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your breasts
stand naked and proud
nipples defiantly displayed
in honest womanhood
do not give me this
tantalising black satin
designed to titillate
with its tactile rebuff
you and I
we have no secrets
to wrap in lingerie lies
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(02-22-2014, 10:09 AM)Leanne Wrote: your breasts
stand naked and proud
nipples defiantly displayed
in honest womanhood
do not give me this
tantalising black satin
designed to titillate
with its tactile rebuff
you and I
we have no secrets
to wrap in lingerie lies
Leanne's phaser doesn't have a stun setting.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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I love nipples, they are so upright!
The shortest piece of erection eduction I have ever read!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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This could use an elipsis on the final line. Other than that, I'm too distracted to offer criticism.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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(02-22-2014, 11:10 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: (02-22-2014, 10:09 AM)Leanne Wrote: your breasts
stand naked and proud
nipples defiantly displayed
in honest womanhood
do not give me this
tantalising black satin
designed to titillate
with its tactile rebuff
you and I
we have no secrets
to wrap in lingerie lies
Leanne's phaser doesn't have a stun setting.
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subtlety is overrated 
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This isn't an Eros poem, I don't think. The title shows the intent: lewd is pejorative. Here, the sense isn't seductive. That is, there's no leadership in the poem. It's all commands.
There are two ways to hear the "voices." One is the speaker and the object are one person. The other is that the speaker and object are distinct.
S1L4's honesty plays against S3L3's lies. Ditto, the notion of womanhood plays against the "adult" themes of the poem.
That said, this is a poem about intimacy, vulnerability, and danger. Nipples defy an unspoken threat to an unnamed value.
My read is that the narrator and poetic subject are the same person. Otherwise, the thought that there are no secrets is utterly unreliable, and the narrator's voice is too naive to admit unreliability.
Critique: There's a sapphic atmosphere here, which is undermined--imho--by the word "titillate."
There also seems to be a lot of redundancy. The commanding force of "do not give me" is obviated by the vulnerability of the subject. It would be like saying, for instance, "I order you to protect yourself, turtle with your armored shell."
A naked woman learning to love her own body, like a naked woman being loved, is super vulnerable. The narrator's order "don't wear sexy underwear" seems not to advance that emotional moment.
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02-22-2014, 03:55 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-22-2014, 03:55 PM by Leanne.)
or alternatively, the boobies aren't really boobies after all...
That's an interesting read, crow, thanks very much for your insights. And you're dead right, it's not an Eros poem at all.
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It seems that lingerie is too potent an image to move beyond. It is a recurrent motif in many of my poems but it obviously doesn't always work. This is a conversation involving three women, or rather, two about a third. It is nothing to do with sex.
But if that notion is not clear enough, it is the failure of the poet and not the readers.
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This isn't for poem-poem feedback?
At first it was kind of boring to me, and the last line sounded too obvious. But then I liked it a little better, and the last line worked.
It could be one woman talking to another, or to herself. But it doesn't seem very important how many people are talking. Or is it important?
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Is it important to you?
Once it's written, it's not important to me anymore.
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I would have never known about three women being involved if you hadn't said so. But that doesn't affect the poem much, unless three is a lucky number or something.
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I took it as a woman in a good relationship talking to her female lover: We have no need for disguises. I like "lingerie lies".
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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That's almost exactly as I intended it. Thanks Marcella.
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travis.reeder
Unregistered
I love this poem. Forgive me if I'm wrong in my interpretation, but I sense this is raw, irrevocable love. Maybe I only see what I want to see, but I think that this is more to the point about raw emotion and better at getting that point across than many novelists have done. Kudos to you Leanne
(Sorry for being a horrible critique, I'm not so good at that part of things)
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That's ok Travis, you don't need to worry about proper critiques in this forum -- though you've not done a bad job 
Yes, this is definitely about love. It's just not about sex. "Raw" is a great way to describe it, thank you.
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What Marcella said is also what I got. It seemed very clear to me, and you know if it didn't I would say so.
All that is missing is the touch
that causes the skin to blush
and goose bumps to rise
that is so pleasing to the eyes!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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