Seasonal Starwars

[Keith]

As the rain started
I thought of dashing for the car
and the umbrella in the boot,
annoyed by windscreen condensation.

You tried not to blink
and walked like a bouncer
giving the sky an evil eye.
You then drew a smiley face on your window.

As snowflakes fell
I thought of salt
and clearing driveways,
wondering if I would get to work in the morning.

You tried to catch each crystal,
first like a goalkeeper,
then in your mouth.
Your breakfast footprints were first in the garden.

As the wind rattled the house
I thought of buckled fences
and blown over rubbish bins,
with a screwed up face I tried to tie it all down.

You raised a school coat sail
and skateboarded up the hill,
then with your cape flapping
you looked down, scouring the city for criminals.

As the sun became unbearable
I thought of factor 30
and finding shade,
complaining about the heat and being sick of sweating.

You waged water pistol wars
filling balloons at the outside tap.
squealing round the garden
being chased in just your underpants.

Now you have children and worry about,
umbrellas, factor 30 and blown over rubbish,
I recollect how much fun can be found
when taking time to embrace each season.

You're taking me home
for our usual Sunday lunch
driving into heavy snow
but I’m sitting in a star-field
piloting an X-wing and
about to make the jump to hyperspace.

[Erthona]

There are some nice images, especially as they describe the non-speaker person (a boy?). The problem I have with this, outside of the occasional tense problem ("but I’m sat in a star-field" the most egregious), is I am uncertain who this story is about. I don't like "fill in your own character" stories, it is way to much work (If I am going to work for something as the reader it needs to be more important than who is who), plus that is the writer's job, not the readers. Think of this like a movie where the director has left you with five different camera angles to choose from and make a cohesive story. Why should you the movie watcher do that, when he has the information needed to select which angle best tells the story. Sure, I might put characters to these descriptions, but why should I struggle to do so, when you already have that information?

Dale

[Keith]

There are some nice images, especially as they describe the non-speaker person (a boy?). The problem I have with this, outside of the occasional tense problem ("but I’m sat in a star-field" the most egregious), is I am uncertain who this story is about. I don't like "fill in your own character" stories, it is way to much work (If I am going to work for something as the reader it needs to be more important than who is who), plus that is the writer's job, not the readers. Think of this like a movie where the director has left you with five different camera angles to choose from and make a cohesive story. Why should you the movie watcher do that, when he has the information needed to select which angle best tells the story. Sure, I might put characters to these descriptions, but why should I struggle to do so, when you already have that information?

Dale

Many thanks for the feedback Dale much appreciated, there are only two characters parent and child, S9 and 10 were supposed to be a shift to present time with the child grown up and the parent now old. I can see why this would not come across so I will try and fix it, thanks Keith

[Erthona]

"two characters parent and child"

Yeah, I worked that out after a few reads, but I also think the gender is important. The gender in the adult seems conflicted. The gender of the adult seems mostly woman, as "she" seems concerned more with what a mother, not a father would: sunscreen, umbrella, but then the comments about rubbish bins seem more like the concerns of a father. I am not saying these are necessarily gender specific, but as the gender is undefined it leaves one to search for whatever clues are available that give an answer. As such the reader becomes focused on trying to work out who is who, instead of focusing on the poem itself.
It's not uncommon for a writer to assume the reader knows what they know, and thus leave out valuable information, in fact it is probably the most common one.
Keep working this has the potential to be a solid write.

dale

[fresample]

As the rain started
I thought of dashing for the car
and the umbrella in the boot.
I was annoyed by windscreen condensation.

You tried not to blink
and walked like a bouncer
giving the sky an evil eye.
Then you drew a smiley face on your window. ["Then you" seems like more should follow. "You then" may sum this thought easier for the reader.]

As snowflakes fell
I thought of salt
and clearing path ways,
wondering if I would get to work in the morning. [wondering seems present, perhaps "all the while" or "I wondered" or pondered]

You tried to catch each crystal,
first like a goalkeeper,
then in your mouth.
Your breakfast footprints were first in the garden. ["breakfast footprints"?]

As the wind rattle the house [rattled]
I thought of buckled fences
and blown over rubbish bins.
With a screwed up face I tried to tie it all down.

You raised a school coat sail
and skateboarded up the hill,
then with your cape flapping
You looked down and scoured the city for criminals.

As the sun became unbearable
I thought of factor 30
and finding shade,
Complaining about the heat and being sick of sweating. [who's complaining?]

