Virgin (content warning )

[Loveblind]

Not my best, but i was experimenting

Slowly you lay my body
on the silky sheets
the lights dimmed low
the voice of marvin gaye
echoing throughout the room

candles surrounding our bodies
fear in my eyes, as my body trembled
self conscious about my bare body
but, you reassured me it was alright
passionately you caressed my breast

strawberry dipped in chocolate in my mouth
and you, sucked my inner thighs
then worked your way inside me with your tongue
I continued to tremble

uncontrollably I began to sweat
And hold back the tears
as you entered inside me deeply
I tried to let my mind wander
forget about the harsh pain
I felt in my stomach
all because I love you ♥

[billy]

Not my best, but i was experimenting (never say that, let the reader decide )

Slowly you lay my body
on the silky sheets
the lights dimmed low (The 1st 3 lines feel a little cliche)
the voice of marvin gaye
echoing throughout the room (sounds like he's yodeling ) create a soulful image

candles surrounding our bodies
fear in my eyes, as my body trembled (feels a little trite)
self conscious about my bare body
but, you reassured me it was alright
passionately you caressed my breast (really cliche)

strawberry dipped in chocolate in my mouth (chocolate dipped strawberry in my mouth)
and you, sucked my inner thighs
then worked your way inside me with your tongue
I continued to tremble

uncontrollably I began to sweat
And hold back the tears
as you entered inside me deeply
I tried to let my mind wander
forget about the harsh pain
I felt in my stomach
all because I love you ♥

i only went half way with the crit LB.
for me you need to stamp some hard lustful images on the poem or make it really really soft. at present you're just telling us a little story that isn't too exciting. it wanders. most of all try and make it original.

did he slam that cock up into your lungs or was he gentle.

don't worry about the language i put a content warning on the title.

that said. physical love poems are often best told without the nitty gritty. the dip of a hummingbirds tongue lapping up nectar while cliche works on another level.

sometimes we don't need to see water on something to know that it's wet

so i'd say much more imagery. cut out as many the's and's like's I's you's and me's as possible and have fun with that imagination of yours. be outlandish be angelic but most of all be original.

thanks for the read.

[addy]

Nice to see another poem from you LB Just a few quick comments, skipping those already mentioned

Slowly you lay my body
on the silky sheets
the lights dimmed low
the voice of marvin gaye Hmm... is this guy an older guy or something? i know marvin gaye stuff is quintissential sexy music, but is he what you younguns still listen to? I don't mean to tease, I genuinely don't know
echoing throughout the room

candles surrounding our bodies
fear in my eyes, as my body trembled
self conscious about my bare body repetition of the word "body"but, you reassured me it was alright
passionately you caressed my breast

strawberry dipped in chocolate in my mouth
and you, sucked my inner thighs
then worked your way inside me with your tongue
I continued to tremble maybe another word for tremble this time

uncontrollably I began to sweat
And hold back the tears
as you entered inside me deeply
I tried to let my mind wander
forget about the harsh pain
I felt in my stomach
all because I love you ♥

As billy noted, you seem to be trying to go either one way or the other, with romantic imagery versus raunchy imagery. I think one way you can reconcile this is to take advantage of the scenario you were going for; the voice of the narrator could be imagining the romantic aspects and trying to detach herself, but keeps getting pulled back to the scary, violent reality of the act. Just a suggestion, but you could go anywhere with this

[heslopian]

Not stunningly original, and reads like the synopsis for an R&B video at times, but there are some nice moments, and you clearly have talent. The first verse was the best; simple and imagistic, really evocative. I think you should have expanded on that.
The candles, chocolate strawberries and breat caressing were really cliche, and I don't know what you mean by that final phrase "♥" is that a typo?
Reads more like private fantasy than poetry, but as I said that first verse was good, you've clearly got talent, and I look forward to seeing more of your work