Relic

[ChristopherSea]

final

Relic

I live within
this amber tomb, shelved
among the more novel finds,
dwarfed by her other trophies,
a whimsical aside.

I recall gilded epochs
navigating the seas
awash in concert for eons,
but now I lie in a Trilobite cast,
a limestone replica
of whom I had been.

This wrinkled integument
of my former self
is etched in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over fern fronds
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced my flesh. Not a vestige
of warmth found within
this amorphous scrap
of petrified wood.

No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
my existence
has fossilized.

-----------------------------------
(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 3)

Relic

I live
in this amber tomb
shelved among her more novel finds,
dwarfed by other trophies,
a whimsical aside.

I recall gilded epochs
navigating seas
awash in concert,
but now I lie
in a Trilobite cast,
a limestone replica
of whom I had been.

This wrinkled integument
of my former self
is etched in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over
fern fronds in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced my flesh. Not a vestige
of warmth found within
this amorphous scrap
of petrified wood.

No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
my existence
has fossilized.


----------------------------
(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 2)

Relic

I am entombed
in amber,
sitting on a shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed as a trophy
or curiosity,
a whimsical aside.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
in a Trilobite cast,
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over fern fronds
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced my flesh. Not a vestige
of warmth found within
this amorphous scrap
of petrified wood.

No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized.


---------------------------------------
(jeremy edit 1) Thank you

Relic

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a curiosity for visitors
that happen by.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
as a Trilobite cast,
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized.

-----------------------------------------
I thought that I would compose a poem
with four favorite fossils I keep on my desk.
------------------------------------------

-------------------------------
Relic

Immobilized,
a mosquito entombed
in amber, I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a mere curiosity
for visitors to gaze upon.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating frothy seas,
but now I lie
in Trilobite cast,
a land-locked replica
of what I had been.

Only impressions
of my former self persist,
my reflection in mirrors is vague.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
I am impotent mineral
that fossilized.


-----------------------------------------
I thought that I would compose a poem
with four favorite fossils I keep on my desk.
------------------------------------------

[jeremyyoung]

in amber, I sit on her shelf For me the poem starts here.....
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a mere curiosity I'd prefer, 'a curiosity'
for visitors to gaze upon. and 'for visitors'

I recall gilded epochs This is nice
awash in concert,
navigating frothy seas, 'frothy' is superfluous, and I'm guessing beyond the comprehension of a trilobite.
but now I lie
in Trilobite cast, There's something inelegant about these three lines.
a land-locked replica
of what I had been.

Only impressions I'd prefer a more concrete example. rock strata in the wrinkles on your skin?
of my former self persist,
my reflection in mirrors is vague.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
I am impotent mineral
that fossilized.


There are some good ideas in this, and some nice language, but you rather miss a trick by making the poem about the final object, and not the process by which it came to be - the tree sap trapping and encasing the mosquito, isolating it, the sand building up over the trilobite and than solidifying to crush the imprint. 'Petrified' is a very good word.

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you for your time and critique jeremy. You have offered some good advice. I knew that 'frothy' might stick out like a fossilized thumb. I changed that sea adjective three times (foamy might have been in there). I think the line just needs a couple additional syllables. I can do with something else that has more utility. Land-locked may be a tongue-twist too.

Impressions was supposed to be a double entendre, as both a physical mold and human feelings, but the word is a bit passive.

I see what you mean about the process. I have done that with the wood, as petrifying is the replacement of living material with sediment. However, I shall see if I can do some more in that vein. I was probably more focused on including the four fossils than the actual metamorphosis itself. Much obliged for your read./Chris

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy edit 1) is posted, thank you for the help!

[geoff]

hey christopher

(jeremy edit 1) Thank you

Relic

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion, ...the last three lines didn't add much for me; why are these visitors key? It is a question that I don't get an answer to
as a curiosity for visitors
that happen by.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert, ...it could be interesting to contrast this with the "novel finds" of the previous stanza, who, I imagine, don't have a history to recall. regardless, I like the opening to the stanza
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
as a Trilobite cast, ...in some ways, I'm not convinced that I needed to know this was a Trilobite. It's too specific for me and could e addition through subtraction for the piece if it's removed
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.....part of me likes the idea of different "pasts" that is suggested by the "a". However, another part of me feels like the idea here is a too broad

