Cocktail Edit1.0. For ellajam mostly

[tectak]

Edit 1.0. Some grammar issue.

Bitter-sweet, neat contrivance, a cocktail mix of potioned love.
Ice and lemon? Sugared rim, that Margherita grits then slips
in to a honeyed hirondelle, a swallow gulped, a warm white dove;
a fallacy that trickles deep...a throat so wide, with cushioned lips,
to seal around that other phallus, stirred and risen by her sign.
Here is the heart and here the passion, supped from finger-printed glass.
Spirited, the blood spurts headward. Strangely by some grand design,
thoughts contrarily lack credence; indulgences of flesh surpass
even the need for Margherita, or one more sweet Madeira wine.
tectak
Oban
2014

Original
Bitter-sweet, neat contrivance, a cocktail mix of potioned love.
Ice and lemon? Sugared rim, that Margherita grits then slips
in to a honeyed hirondelle, a swallow gulped, a warm white dove,
a fallacy that trickles deep...a throat so wide, with cushioned lips,
to seal around that other phallus, stirred and risen by the sign.
Here is the heart and here the passion, supped from finger-printed glass;
spirited, the blood spurts headward. Strangely by some grand design,
thoughts contrarily lack credence; indulgences of flesh surpass
even the need for Margherita, or one more sweet Madeira wine.
tectak
Oban
2014

[billy]

i'm not actually sure how to crit this one tom. (what's new you may ask)
is she playing with it or cutting the bugger off

is hrondelle's meaning [swallow]? i ask because of [swallow] which follows it.

i'm out on this one, which doesn't mean it's bad, it just means i'm seeing too much to choose just one avenue of thought.

[tectak]

i'm not actually sure how to crit this one tom. (what's new you may ask)
is she playing with it or cutting the bugger off

is hrondelle's meaning [swallow]? i ask because of [swallow] which follows it.

i'm out on this one, which doesn't mean it's bad, it just means i'm seeing too much to choose just one avenue of thought.

Just a brief encounter in a late open hotel bar. I'm too old for this and almost got er..suckered. And what do you know, she was called Marguerita!
Yes, a play on swallow...it entered my fantasising. Tit wouldn't do it, in spite of erthona's obsessional transference of his thoughts on to mine
Best,
Tectak
(Back next Tuesday)

[ellajam]

Hi, I'm enjoying this, so much so clear but some confusion too. Thanks for posting it, really fun to read. Here are a few notes.

Well titled.

Bitter-sweet, neat contrivance, a cocktail mix of potioned love. I like potioned even if spellcheck doesn't.
Ice and lemon? Sugared rim, that Margherita grits then slips My Margheritas are salt rimmed, but I guess it could be sugar. I like grit/slip
in to a honeyed hirondelle, a swallow gulped, a warm white dove, I'm not sure you need the space between in and to, slips does it. Love the honeyed hirondelle, the two swallows, although white dove is a bit cliche I like it here.
a fallacy that trickles deep...a throat so wide, with cushioned lips, unmistakable image
to seal around that other phallus, stirred and risen by the sign. I'm confused here, did I miss the first phallus that this is the other one? I've gone looking for it but can't find it . For me this didn't work the way people say "the other head". I'm also not sure what you mean by the sign.
Here is the heart and here the passion, supped from finger-printed glass;
spirited, the blood spurts headward. Strangely by some grand design,
thoughts contrarily lack credence; indulgences of flesh surpass
even the need for Margherita, or one more sweet Madeira wine. I'm still thinking about the end lines, I know I like the addition of sweet Madeira.
tectak
Oban
2014

Go, Oban.

[tectak]

Hi, I'm enjoying this, so much so clear but some confusion too. Thanks for posting it, really fun to read. Here are a few notes.

Well titled.

