White lines

[Dinosta]

There are nights that I've dozed on the driver's side

Those times where I drift over white lines

Only bumps in the road were what kept me alive

Saying goodbye goodbye goodbye

[geoff]

Hello Dinosta,


I think a consistent meter would work wonders for the rhythm. There were times I started to get into it only to stumble in the following line or because it felt like a beat was missing (or extra). For a short piece, there are also what struck me as extra words ("that" in line one, "were what" in line 3). I was confused on the speaker of line four.

I do feel like this would benefit from more content. Thanks for sharing.

[Erthona]

geoff said "I was confused on the speaker of line four."

Maybe change:

Only bumps in the road were what kept me alive
Saying goodbye goodbye goodbye

to something like:

The only thing that kept me alive
were the bumps in the road saying,
"Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

First two lines:

"There are nights that I've dozed on the driver's side (tense problem) You can doze in the driver's seat, not on the driver's side.
Those times where I drift over white lines" (tense problem)

There were nights I dozed while driving,
those time where I drifted over the white lines (in the middle of the road).


Dale

[ChristopherSea]

The title reminds me of cocaine, in which case you would be wide awake! In the US, on the driver's side and in the middle of the road, we are talking about yellow lines (double). The single white line is on the passenger side or shoulder side. In Europe, I think you are on the wrong side of the car and on the wrong side of the road, unless you are driving backwards and under those circumstances the lines become unimportant. Anyway, you may have to settle his seat and line colors.

[shemthepenman]

hello,
i was actually a little disturbed by this poem, which is always nice. I think the tenses in the first two lines are unclear, not necessarily wrong, just poorly worded, which makes figuring it all out a bit of a pain.
also, i did think of cocaine, too, and tried to find the link, and it all looks really cool as a drug poem, though i am not sure that that was your intentio; but layers are good, even unintentional ones.

thanks for the read. short and sweet... unlike my lines of cocaine