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized. ....like the close

As I was reading this, I wondered if this person "her" is really crucial to the piece. It seems as the poem progresses alright without (even the "visitors" of the first stanza do not come to see the character directly it seems, but just "happen by"). Replacing the pronoun would be easy enough as well ("I sit on a shelf/ among more novel finds...). In fact, it would add a bit of ambiguity to the location--the focus shifts a tad from being about an object in a house to really concentrating on the objects themselves

I liked the idea behind the pieced, but I think the goal (including these various objects) may have driven the wording rather than seeing where the wording itself would lead. The vocabulary is nice and well-suited. That being said, lines are often very direct ("I recall gilded epochs..."a replica of what I had been"..."vestige of warmth is absent") and can force the reader onto the same level of the speaker rather than guiding for interpretation. The times when I wanted to develop my own thoughts on an image or item in the piece, I felt as though I was told how to feel.

A focus on a single object could really make the piece shine for me.

thanks for sharing
-geoff

[Truerenigma]

(jeremy edit 1) Thank you

Relic

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a curiosity for visitors
that happen by.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
as a Trilobite cast,
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized.

-----------------------------------------
I thought that I would compose a poem
with four favorite fossils I keep on my desk.
------------------------------------------

-------------------------------
Relic

Immobilized,
a mosquito entombed
in amber, I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a mere curiosity
for visitors to gaze upon.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating frothy seas,
but now I lie
in Trilobite cast,
a land-locked replica
of what I had been.

Only impressions
of my former self persist,
my reflection in mirrors is vague.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
I am impotent mineral
that fossilized.


-----------------------------------------
I thought that I would compose a poem
with four favorite fossils I keep on my desk.
------------------------------------------

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;

Is the narrator entombed in amber, or is it her?

is absent herein

Is this a legal document? Oh, no ... not another lawsuit!

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy edit 1) Thank you

Relic

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a curiosity for visitors
that happen by.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
as a Trilobite cast,
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized.

-----------------------------------------
I thought that I would compose a poem
with four favorite fossils I keep on my desk.
------------------------------------------

-------------------------------
Relic

Immobilized,
a mosquito entombed
in amber, I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion,
as a mere curiosity
for visitors to gaze upon.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert,
navigating frothy seas,
but now I lie
in Trilobite cast,
a land-locked replica
of what I had been.

Only impressions
of my former self persist,
my reflection in mirrors is vague.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
I am impotent mineral
that fossilized.


-----------------------------------------
I thought that I would compose a poem
with four favorite fossils I keep on my desk.
------------------------------------------

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;

Is the narrator entombed in amber, or is it her?

is absent herein

Is this a legal document? Oh, no ... not another lawsuit!

Thank you for the read and comments trueE. It is he and yes, this is a legal archeological document. Let me see what I can do to tighten up the legalese. Cheers/Chris

---

hey christopher

(jeremy edit 1) Thank you

Relic

Entombed in amber,
I sit on her shelf
among her more novel finds;
displayed on occasion, ...the last three lines didn't add much for me; why are these visitors key? It is a question that I don't get an answer to
as a curiosity for visitors
that happen by.

I recall gilded epochs
awash in concert, ...it could be interesting to contrast this with the "novel finds" of the previous stanza, who, I imagine, don't have a history to recall. regardless, I like the opening to the stanza
navigating clement seas,
but now I lie
as a Trilobite cast, ...in some ways, I'm not convinced that I needed to know this was a Trilobite. It's too specific for me and could e addition through subtraction for the piece if it's removed
a limestone replica
of what I had been.

The wrinkled integument
of my former self persists,
an etching in stratified rock.
Draw fingers over a fern frond
in shale to find outlines
that hint of a past.....part of me likes the idea of different "pasts" that is suggested by the "a". However, another part of me feels like the idea here is a too broad

Passion slowly morphed
into stone, hardened sediment
displaced flesh. Vestige of warmth
is absent herein; amorphous fragment
of petrified wood. No longer pliable
clay in her hands,
existence has fossilized. ....like the close

As I was reading this, I wondered if this person "her" is really crucial to the piece. It seems as the poem progresses alright without (even the "visitors" of the first stanza do not come to see the character directly it seems, but just "happen by"). Replacing the pronoun would be easy enough as well ("I sit on a shelf/ among more novel finds...). In fact, it would add a bit of ambiguity to the location--the focus shifts a tad from being about an object in a house to really concentrating on the objects themselves

I liked the idea behind the pieced, but I think the goal (including these various objects) may have driven the wording rather than seeing where the wording itself would lead. The vocabulary is nice and well-suited. That being said, lines are often very direct ("I recall gilded epochs..."a replica of what I had been"..."vestige of warmth is absent") and can force the reader onto the same level of the speaker rather than guiding for interpretation. The times when I wanted to develop my own thoughts on an image or item in the piece, I felt as though I was told how to feel.

