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Since I'm a beginner you could critique to the max..
Lost in the sound
of your palpitating chest
Admiring the beauty
of the song it plays.
Lost in the rhythm that goes
one, two, three, four,
dash, infinity.
Thanks for taking your time to look at this short poem...
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06-29-2010, 11:28 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-29-2010, 11:28 AM by billy.)
i like you
does it need "i'm" on the 1st line or can we assume it's the poet?
beauty as a word should only be used as a very very last resort in a poem, as should love, hate and a host of other words
i really like the poem Therrin. not much as far as i can see that needs changing.
thanks for the read.
a poem should always have a title. even if it's a makeshift title which is going to be changed at a later day.
the above is all JMO.
Posts: 7
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(06-29-2010, 11:28 AM)billy Wrote: i like you
does it need "i'm" on the 1st line or can we assume it's the poet?
beauty as a word should only be used as a very very last resort in a poem, as should love, hate and a host of other words
i really like the poem Therrin. not much as far as i can see that needs changing.
thanks for the read.
a poem should always have a title. even if it's a makeshift title which is going to be changed at a later day.
the above is all JMO.
yay lol thx man and yes we can assume its the poet i just do that without thinking lol... and okay i will find another word for beauty and ill think of a title...
btw what is this language u speak hahaha JMO? what that?
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it stand's for Just My Opinion
it shows that what's said is only one persons thought and not
something that's written in stone, or something that has to be followed.
a bit like a POV point of view lol
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(06-29-2010, 11:36 AM)billy Wrote: it stand's for Just My Opinion
it shows that what's said is only one persons thought and not
something that's written in stone, or something that has to be followed.
a bit like a POV point of view lol
hahaha alrighty then man and you got me there for a brief second. i was like POV? then you said point of view and it was like i was illuminated lol!! cool thx man
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I think the comments are pretty spot on. Change that one word beauty will already improve this poem tenfold
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
