges" to a cloud are, by their very nature I see them as the opposite.

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, whirling and turning
northern expectations like March kites—
it’s about all that rational humans
can stand as we wait patiently
for grasshopper men to drive through
the warm blades of summer

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, Time is an illusion of humans in this context I always think.

The sun sets stronger, reining
over a weakening, bleak wind;
geese are reappearing in sky V’s;
first it was snowing, and now it’s not—
yet, I can’t find the moment it stopped

The modifier "bleak" seems superfluous.
Sky V's is cliche or this reader.

Thank you 71 degrees. JG

[71degrees]

Waiting for Spring

Across the snow marshes
behind my home, soft clouds
gray and fuzzy, blue illusions
structure the edges as a lone hawk
dips and circles its mating dance

I like the use of "across" rather than "above" it lends a sense of perspective to the scene.
The modifier "soft" does not fit for me with "gray and fuzzy" If I had to associate it with a colour it would be white in the context it is used.
It is hard to think what "structured edges" to a cloud are, by their very nature I see them as the opposite.

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, whirling and turning
northern expectations like March kites—
it’s about all that rational humans
can stand as we wait patiently
for grasshopper men to drive through
the warm blades of summer

Ah, this slow pace system
of systems, Time is an illusion of humans in this context I always think.

The sun sets stronger, reining
over a weakening, bleak wind;
geese are reappearing in sky V’s;
first it was snowing, and now it’s not—
yet, I can’t find the moment it stopped

The modifier "bleak" seems superfluous.
Sky V's is cliche or this reader.

Thank you 71 degrees. JG

No, thank you, JG. Appreciate the response and suggestions. I need some work on the line breaks in stanza one…it's the snow marshes w/edges, not the clouds, and I think that seems to be confusing some folks. You are not the first to allude to this image (edges referring to the clouds) so it obviously needs some clarification. I see this scene every morning looking out into the field marsh behind my house and it has become something of a "melting" portrait/painting due to the long, extended winter here. The edges refer to what I can see (which would be the width of my window from my seat. Sometimes, when the sun is just right, the clouds seem to be right on top of the snow, which is pretty much impossible since the snow back there is only six or seven feet high w/the drifts. Anyway, I digress. Again, thanks. And welcome.