Bitter-sweet, neat contrivance, a cocktail mix of potioned love. I like potioned even if spellcheck doesn't.
Ice and lemon? Sugared rim, that Margherita grits then slips My Margheritas are salt rimmed, but I guess it could be sugar. I like grit/slip
in to a honeyed hirondelle, a swallow gulped, a warm white dove, I'm not sure you need the space between in and to, slips does it. Love the honeyed hirondelle, the two swallows, although white dove is a bit cliche I like it here.
a fallacy that trickles deep...a throat so wide, with cushioned lips, unmistakable image
to seal around that other phallus, stirred and risen by the sign. I'm confused here, did I miss the first phallus that this is the other one? I've gone looking for it but can't find it . For me this didn't work the way people say "the other head". I'm also not sure what you mean by the sign.
Here is the heart and here the passion, supped from finger-printed glass;
spirited, the blood spurts headward. Strangely by some grand design,
thoughts contrarily lack credence; indulgences of flesh surpass
even the need for Margherita, or one more sweet Madeira wine. I'm still thinking about the end lines, I know I like the addition of sweet Madeira.
tectak
Oban
2014

Go, Oban.

Getting too clever and falling down....the FALLAC-Y, is numero uno. The OTHER is PHALLUS!
Yes....I thought it weird when she asked for sugar-rimming but the cocktail barman took it all in his stride...bitter sweet was his comment not mine.
I will STILL work on this one.
Present
I potion
you potion
he/she/it potions
we potion
you potion
they potion

preterite
I potioned
you potioned
he/she/it potioned
we potioned
you potioned
they potioned

Yep...it's a word, all righty!
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

I feel as though I fell down the rabbit hole, and stupidly drank the bottle that said drink me. But onward and downward with the critique, such as it is. This poem reminds me of an opera, which had a story for the sole purpose of being a vehicle for all the songs. In this case replace songs with puns, double entendre, et al, and I think you have basically the same thing. It seems so invested in being clever that it forgets to do much else.
--------------------------------------------------------
Well, into the breach, or maybe onto the beach? I'm not quite sure which.

So let me get this straight

"Sugared rim, that Margherita (a daisy) grits then slips
in to a honeyed hirondelle (swallow) , a swallow gulped,"

So a daisy gives you a sugared rim job (were you out in the field taking a dump and just decided to make use of the poor flower for your own gratification?) and then a yellow-brown breasted swallow eats it?

I'm still not sure why "a swallow gulped, a warm white dove" wouldn't that be a form of cannibalism? Are you turning into Milo?


Tom Kaboom,
What shrooms
were you on?

"fallacy" "phallus" I think we know the only fallacy here is that you still have one that can stand on its own.

Well in the final analysis, whatever catamaran you're on, I'd certainly like to take a trip on it, just as long as I don't have to answer any question from the guardian of the bridge about swallows!

"Tit wouldn't do it, in spite of erthona's obsessional transference of his thoughts on to mine"
Tit for tat...it does get under the skin!

Dale

[tectak]

Tom,

I feel as though I fell down the rabbit hole, and stupidly drank the bottle that said drink me. But onward and downward with the critique, such as it is. This poem reminds me of an opera, which had a story for the sole purpose of being a vehicle for all the songs. In this case replace songs with puns, double entendre, et al, and I think you have basically the same thing. It seems so invested in being clever that it forgets to do much else.
--------------------------------------------------------
Well, into the breach, or maybe onto the beach? I'm not quite sure which.

So let me get this straight

"Sugared rim, that Margherita (a daisy) grits then slips
in to a honeyed hirondelle (swallow) , a swallow gulped,"

So a daisy gives you a sugared rim job (were you out in the field taking a dump and just decided to make use of the poor flower for your own gratification?) and then a yellow-brown breasted swallow eats it?

I'm still not sure why "a swallow gulped, a warm white dove" wouldn't that be a form of cannibalism? Are you turning into Milo?


Tom Kaboom,
What shrooms
were you on?

"fallacy" "phallus" I think we know the only fallacy here is that you still have one that can stand on its own.

Well in the final analysis, whatever catamaran you're on, I'd certainly like to take a trip on it, just as long as I don't have to answer any question from the guardian of the bridge about swallows!

"Tit wouldn't do it, in spite of erthona's obsessional transference of his thoughts on to mine"
Tit for tat...it does get under the skin!

Dale

So you licked it then?Sorry...liked it?
Best,
tectak.
Shit...I AM glad you're around.

[Erthona]

Yes, I licked it very much, but now my tongue's all bumpy! Enjoy your trip.

Dale