A woman's Love

[Erthona]

To many aches in this body,
too much distance in this abode,
too long hanging on this edge,
has broken me until I’m whole.

Can you feel my love, though distance?
yours I can’t, although you say,
your love for me is ever subtle,
while my life fades away.

Love, the cut of a paper,
though many more times as deep,
deep freeze-dried, un-cried tears,
are the only kind you’ll weep.

What is it, that you carry,
from the trial of untried paths?
Me you keep from wandering off,
a nettles sting, sadistic staff.

In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you’ve broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep.

Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove:
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love?

[newsclippings]

To many aches in this body, too?
too much distance in this abode,
too long hanging on this edge,
has broken me until I’m whole.

Can you feel my love, though distance?through?
yours I can’t, although you say,
your love for me is ever subtle,
while my life fades away. The say and away rhyme feels cheap. Purposely?

Love, the cut of a paper,
though many more times as deep, word clutter
deep freeze-dried, un-cried tears,
are the only kind you’ll weep. another weird rhyme

What is it, that you carry,
from the trial of untried paths?
Me you keep from wandering off,
a nettles sting, sadistic staff.

In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you’ve broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep.

Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove:
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love?

Happy Valentine's Day?

---

The last three stanzas are much better than the first three. I'd like to see how you respond first before I continue on with my opinions.

---

Also why isn't "woman's" capitalized?

[billy]

it felt a bit wordy in places, and in all honesty i didn't feel a lot of emotion in it. (though i did get a laugh from the putt you down part)

thanks for the read dale.

To many aches in this body,
too much distance in this abode,
too long hanging on this edge,
has broken me until I’m whole. as in when you're in love you share yourself? at first it didn't work for me but it does now.

Can you feel my love, though distance? through distance or though distant?
yours I can’t, although you say,
your love for me is ever subtle,
while my life fades away.

Love, the cut of a paper, why not just [Love, a paper cut]
though many more times as deep, a bit wordy
deep freeze-dried, un-cried tears,
are the only kind you’ll weep.

What is it, that you carry,
from the trial of untried paths?
Me you keep from wandering off,
a nettles sting, sadistic staff. staff or stuff?

In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you’ve broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep. i don't know why but this part made me laugh.

Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove:
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love? this verse is a bit cheesy but i like it for that reason. love and the lack of it can be that way at times

[Erthona]

"Also why isn't "woman's" capitalized?" Oversight.

"too?" correct, typo. Good catch.

"though distance?" Should "though distant" good catch.

"The say and away rhyme feels cheap. Purposely?" What do you mean by "cheap"? Do you mean trite?

"word clutter" I would say awkward phrasing, is that what you mean?

"another weird rhyme" How so?

"I'd like to see how you respond first before I continue on with my opinions."

What I would like from you is to tell me your rationale. Such as, if a rhyme is "cheap" what do you mean by that and why is it not a good thing? I appreciate the time you have already spent with this, and if you don't want to spend more time that's fine. However, besides being more beneficial to me, I think it would help you become a better critic. Becoming a better critic also helps you become a better poet, since no one will critique your work more than yourself.


Thanks,

Dale

[newsclippings]

"Also why isn't "woman's" capitalized?" Oversight.

"too?" correct, typo. Good catch.

"though distance?" Should "though distant" good catch.

"The say and away rhyme feels cheap. Purposely?" What do you mean by "cheap"? Do you mean trite?

"word clutter" I would say awkward phrasing, is that what you mean?

"another weird rhyme" How so?

"I'd like to see how you respond first before I continue on with my opinions."

What I would like from you is to tell me your rationale. Such as, if a rhyme is "cheap" what do you mean by that and why is it not a good thing? I appreciate the time you have already spent with this, and if you don't want to spend more time that's fine. However, besides being more beneficial to me, I think it would help you become a better critic. Becoming a better critic also helps you become a better poet, since no one will critique your work more than yourself.


Thanks,

Dale

Cheap. Like you drove a low bargain for words. I said weird because I didn't want to repeat "cheap."

Word clutter. Means it feels cluttered. Not awkward so much as there is too much.

[Erthona]

Billy,

A lot of your comments go to why is it this way. The woman is a somewhat uneducated, dependent personality, and in love with an abusive guy who does not give her love, just uses her for his own gratification. It is written as it is, awkwardness and all because these are her thoughts.

"i don't know why but this part made me laugh." It made you laugh because you are a sick little boy!

No probably because "do the deed" generally carries the connotation of fucking someone you don't really want to, so you "do the deed". However, in this case it does not mean that.

Thanks for your comments,

Dale

---

"Cheap. Like you drove a low bargain for words. I said weird because I didn't want to repeat "cheap."
Word clutter. Means it feels cluttered. Not awkward so much as there is too much."

