Prayer to the Dark Face

[heslopian]

To hasty dabblers in shock: beware,
this magic bleeds through flowers, rain and stone.
The quiet skies are merely painted rooves,
floating above each creed of human scum.

The Dark Face lives, on its throne of coal,
behind each altar built for those features,
regardance and worship of their lifeline.
You might call it a mask, though it's empty.

Take hands, or if without companions stand,
your arms spread like an elder martyred sage.
The Face is coming, coming, here. It says...
"do what thou wilt, do what thou wilt."

***

The last line is taken from Aleister Crowley's dictum: "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law."

[Erthona]

Well I have read this several times, I know all the words expect "rooves" which I think is maybe an archaic use of "roofs"? I've heard people use the term but I have never seen it written. I suspect it's in the unabridged OED but no where else. Unfortunately I no longer have access to one so I can only guess. "dabblers in shock" I would normally take as being someone like Miley Cyrus, but you insert the hasty before it, so that makes me think of the 24 hour news media. The magic used by the media "bleeds through flowers, rain and stone." Poisons in some way maybe? Although I can parse out the first stanza, I'm not at all sure what the first two lines have to do with the next two lines. The second stanza I get nothing, I don't know who the dark face is, but it seems we are in a different metaphor than the first stanza. I understand what the words say, I just have no clue as to what they are suppose to be referencing. Maybe you can explain it to me, just a hasty dabble will do.

Dale

[heslopian]

The Dark Face is Satan, or maybe just some Lovecraftian god. The poem was inspired, I guess, by Dennis Wheatley's The Satanist, a novel which alludes to Crowley's dictum several times. I wrote it as a hasty little dabble in occult writing. You flatter me by suggesting depths beyond that!
The basic narrative, as I see it, is this: someone is reading a spell from an ancient, evil book in order to accrue power for themselves. The third and fourth lines of the first stanza relate to their predecessors, in my mind, because they continue the theme of a reality behind reality. Magic bleeds through flowers, rain and stones, and the sky is a roof between this reality and that, "that" being the one which bleeds through. I hope I haven't tripped myself up with that explanation, such as it is...
"Rooves", I assumed, was the standard British English plural for "roof". Thank you for your in-depth comment, Erthona

[Erthona]

It's been years since I've read any of that sort of stuff. The first stanza pulls a little more into focus now. It's kind of hard to take those few degrees of turn then step into that reality, it takes a lot of mental energy (rhyme unintentional). You almost have to enter a schizophrenic state of conscious to be able to comment on this meaningfully. I'm not there today.I will say it has the right sort of tone, a mild sort of arrogance and condescension that makes the speakers voice seem genuine. Beyond that I can not go.

dale

[cidermaid]

Hi Jack, I like this one a lot in terms of concept story, but I get a bit lost in a couple of places. (Overall I'm reading a sort of unspoken screwtape message to those who dabble in the dark arts - the dark face is in anticipation of fruitful lies). But the narator is confused to my read. Is it satan himself speaking - one of his underlings (a screwtape voice) or is there a voice of warning narrator? I feel that you need to sharpen up the persona of your voice - i did not know if the dabler (potentially me) was being mocked or warned my a voice of confession of one who has experianced first hand... or is this encouragement to dive on in!.
I hope you do choose to work this one further - I like it.

Not a big fan of the title at the moment. (But this is because of my issue with the narrative voice)

To hasty dabblers in shock: beware, I need a bit more for the shock to work or be understood...I think you make the dabler too naive and innocent with this. I think it is actually not needed as the word dabllers suplies enough. They can then be naive and in for a nasty shock or well versed in dark arts but lacking experiance to control the power - it will leave me as a reader to surmise my own image. If i'm told they are shocked it leaves me wanting the sub story...which then might make the read tedious with details
this magic bleeds through flowers, rain and stone. Is this needed?
The quiet skies are merely painted rooves, I think you might have missed a trick here with rooves (I'm British I do rooves - so fine!. However the sky as a roof is a bit cliche for me)..but I read your rooves the first time as roods just because I wasn't fully awake and my mind slotted this in - this would give a layered meaning - distance multiplied, rood screen (seperation of the spiritual from that which is not - just an idea for you to chew over
floating above each creed of human scum.

The Dark Face lives, on its throne of coal, This whole stanza is not delivering it feels weak, but I sort of get the idea - I would perfer inhabits a throne of coal..although the throne of coal is not really exciting me much. I like the idea of him being found in a dark seam (of coal) reflecting many altars or the dark face wearing a crown of coal, but I think this line / whole stanza needs a re-work to sharpen it up
behind each altar built for those features,
regardance and worship of their lifeline.
You might call it a mask, though it's empty. I like the behind the veil of darkness the mask is empty image

Take hands, or if without companions stand,
your arms spread like an elder martyred sage.
The Face is coming, coming, here. It says...
"do what thou wilt, do what thou wilt." Think this is your strongest stanza and feel you should work back off this point to get the rest of the poem to line up with this voice more coherantly - I read this voice as the servant of the dark face, encouraging junior dabblers in the dark arts to enter in to his realm.

***

The last line is taken from Aleister Crowley's dictum: "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law."

[heslopian]

Thank you for your incredibly in-depth, honest and kind feedback, cidermaid; I read it all and it's invaluable. You've clarified so much of what I feel about myself as an amateur poet. I write and I expect others to understand, even though I chide that attitude in others! Thank you for being patient enough to dissect this piece, and your compliments are very comforting. To me, the whole poem is text in a textbook; someone is reading it, much as Catholics read written prayers and rituals.