Drought of Libidinousness
#1
Drought of Libidinousness

The head, uncovered, hails hello
And slyly wriggles sluice agape.
The mind’s unconscious eye below
Reports up high like ticker tape.

The moment’s set to flex the abs,
Extend the back, and press the chest
Against the kindred’s core and grab
Around the axillae, then wrest.

Succor the member to and through
The channel’s mouth and then beyond
The calm, yet eager sniper’s cue
Where future life will have been spawned.

Press back and forth, as in a trance—
Like a rope swaying in the wind—
And go, until it can’t advance,
To pleasure’s arch beneath the skin.

Velvety friction whets the course
Pending salvation’s blissful end.
Seesaw exchanges lead by force
As thirst, from which we can’t ascend.
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#2
Seems too artificial. Anyway, it seems like a lot of wasted words.
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#3
(02-25-2014, 10:04 AM)rowens Wrote:  Seems too artificial. Anyway, it seems like a lot of wasted words.

Hi rowens,

To elaborate on my work: I set it in iambic tetrameter, and my intent was to paint a vivid picture through strong imagery and analogies within the syllabic limitations; so, contrary to what you stated, each word used was essential to completing all of the aforementioned tasks. I posted it hoping for constructive criticism, and I thank you for your feedback.

Please, if you don't mind, expand on your analysis so that I may further my skills and revise the poem accordingly. Thank you!
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#4
The imagery and analogies or whatever you're using all seem too arbitrary to me.
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#5
Hi, J,

I'm a beginner, but some spots that seem off to me are:

Like a rope swaying in the wind—

Succor
Velvety
Pending
Seesaw

But the poem as a whole is just too dense for me. It's as if each line is a riddle, it doesn't come together as a cohesive whole for me.

And, as I know from experience, just because each word is thoughtfully chosen, that doesn't always mean they belong in the poem.

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#6
Hey J. Frost,

Some fine wordplay going on. More specifically,

(02-24-2014, 08:20 AM)J.Frost Wrote:  Drought of Libidinousness

The head, uncovered, hails hello
And slyly wriggles sluice agape.
The mind’s unconscious eye below
Reports up high like ticker tape....I like idea a bit more than the execution, but maybe I'm getting a bit picky. The "reporting up" didn't really thrill me with its wording, but I understand the effect

The moment’s set to flex the abs,
Extend the back, and press the chest
Against the kindred’s core and grab
Around the axillae, then wrest.

Succor the member to and through ..."Succor" threw off the rhythm a bit for me
The channel’s mouth and then beyond
The calm, yet eager sniper’s cue
Where future life will have been spawned....not sure if I agree with the future perfect here, but it gets you your meter req

Press back and forth, as in a trance—
Like a rope swaying in the wind— ...again, I stumbled a bit with the meter on this line, but I do think it's fitting for the image of the unpredictable, swaying rope. That being said, I'm not convinced this is the strongest image to convey the action; this feels very uncontrolled and sporadic...
And go, until it can’t advance,
To pleasure’s arch beneath the skin.

Velvety friction whets the course ...not a fan of "velvety" here, though I guess it needs an appearance somewhere. Doesn't really have a pleasant sound for the piece and again creates some meter issues for me...
Pending salvation’s blissful end.
Seesaw exchanges lead by force
As thirst, from which we can’t ascend. ...why invert the structure here? It wasn't necessary all poem long. I'm not convinced that this line got your full attention. Could we find a stronger ending that doesn't twist arms to make a rhyme?

Thanks for the read

-geoff
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#7
Hello Geoff,

Very nice feedback! You pointed out things I had already questioned myself, so it's reassuring to hear that my suspicions were at least well founded. Special thanks for the careful attention on the trochee in the final line. I will be sure to revise accordingly.

(Sorry if this popped up a few times. I'm not the most forum-savvy fella)
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#8
Hey J. Frost,

If you are like me, which it sounds like you could be, then you have an idea where some of your trouble spots lie in a poem. Trust your gut; if you have doubts, then often times, others may too.

-geoff
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