Until

[PAX]

Let's fly, take a bird's eye view
My truth is my reason outside of you
So Locke it up 'with the consent of the governed,' our natural right
Believe and think freely, this life doesn't come without a fight
With different priorities to eliminate a historical mistake
Why the need to segregate within a supposed united state
Of allegiance to the people, so prevent the sequel
No need to see us bleed to know that we are equal
We have aspirations to prosper to our final days
And praise to whom ever to cope with this maze
In placed by those who corrupt it, we had enough of it
Tired of puppets findin loops in the laws just to stay above it
Where is the justice? It's just us, weren't you here to serve
Now swayed by special interests you choose to preserve
I get it, we are born into our own destinies
Rich counting riches while I was polishing of my two pennies
I dodge the sickle of hunger, it's not a game
It's a shame you got enough millions to spend on a campaign
But donating it to fix just one global issue
Is not something someone like you would pursue
I am, number one is the fam the rest for the clan
Puff, puff pass with the right hand
Or we could go left, but please let's not go wrong
It does not take enlightenment to overstand the lyrics to H. I. M. song
We give power to those who take it, who now are afraid
To have to go to work for minimal pay and wait
For the next check to decide what is needed
While vanity consumes the market to feed the conceded
Is your self-consciousness more important than your conscientiousness
To challenge each hypothesis considering now all of our knowledges
Leave it to a vote so you could feel democratic
Do not forget that the republic is the strength of this demographic
The population, the people aware and capable
To come together to fix all the crap you made unstable
Fighting hasn't resolved it because you can't accept defeat
Choose to live another day, yet you come back with heat
Acknowledge your brother respect every potential mother
Be easy, today it was me but tomorrow we'll have another
Please for once can peace be the piece of history to repeat
Oh yes we all once lived in agreeance till greed conceived deceit
Our economy is accomplice of all these gyps
When was the last that you opened a full bag of chips
Tryin not to get explicit on something so simple
Don't get it, don't like it, give it thumbs down then you're the thimble
I'm the nimble one just attempting to share a thought
That's not so far off
Never too late to embrace your free will
It's your fate and your place until...

[rowens]

Mostly it's just a rambling thing. There isn't that much to critique about it. It seems commonplace. If this is the kind of thing you want to do then that's all right. And a bag of corn chips is sometimes almost to the very top of the bag. It depends on the brand, I guess.

[geoff]

Hello PAX,

Before getting into the piece, one thing I noticed is the emphasis on rhyme in the writing. Something that often helps to make rhyme feel natural while maintaining a rhythm is meter. Here is a thread by Leanne which really does a pretty good explanation of meter on the off chance it is something you are interested in exploring.
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=12023 I'm not going to say it is the easiest structure to follow, but I think that, for a piece like this, it could prove helpful.

Let's fly, take a bird's eye view
My truth is my reason outside of you ...I like this ownership of "truth" and idea that it can be possessed, while also suggesting that multiple "truths exist
So Locke it up 'with the consent of the governed,' our natural right
Believe and think freely, this life doesn't come without a fight
With different priorities to eliminate a historical mistake
Why the need to segregate within a supposed united state
Of allegiance to the people, so prevent the sequel
No need to see us bleed to know that we are equal...to this point, there are many ideas and abstractions going on. However, there is little for the imagination to grab on to. This is where images and wording that caters to the senses are key; otherwise, it can be difficult to keep up with the speaker. I can understand what is being said, but it is hard to get invested in it
We have aspirations to prosper to our final days
And praise to whom ever to cope with this maze
In placed by those who corrupt it, we had enough of it
Tired of puppets findin loops in the laws just to stay above it
Where is the justice? It's just us, weren't you here to serve
Now swayed by special interests you choose to preserve
I get it, we are born into our own destinies
Rich counting riches while I was polishing of my two pennies
I dodge the sickle of hunger, it's not a game
It's a shame you got enough millions to spend on a campaign
But donating it to fix just one global issue
Is not something someone like you would pursue
I am, number one is the fam the rest for the clan
Puff, puff pass with the right hand
Or we could go left, but please let's not go wrong
It does not take enlightenment to overstand the lyrics to H. I. M. song
We give power to those who take it, who now are afraid
To have to go to work for minimal pay and wait
For the next check to decide what is needed
While vanity consumes the market to feed the conceded
Is your self-consciousness more important than your conscientiousness
To challenge each hypothesis considering now all of our knowledges
Leave it to a vote so you could feel democratic
Do not forget that the republic is the strength of this demographic
The population, the people aware and capable
To come together to fix all the crap you made unstable
Fighting hasn't resolved it because you can't accept defeat
Choose to live another day, yet you come back with heat
Acknowledge your brother respect every potential mother
Be easy, today it was me but tomorrow we'll have another
Please for once can peace be the piece of history to repeat
Oh yes we all once lived in agreeance till greed conceived deceit
Our economy is accomplice of all these gyps
When was the last that you opened a full bag of chips
Tryin not to get explicit on something so simple
Don't get it, don't like it, give it thumbs down then you're the thimble
I'm the nimble one just attempting to share a thought
That's not so far off
Never too late to embrace your free will
It's your fate and your place until...

My earlier points hold true for a lot of this. It feels like a performance piece to me; delivered in the right manner, I'm sure it could have a strong effect. That being said, I'd like to see the words stand a bit stronger on their own merit. The changes in line length are a bit of a distraction when being read, as well as the emphasis on rhymes. This, again, is where meter can be helpful.

Another suggestion I have would be to vary the line breaks; ending lines in places where the sentence or a clause itself does not actually end. For example:

Instead of: "In placed by those who corrupt it, we had enough of it"

Altering the line to: "In place by those who corrupt it, we had
Enough of it...."

and adjusting the rhymes as needed. It's a why to maintain a rhyme scheme while making it less blunt.

Finally, this poem does strike me as being preachy, often turning into a rant or lecture on the topic. Is there a way to show how you're feeling rather than telling us? Again, engaging the senses is the way to get the reader involved. The more the reader gets involved and is able to form ideas independently, the stronger the piece is going to feel.

Let me know your thoughts.

-geoff

[PAX]

Hello Geoff,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work, that alone is greatly appreciated. You are very correct, this is a performance piece and is meant to be written in a "soap-boxy" type way. I looked at the link you provided about meter and have considered its use, but for these specific lyrics the sporadic use of rhyme in the midst of thought was to mimic that of a bird in flight (i.e. fluent, soaring, choppy flaps), as the first line hints. I realize that it is difficult to keep up with and can cause distractions for most, but that is the exact tone I was attempting to captivate. When I first began writing I used the meter technique, but felt it limited the creativity one could explore with while writing poetic art. I have adapted from that to allow myself the freedom to challenge myself to break from formatting and structure to catch flight and share a bird's eye view. Thank you again for your comments, each one was greatly considered!!