You waged water pistol wars
filling balloons at the outside tap.
Then you crossed the desert
Forty days and nights without food or drink.

Now, as you think of
Umbrellas, factor 30 and blown over rubbish,
I remember how much fun can be found
When you have time to notice the seasons.

Your taking me home ["You're"?]
for our usual Sunday lunch
driving into heavy snow fall
but I’m sat in a star-field ["sitting"?]
piloting an X-wing and
about to make the jump to hyperspace.

This sounds like a recollection of found memories with an ecsentric friend. I made a couple notes within the poem that stood out as I was reading it a second time.
When you say "Then you", it sounds like you're telling that particular person what you remember, which kind of narrows the audience down to the person you're referring too. However, by saying "You then" it almost feels like you're talking aloud. By doing this it feels like you are thinking out loud, which makes me as a reader feel like I'm overhearing your conversation rather than eavesdropping.
With your capitilization, I wasn't sure if there were any reasoning behind it. I originally though You was always capitilized or it was based on a thought, but then it seemed random. If it follows a comma, it's either lower case or upper throughout. If it doesn't follow a comma but goes to the next line, lower case makes sense. If You is special only when it's the first word of the line, then that should be the same throughout. Basically consistency with the mechanics. It surprises even me how much of an impact it has when reading poetry. It's almost a subconscious reaction to pause at a comma or emphasize a capital letter.

I can see where you're going with this piece (I think from my perspective). It may help to decide who you're talking to and if you're telling a story or if you're speaking a memory/realization out loud. I like the idea and I can almost see it, but the vision is somewhat scewed but the little things.

[Keith]

As the rain started
I thought of dashing for the car
and the umbrella in the boot.
I was annoyed by windscreen condensation.

You tried not to blink
and walked like a bouncer
giving the sky an evil eye.
Then you drew a smiley face on your window. ["Then you" seems like more should follow. "You then" may sum this thought easier for the reader.]

As snowflakes fell
I thought of salt
and clearing path ways,
wondering if I would get to work in the morning. [wondering seems present, perhaps "all the while" or "I wondered" or pondered]

You tried to catch each crystal,
first like a goalkeeper,
then in your mouth.
Your breakfast footprints were first in the garden. ["breakfast footprints"?]

As the wind rattle the house [rattled]
I thought of buckled fences
and blown over rubbish bins.
With a screwed up face I tried to tie it all down.

You raised a school coat sail
and skateboarded up the hill,
then with your cape flapping
You looked down and scoured the city for criminals.

As the sun became unbearable
I thought of factor 30
and finding shade,
Complaining about the heat and being sick of sweating. [who's complaining?]

You waged water pistol wars
filling balloons at the outside tap.
Then you crossed the desert
Forty days and nights without food or drink.

Now, as you think of
Umbrellas, factor 30 and blown over rubbish,
I remember how much fun can be found
When you have time to notice the seasons.

Your taking me home ["You're"?]
for our usual Sunday lunch
driving into heavy snow fall
but I’m sat in a star-field ["sitting"?]
piloting an X-wing and
about to make the jump to hyperspace.

This sounds like a recollection of found memories with an ecsentric friend. I made a couple notes within the poem that stood out as I was reading it a second time.
When you say "Then you", it sounds like you're telling that particular person what you remember, which kind of narrows the audience down to the person you're referring too. However, by saying "You then" it almost feels like you're talking aloud. By doing this it feels like you are thinking out loud, which makes me as a reader feel like I'm overhearing your conversation rather than eavesdropping.
With your capitilization, I wasn't sure if there were any reasoning behind it. I originally though You was always capitilized or it was based on a thought, but then it seemed random. If it follows a comma, it's either lower case or upper throughout. If it doesn't follow a comma but goes to the next line, lower case makes sense. If You is special only when it's the first word of the line, then that should be the same throughout. Basically consistency with the mechanics. It surprises even me how much of an impact it has when reading poetry. It's almost a subconscious reaction to pause at a comma or emphasize a capital letter.

I can see where you're going with this piece (I think from my perspective). It may help to decide who you're talking to and if you're telling a story or if you're speaking a memory/realization out loud. I like the idea and I can almost see it, but the vision is somewhat scewed but the little things.

Sorry I'm so late getting back to you Fresample I just missed it, thank you for your considered comments they are all very helpful and I will make the edit based on the feedback from Dale and yourself. Best Keith