Thanks, I'll consider those in the re-write.


Dale

[Erthona]

BF,

Thanks for your comments.

"(this line confused me as the prior line ended in "deep" and this line begins the same way;"

That's a valid point, probably need to change that.
-------------------------------------------------------
"(should nettles be possessive?)"

Good catch, yes that should be possessive.
---------------------------------------------------------

Distance refers to emotional distance, not physical. This is about a woman in an abusive relationship who finally cracks,

"too long hanging on this edge,
has broken me until I’m whole."

and she kills him:

"In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you’ve broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep."

By doing so she "steals" his love.

"Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove:
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love?"

She, who was once a dove, "prey", now becomes a falcon, "predator". In other words the roles reverse.

I had thought this was fairly clear, but from the comments I am getting, it seems that it is not from all of the comments. I guess I will set it aside for awhile, and then see what I can do to make it more clear, and maybe less "meh"

dale

[tomoffing]

Nice work Dale,
Not too overbearing for a generally confronting subject.

couple of thoughts below. looking forward to an edit of this

To many aches in this body,
too much distance in this abode, good opening, simple but immediately captures intent
too long hanging on this edge, I don't like hanging here, it has stationary and relaxed (paintings and hammocks) connotations that conflict with your next line. Perhaps perched? that would connect with your falcon/dove imagery later too
has broken me until I’m whole.

Can you feel my love, though distance? as mentioned re distant. also, what is your intent with the comma? It accentuates "my love" as a direct address. It fits with this line, but that double meaning muddles the stanza overall for me.
yours I can’t, although you say,
your love for me is ever subtle,
while my life fades away.
too many commas and your phrasing make these three lines stutter slightly. id replace with something like,
"yours I can't, although you say
it's a love that's ever subtle,
while my life is fading away"

Love, the cut of a paper,
though many more times as deep,
deep freeze-dried, un-cried tears, I like the deep repetition here, its a strong sound and allows the paper image to run into the tears.
are the only kind you’ll weep. excellent stanza overall

What is it, that you carry,
from the trial of untried paths?
Me you keep from wandering off,
a nettles sting, sadistic staff. excellent again (possessive nettles)

In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you've broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep. with the direct address in the previous line should this be future tense? "I'll do the deed".

Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove: great image
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love?

[71degrees]

To many aches in this body,
too much distance in this abode,
too long hanging on this edge,
has broken me until I’m whole.

Can you feel my love, though distance?
yours I can’t, although you say,
your love for me is ever subtle,
while my life fades away.

Love, the cut of a paper,
though many more times as deep,
deep freeze-dried, un-cried tears,
are the only kind you’ll weep.

What is it, that you carry,
from the trial of untried paths?
Me you keep from wandering off,
a nettles sting, sadistic staff.

In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you’ve broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep.

Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove:
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love?

Most of the grammatical and/or usage problems have been pointed out so I won't comment there except to say I could take your stuff more seriously if I knew you were taking that extra five minutes to edit some of this stuff on your own.

What I see here is a rather male take of a relationship that's rather one sided, both emotionally, physically and psychologically. Now maybe that's what you wanted. If so…congratulations.

It's filled w/two bit images (e.g. "deep, freeze-dried paper cuts" / "a strong steed who's not a creep") that cheapens what is an honest effort to present a one sided relationship in an intelligent and meaningful presentation. These images gives the poem a dime store novel atmosphere of the 1950's mantra of "When Men were Men, and Women were Women." The rhyme scheme doesn't do anything for me either. A free verse take on the same subject would do wonders to allow me to take this more seriously.

There are some valid points trying to be made in this poem, I think. But….there are too many obstacles for me.

[Erthona]

71,

Thanks for the feedback.

I was a counselor for 20+ years and you would be surprised how many of these abusive relationships were exactly like the fifties "When Men were Men, and Women were Women." Most of the abused women I encountered were very much dependent personality disorders. They would often stick with the guy until he killed them, on other occasions the woman would finally snap and kill the guy. Thus the line

"has broken me until I’m whole."

Actually the "creep" line should be "creak", thanks for catching the typo. I'll correct it.

Thanks again,

dale

---

Tom,

"as mentioned re distant. also, what is your intent with the comma? It accentuates "my love" as a direct address. It fits with this line, but that double meaning muddles the stanza overall for me. "

Yes, there are some things I need to change to make it clearer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"with the direct address in the previous line should this be future tense? "I'll do the deed". No I think it is all in present tense, that was my idea anyway. It is happening as she speaks, she is killing him.

Thanks for the good comments, will take under advisement when I do the re-write,

Thanks much,

Dale