A focus on a single object could really make the piece shine for me.

thanks for sharing
-geoff

Much obliged for this careful critique Geoff. The opening implies that the narrator serves no purpose to her, perhaps relevant to only her visitors (if it benefits her in some way). That 'her' (the ex-wife) could be dropped, I will take a look. Agreed, I purposely include four unique fossils. Restriction to one could benefit the piece, but would require a complete rewrite. I'm not sure if I could capture all concepts herein with a single one. For me, each fossil represented a different aspect of isolation and metamorphosis: amber/trapped, trilobite/a cast replica, fern/a mold or impression, petrified wood/exchange of living traits for mineral (the inanimate). Nonetheless, I do see your point of view Geoff. Thanks for the read, your impressions and suggestions. They are worth considering. Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 2) is posted. As always, I appreciate the help.

[Truerenigma]

(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 2) is posted. As always, I appreciate the help.

My bad,
For some reason I kept reading sit as transitive: entombed in amber, I sit her on the shelf.

I suppose it is because I am always expecting something to happen.

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 2) is posted. As always, I appreciate the help.

My bad,
For some reason I kept reading sit as transitive: entombed in amber, I sit her on the shelf.

I suppose it is because I am always expecting something to happen.

Yes, those fossils don't do very much. Do those two lines read any better edited (i.e., who is in amber in the one line and less legalese in the other)? You know that I always leap into action upon your advice.

[Truerenigma]

[n='ChristopherSea' pid='157495' dateline='1394834452']

(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 2) is posted. As always, I appreciate the help.

My bad,
For some reason I kept reading sit as transitive: entombed in amber, I sit her on the shelf.

I suppose it is because I am always expecting something to happen.

Yes, those fossils don't do very much. Do those two lines read any better edited (i.e., who is in amber in the one line and less legalese in the other)? You know that I always leap into action upon your advice.
[/quote]

You misunderstand. The only reason the amber absurdity existed for me in the first place was because I somehow was switching 'her' with 'on'. That being said, the sentence is strange and awkward. I feels like an inversion, but it's not, because if it was corrected it would sound like the shelf is entombed in amber. It's just weird, awkward, tortured phrasing with 'am' eliminated as if it were some lowly article or prep.

[jeremyyoung]

Currently I am wearing a sandwich board with the slogan 'the end of I'.

I would switch the first line to 'in amber, entombed' to make use of the upbeat of 'in amber' - entombed is too ominous, and has a falling inflection.
Instead of 'I sit', I would draw an image - 'a paperweight on a shelf', 'a carved angel on a shelf' or whatever
'Novel' is a good word, 'finds' less so - maybe 'among her novels' or 'among her novelties'?
I'm not sure it needs the word 'displayed', or 'or', a simple list would be just as good, 'a trophy, a curiousity, a whimsical aside.' gives a nice narrative of you fall from favour, and brings out the pathos of whimsy.

'I recall' whilst conversational, and offering a way into the stanza is *points at sandwich board* 'gilded epochs' is so nice ( neat and precise not in the kitschy sense) - and 'gilded epochs/awash in concert/navigating clement seas'? has this lovely harmonious musical quality, of swimming together, making plans etc... you don't need to recall it for us, you have shown us.
'but', why not 'yet' or 'yon' - see the reverse of my sandwich board for the campaign to bring back yonder - not here, not there, yonder - or just 'now I lie'.
'in a trilobite cast' make it sound like you have had spinal surgery - 'now I lay/trilobite cast/a limestone' etc?.
If you want to keep the last line, removing the 'I' and changing to 'has' might be better.
Part of my thinks, that if you pair the verse down, you will find space for an extra line, or two, about the process and pressures of how you were transformed to the negative. So it isn't, we were happy swimming about and now I'm a fossil - you could use a metaphor like the meteor strike of an affair, or the changing oxygen level of the ocean brought on by career, something that ties into the amber, and builds on it. And, it doesn't have to be something as cliched as the examples I gave, relationships ossify for all kinds of strange reasons.

It's sort of like you are an estate agent showing us round the poem. And pointing out objects of interest. Each of these objects is a poem in themselves, that link together to form a much larger whole.

The other opportunity you are missing is in the scientific language.

