Some thoughts spilled.
#1
Free-Ranging Allowed, Creative Responses Encouraged
I realize this is a mockery of a poem and more like me transcribing spoken word, but feel free to respond in whatever fashion you'd like.


He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation while growing up.
Once every year he'd find himself in Victoria,
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house. I say I'd have loved that house over my
vacations, worse than chores because
planning them took weeks, arguments exploded
in long car rides down to Virginia in 95 degree
weather, no air conditioner working because
the Mercedes overheated. The motels were
always shitty and I'd spend more time in the
chlorinated pools than the beach,
because the pools were clean and lacked seaweed,
or jellyfish. I told him he's privileged to have had
it and he turns away, "no, no, no, no,
don't say that." He goes on about
why his life was tough and I try to sympathize
but all I can think about are his drawstring curls
formed by incessant heat from the dryer.
All I can think is how I like to sit in the dip
his stomach makes when he's lying on his back
and how I can feel his bones digging into
my ass after a while. I think about how he's
young and complains a lot,
and how now he gloats about the dick
I convinced him was big. Except he says it
in front of friends; makes me quiet.
Makes me think I should laud over
how tight my pussy is.



He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation while growing up.
Once every year he'd find himself in Victoria,
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house. I say I'd have loved that house over my
vacations, worse than chores because
planning took weeks, arguments exploded
in long car rides down to Virginia in 95 degree
weather, no air conditioner working because
the Mercedes overheated. The motels were
always shitty and I'd spend more time in
chlorinated pools than the ocean,
because pools were clean and lacked seaweed,
or jellyfish. I told him he's privileged to have had
it and he turns away, "no, no, no, no,
don't say that." He goes on about
why his life was tough and I try to sympathize
but all I can think about are his drawstring curls
formed by incessant heat from the dryer.
All I can think is how I like to sit in the dip
his stomach makes when he's lying on his back
and how I can feel his bones digging into
my ass after a while. I think about how he's
young and complains a lot,
and how now he gloats about the dick
I convinced him was big. Except he says it
in front of friends; makes me quiet.
Makes me think I should brag
how tight my pussy is.
I'll be there in a minute.
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#2
The tense is confusing, especially to start the poem:

"He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation while growing up."

"He's talking about having to do
chores on his vacation when he was a kid."
--------------------------------
"Once every year he'd find himself in Victoria,
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house."

This is confusing. Did he not live with his mother, or did she have a house they did not live in?
-----------------------------------

Sort of the same type of editing throughout.

Fun poem though.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#3
I grin each time I read this. I like the contest of who had it worse, it screams youth ( or immaturity if they're old enough to be counting their blessings Smile ).

I like the stomach, it moves the piece into intimacy.

And the big dick thing is funny (they never out grow that one. Smile ).

Thanks for posting it, it's a relief.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#4
(02-11-2014, 02:30 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  Free-Ranging Allowed, Creative Responses Encouraged
I realize this is a mockery of a poem and more like me transcribing spoken word, but feel free to respond in whatever fashion you'd like.

He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation [while growing up.] Implied by the next lines?
[Once every year he'd find himself] in Victoria, doesn't add anything
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house. I say I'd have loved that house [over my
vacations,] better than? [worse than chores] implied because
planning [them] took weeks, arguments exploded
in long car rides down to Virginia in 95 degree
weather, no air conditioner working because
the Mercedes overheated. [We don't overheat surely?]The motels were
always shitty and I'd spend more time in [the]
chlorinated pools than on the beach,
because [the] pools were clean and lacked seaweed,
or jellyfish. I told him he's [was]privileged to have had
it and he turns away, "no, no, no, no,
don't say that." He goes on about
why his life was tough and I try to sympathize
but all I can think about are his drawstring curls
formed by incessant heat from the dryer.[lovely image!]
[All I can think is] repeated? maybe just and how I like to sit in the dip
his stomach makes when he's lying on his back
and how I can feel his bones digging into
my ass after a while. I think about how he's
young and complains a lot,
and how now he gloats about the dick
I convinced him was big. Except he says it
in front of friends; makes me quiet.
Makes me think I should [laud over] sounds clunky, maybe brag?
how tight my pussy is.

As always I want to chop away - I like the change in subject matter, reflects how our attention often switches to sex ...love the impact of the last line.
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#5
(02-13-2014, 09:34 AM)Erthona Wrote:  The tense is confusing, especially to start the poem:

"He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation while growing up."

"He's talking about having to do
chores on his vacation when he was a kid."
--------------------------------
"Once every year he'd find himself in Victoria,
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house."

This is confusing. Did he not live with his mother, or did she have a house they did not live in?
-----------------------------------

Sort of the same type of editing throughout.

Fun poem though.

Dale

Thanks for the input Dale. Regarding the tenses, you're right.

(02-13-2014, 10:00 AM)ellajam Wrote:  I grin each time I read this. I like the contest of who had it worse, it screams youth ( or immaturity of they're old enough to be counting their blessings Smile ).

I like the stomach, it moves the piece into intimacy.

And the big dick thing is funny (they never out grow that one. Smile ).

Thanks for posting it, it's a relief.

I'm so glad you like it ella.

Side note, I've always wondered what your alias meant.
It just seems to make me hungry.
But everything makes me hungry.

(02-13-2014, 10:08 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  
(02-11-2014, 02:30 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  Free-Ranging Allowed, Creative Responses Encouraged
I realize this is a mockery of a poem and more like me transcribing spoken word, but feel free to respond in whatever fashion you'd like.

He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation [while growing up.] Implied by the next lines?
[Once every year he'd find himself] in Victoria, doesn't add anything
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house. I say I'd have loved that house [over my
vacations,] better than? [worse than chores] implied because
planning [them] took weeks, arguments exploded
in long car rides down to Virginia in 95 degree
weather, no air conditioner working because
the Mercedes overheated. [We don't overheat surely?]The motels were
always shitty and I'd spend more time in [the]
chlorinated pools than on the beach,
because [the] pools were clean and lacked seaweed,
or jellyfish. I told him he's [was]privileged to have had
it and he turns away, "no, no, no, no,
don't say that." He goes on about
why his life was tough and I try to sympathize
but all I can think about are his drawstring curls
formed by incessant heat from the dryer.[lovely image!]
[All I can think is] repeated? maybe just and how I like to sit in the dip
his stomach makes when he's lying on his back
and how I can feel his bones digging into
my ass after a while. I think about how he's
young and complains a lot,
and how now he gloats about the dick
I convinced him was big. Except he says it
in front of friends; makes me quiet.
Makes me think I should [laud over] sounds clunky, maybe brag?
how tight my pussy is.

As always I want to chop away - I like the change in subject matter, reflects how our attention often switches to sex ...love the impact of the last line.

I really liked the input you had to offer, so I made some changes. Thank you so much. :]

And yes. Mercedes' overheat. Least the older versions do.

*models
I'll be there in a minute.
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#6
Every day.
I'll be there in a minute.
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#7
(02-26-2014, 06:27 PM)OccamM1 Wrote:  Prehaps a bit underwritten, but I really enjoyed the overall feeling the piece left me with.

Thanks for the kind words Occam. And welcome!
I'll be there in a minute.
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#8
yes, i'd also like to know what ellajam is Blush
but to the poem.
i really enjoyed the read, some of the enjambment didn't work to well for me.
i think it could have had a few poetic devices in it
the last two lines are spot on and gave me a laugh. men are bragging bastards at the end of the day.
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