Angel Hair

[geoff]

V. 2

Angel Hair

Yolk soaks into flour,
dough blooming in powdered palms.

Caked with the bones of pasta,
fingers shape the skeleton

round on the butcher block counter,
flat under the rolling pin

as fire hums blues to stainless steel;
a guttural vibrato whispered into steam.

Capellini is born under a bad sign,
each angel hair untangled by a gentle knife’s kiss

and dropped into a boiling dead sea
the way a farmer seeds a pasture,

expecting a field of corn
from an acre of upturned earth.



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Version 1

Il Cuoco

As yolk soaks into flour,
dough blooms from enriched grain
cupped in his powdered palms.

Fingers, caked with the bones of pasta,
shaped the skeleton—round on the butcher block
counter, flat under the rolling pin,

as fire hums blues to stainless steel;
a guttural, throaty vibrato whispered into steam.
Capellini is born under a bad sign,

a knife’s gentle kiss
separating each thin strand
of angel’s hair from the mass

before the boiling pot froths
under the weight of creation
stirring in its stomach.

[Erthona]

geoff, Playing the chef and cooking something up I see!
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Why is the pasta born under a bad sign?
The first two line of that stanza are really good,

"as (the) fire hums blues to stainless steel;
a guttural, throaty vibrato whispered into steam."
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I'm also not a fan of breaking the sentence across the stanza, it make the sentence unduly difficult to read, but does nothing positive.
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"a knife’s gentle kiss
separates each thin strand
of angel’s hair from the mass" (I think if you are going to use a possessive "angel’s" you need an article before it, e.g., "an angel's hair". Or just drop the apostrophe.

"a knife’s gentle kiss
separates each thin strand
of angel hair from the mass"
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I think using bones and skeleton as a metaphor is counterproductive as the end result of pasta looks like bones.
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I think this is a good idea and it has some decent metaphors, but it needs some cleaning up.

Dale

[tectak]

Il Cuoco

As yolk soaks into flour,
dough blooms from enriched grain Unweildy. You using "as"to imply simultaneity...otherwise soaking yolks is most unlike blooming dough. So do you need "as"? I detect no meter or rhythm in the piece so its removal is inconsequential.
cupped in his powdered palms.

Fingers, caked with the bones of pasta,
shaped the skeleton—round on the butcher block
counter, flat under the rolling pin, this is a grammatical car crash.Commas are tossed about landing where they fall. The dash is slapped and adds nothing useful. Needs tidying up. Punctuate to clarity.

as fire hums blues to stainless steel; Very nice line.
a guttural, throaty vibrato whispered into steam.
Capellini is born under a bad sign,

a knife’s gentle kiss These pretentious stanza breaks are as irritating as they are unnecessary. How can you justify them?
separating each thin strand
of angel’s hair from the mass

before the boiling pot froths
under the weight of creation
stirring in its stomach. Again, conceptually worthy but reads like snakes and ladders played on as scrabble board. The lengthy sentence swings about and surges every which way looking for completion. This is me liking it .

Hi geoff,
I like the feel of this but it lacks the smooth, elastic texture of its subject matter...and that matters. The stanzas ( loosely described) are eccentrically split as though superstition forced you to continue with the nonsense for fear of dire consequences This happens to us all now and then...and you know it when you see it. No rewrite from me. Your poem.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Il Cuoco

As yolk soaks into flour,
dough blooms from enriched grain
cupped in his powdered palms.

Fingers, caked with the bones of pasta,
shaped the skeleton—round on the butcher block
counter, flat under the rolling pin,

as fire hums blues to stainless steel;
a guttural, throaty vibrato whispered into steam.
Capellini is born under a bad sign,

a knife’s gentle kiss
separating each thin strand
of angel’s hair from the mass

before the boiling pot froths
under the weight of creation
stirring in its stomach.

Geoff,
I am now craving pasta at 8 am in the morning. Thanks a lot! I think that I have heard of this Italian restaurant before. There are some great lines and ideas herein. I love the blues metaphor/'born under a bad sign' reference' as The Cream's version is my favorite one for the song. The same goes for the Angel hair and stomach metaphors. As for critique, you may not need 'as' or 'his' in your first stanza. I don't really have any problems with the lines carrying across stanzas. If you read Poetry Magazine, this appears to be the favored form, especially with three line stanza formats. In stanza two, I want to say skeletal rounds without the caesura, does that make sense? In stanza three, could you make a choice between guttural or throaty? Although guttural implies pharyngeal, it derives from the Latin for throat and therefore nearly synonymous. Hopefully, some things to think about for your next edit./Chris

[jeremyyoung]

Geoff

The zodiac reference made me laugh - 'oh don't mind grandma, she's a Capellini'

The use of the word 'as' is a little distancing - removed from the first line, it plunges us straight into the yolk.
It is perhaps more justifiable at the start of the 3rd stanza, though the enjambment and the verse break gives enough punctuation to separate the rolling pin from the pan - and allows the reader to connect the two, offering movement around the kitchen.

Really like 'knife's gentle kiss,' not so keen on 'angel's hair' - too Joni Mitchell.

I like the word stomach at the end, but I wonder if somehow that stomach could be the person eating - so that the poem takes us on a journey from ingredient to ingestion.

[geoff]

dale
-thanks for reading and your thoughts. I've adjusted the apostrophe for "angel". I understand your comment about the bones, but being about creation to a degree I think I'll keep them in for the time being. Hopefully this cleans up some of the line breaks

tec
I've tried to adjust some of the line breaks, though I realize my writing often does not meet your standards in that area. I have removed the "as" and worked on the punctuation. I also worked on the close to create a smoother finish, though we'll see if it holds. thanks for your time.

chris
agreed with your comment on the caesura after skeleton. appreciate your kind words and connections. I've also trimmed the adjectives before vibrato. thanks for the feedback

jeremy
removed the possessive for "angel", but also removed stomach--struggled to make it work in a way that didn't feel forced to me. if the poem feel likes it needs more movement, I can play with that progression more. thanks for your thoughts

[ChristopherSea]

Angel Hair

Yolk soaks into flour,
dough blooming in powdered palms.

Caked with the bones of pasta,
fingers shape the skeleton

round on the butcher block counter,
flat under the rolling pin

as fire hums blues to stainless steel;
a guttural vibrato whispered into steam.

Capellini is born under a bad sign,
each angel hair untangled by a gentle knife’s kiss

and dropped into a boiling dead sea
the way a farmer seeds a pasture,

expecting a field of corn
from an acre of upturned earth.


Geoff, I really like what you have done with this edit. The closing similie is wonderful. However, it seems to refer back to 'boiling dead sea' instead of 'Capellini is born', which I believe is your intention. I could be wrong and it may just be my read, so see what you think. Perhaps, you only need to make a full stop after sea and begin the close a little differently.

I used to love watching my grandmother make linguine. She would place a flat pasta sheet over a wired frame and roll out the strands. Thanks for evoking the beautiful memories!