I apologise if this comes across as less than encouraging, I know I only covered half the poem, but I don't like rewriting other peoples work, and, well... never mind.... The poem as it stands is fine - it neatly encapsulates the immobility of collections, and this dead/dying relationship. But it could be so much more if you just gave it more breath, and allowed the objects to tell their story.

[ChristopherSea]

[n='ChristopherSea' pid='157495' dateline='1394834452']

(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 2) is posted. As always, I appreciate the help.

My bad,
For some reason I kept reading sit as transitive: entombed in amber, I sit her on the shelf.

I suppose it is because I am always expecting something to happen.

Yes, those fossils don't do very much. Do those two lines read any better edited (i.e., who is in amber in the one line and less legalese in the other)? You know that I always leap into action upon your advice.

You misunderstand. The only reason the amber absurdity existed for me in the first place was because I somehow was switching 'her' with 'on'. That being said, the sentence is strange and awkward. I feels like an inversion, but it's not, because if it was corrected it would sound like the shelf is entombed in amber. It's just weird, awkward, tortured phrasing with 'am' eliminated as if it were some lowly article or prep.
[/quote]

How about:

Entombed in amber,
I am sitting on a shelf
among the more novel finds;

[Truerenigma]

[n='ChristopherSea' pid='157495' dateline='1394834452']

My bad,
For some reason I kept reading sit as transitive: entombed in amber, I sit her on the shelf.

I suppose it is because I am always expecting something to happen.

Yes, those fossils don't do very much. Do those two lines read any better edited (i.e., who is in amber in the one line and less legalese in the other)? You know that I always leap into action upon your advice.

You misunderstand. The only reason the amber absurdity existed for me in the first place was because I somehow was switching 'her' with 'on'. That being said, the sentence is strange and awkward. I feels like an inversion, but it's not, because if it was corrected it would sound like the shelf is entombed in amber. It's just weird, awkward, tortured phrasing with 'am' eliminated as if it were some lowly article or prep.

How about:

Entombed in amber,
I am sitting on a shelf
among the more novel finds;
[/quote]

No. Someone sits on a shelf. He is, or I am, or we are entombed in amber. Be be be. Be and do and be and do

[ChristopherSea]

[n='ChristopherSea' pid='157495' dateline='1394834452']

Yes, those fossils don't do very much. Do those two lines read any better edited (i.e., who is in amber in the one line and less legalese in the other)? You know that I always leap into action upon your advice.

You misunderstand. The only reason the amber absurdity existed for me in the first place was because I somehow was switching 'her' with 'on'. That being said, the sentence is strange and awkward. I feels like an inversion, but it's not, because if it was corrected it would sound like the shelf is entombed in amber. It's just weird, awkward, tortured phrasing with 'am' eliminated as if it were some lowly article or prep.

How about:

Entombed in amber,
I am sitting on a shelf
among the more novel finds;

No. Someone sits on a shelf. He is, or I am, or we are entombed in amber. Be be be. Be and do and be and do
[/quote]

OK, I will try it with no inversion:

I am entombed
in amber, sitting on a shelf
among her more novel finds;

(It works, but puts the narrator before the fossil)

[Truerenigma]

You misunderstand. The only reason the amber absurdity existed for me in the first place was because I somehow was switching 'her' with 'on'. That being said, the sentence is strange and awkward. I feels like an inversion, but it's not, because if it was corrected it would sound like the shelf is entombed in amber. It's just weird, awkward, tortured phrasing with 'am' eliminated as if it were some lowly article or prep.

How about:

Entombed in amber,
I am sitting on a shelf
among the more novel finds;

No. Someone sits on a shelf. He is, or I am, or we are entombed in amber. Be be be. Be and do and be and do

OK, I will try it with no inversion:

I am entombed
in amber, sitting on a shelf
among her more novel finds;

(It works, but puts the narrator before the fossil)
[/quote]

I'm not interested in the fossil. I'm interested in what it has to do with the human experience. I'm not a big fan of sitting though.

Something like: I sit on her shelf among more novel find. I am entombed in amber. But that is listing. Which is what you are doing anyway, I guess.

Maybe something like "I sit entombed in amber on this shelf, among her more novel finds."

---

Even better, I sit in my amber tomb upon her shelf ...

And there's got be a way to show instead of tell more novel find.

---

If you want to remove the narrator, try something other than first-person.

[jeremyyoung]

How about..

She finds I more entombed
in amber, on this shelf among her novels

[ChristopherSea]

Good suggestions folks, I shall work through them for my next edit!

[ChristopherSea]

(jeremy/geoff/trueE edit 3) is posted by way of guidance and exchange with my patient mentors.