I stumble, fall
You catch me
For 20 years you,
In your quiet strength
Have watched me grow,
Watched me trip on
Bumps along the road
And yet you stay, allowing
The path of life to teach
Helping along the way
Pointing out missed road signs
As I traversed the pathway
Fights along the way
We had our share
And yet, when I gave up on myself
You were there to remind me
That anything I wanted
Was within my grasp
And as I continue on my journey
I know that you,
Standing, strong as always
Will still be there, loving
For 20 years,
Refusing to understand what has been done
I now know how strong you have made me
So thank you
For my life, my love
My safety, my joy
I stumble, fall
You catch me.
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
I sang this in the tune of "You Found Me" by The Fray. It works.
I'll be there in a minute.
Interesting....Certainly not intentional, but interesting 
It sounds all right throughout most of it if I don't pay too much attention to the words and what they mean.
I'm not quite clear on what you mean rowens....sorry
I think the words sound nice, some of the rhythm and the repetition of words and sounds anyway. They're decent anyway. What's being said could be said better, in a more interesting way. That's all.
Oh, Thanks for the clarification
Posts: 37
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2014
(02-27-2014, 09:45 AM)tmonfort Wrote: I stumble, fall
You catch me
For 20 years you,
In your quiet strength
Have watched me grow,
Watched me trip on
Bumps along the road
And yet you stay, allowing
The path of life to teach
Helping along the way
Pointing out missed road signs
As I traversed the pathway
Fights along the way
We had our share
And yet, when I gave up on myself
You were there to remind me
That anything I wanted
Was within my grasp
And as I continue on my journey
I know that you,
Standing, strong as always
Will still be there, loving
For 20 years,
Refusing to understand what has been done
I now know how strong you have made me
So thank you
For my life, my love
My safety, my joy
I stumble, fall
You catch me.
Hello tmonfort,
A couple of things stood out to me with this piece:
I think a structure (meter) could be considered for the piece. Would justify line lengths to a degree; also, some of the wording in places (e.g, the first stanza) suggests the poem could rhyme if so desired, though it would take a bit of effort and editing
As is, the poem is covering a huge length of time (20 years to the present). No specific moment really gets attention. We learn about general "fights" and "trips and bumps". I don't have an event to really latch onto though. Phrasing like "You were there to remind me/That anything (italics mine)..." actually shy away from getting into detail. When I'm reading, it is the details that can establish a piece. Otherwise, while there are some nice thoughts included, I have nothing to strike me, or later remind me, of what I read. I'd like to see the piece get a defining moment.
Thanks for the read,
-geoff
Thanks for the feedback Geoff!
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
each verse says more or less the same the same thing i a slightly different way which for me diminishes any strength the poem may have had.
look out for wordiness. i bolded out some words i felt didn't add anything to the poem. repetition as a refrain works in some poetry refrains are planned for. the repetition in your poem aren't refrains. (apart from the 1st and 2nd and last 2 lines.) phrase like [along the way] as a reader i'd say cut the poem as you have it by a third and add some depth with a few lines of imagery.
thanks for the read
(02-27-2014, 09:45 AM)tmonfort Wrote: I stumble, fall
You catch me
For 20 years you,
In your quiet strength
Have watched me grow,
Watched me trip on
Bumps along the road
And yet you stay, allowing
The path of life to teach
Helping along the way
Pointing out missed road signs
As I traversed the pathway
Fights along the way
We had our share
And yet, when I gave up on myself
You were there to remind me
That anything I wanted
Was within my grasp
And as I continue on my journey
I know that you,
Standing, strong as always
Will still be there, loving
For 20 years,
Refusing to understand what has been done
I now know how strong you have made me
So thank you
For my life, my love
My safety, my joy
I stumble, fall
You catch me.
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