(warning: expletives) Six Years of Differences

[MadisonDiem]

Six Years of Differences

You might as well be half his age
for all you know
about life
and Kont
and Nietzche
or whatever the fuck it is
don’t wrap yourself up in him that way
why are you trying to end your life
before it's even begun?

You don’t need to ‘make it’
some equational bullshit combination
of your college sweetheart
and two-point-six or so squalling messes
and an oven that never stops

You don’t even like to bake
that’s how full of shit you are
are you that afraid no one wants you?
that you’ll never love again?

You are fire
and he is only the first
so if he tries to drown you
let him burn
and go on

Note: Mispellings Misspellings of Kant and Nietzsche are intentional.

[rowens]

What about the misspelling of misspellings?

[MadisonDiem]

What about the misspelling of misspellings?

*sigh*

I'm just here to improve every day in every way.. Especially on misspellings.

[rowens]

And the it's?

[MadisonDiem]

Thanks! Do you have any other feedback besides my its/it's issue?

[rowens]

I might. But they're getting ready to kick me out and I don't want to start yet if I can't finish.

[Erthona]

I understand that "Kant and Nietzsche are intentionally' misspelled. What I don't understand is why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe I'm being dense, but I don't get what

"some equational bullshit combination
of your college sweetheart
and two-point-six or so squalling messes"
---------------------------------------------------------
The metaphor seems a tad convoluted here:

"You are fire
and he is only the first
so if he tries to drown you
let him burn
and go on"

"Shouldn't it be burn him and then go?" Or if you mean burn with lust, I think you need to make that more clear. As of now, for me anyway, it seems ambiguous.
----------------------------------------------------------

Overall, I would like to see this fleshed out more, so we can see more of the person and situation you are talking about. This basically comes across like one side of a telephone conversation, with the reader having no idea with who the speaker is speaking, what their background is, or what the speaker's relationship to them is.


Best,

Dale

[billy]

I might. But they're getting ready to kick me out and I don't want to start yet if I can't finish.

use the pm for chatting please, or the pig's arse

---

i enjoyed the read, the finding out why kant and co were misspelled. the poem felt as though it started mid stream and many do, i just felt there should be something more before the first line. still i enjoyed it. looking forward to more..i see you already left some feedback elsewhere. :J:

thanks for the read.

Six Years of Differences

You might as well be half his age
for all you know
about life
and Kont kont?
and Nietzche
or whatever the fuck it is now i get it, a suggestion would be [or whoever the fuck]
don’t wrap yourself up in him that way
why are you trying to end your life
before it's even begun?

You don’t need to ‘make it’
some equational bullshit combination
of your college sweetheart
and two-point-six or so squalling messes
and an oven that never stops i like this line, it sounds like a death knell.

You don’t even like to bake
that’s how full of shit you are
are you that afraid no one wants you?
that you’ll never love again? this line felt weak

You are fire
and he is only the first
so if he tries to drown you
let him burn a suggestion would be [so burn him]
and go on

Note: Mispellings Misspellings of Kant and Nietzsche are intentional.

[rowens]

You might as well be half his age
for all you know
about life
and Kont
and Nietzche
or whatever the fuck it is
don’t wrap yourself up in him that way
why are you trying to end your life
before it's even begun?


The first part seems all right. It sounds like the way someone would talk. The two names could be in italics, unless you think that messes up the program of italicizing you have going on with half. It could work like you have it, or you could say: or however you say it. Something like that. The why are you trying to end your life line isn't all that good.


You don’t need to ‘make it’
some equational bullshit combination
of your college sweetheart
and two-point-six or so squalling messes
and an oven that never stops

You don’t even like to bake
that’s how full of shit you are
are you that afraid no one wants you?
that you’ll never love again?

Those two stanzas almost come out all right. The make it and the lack of punctuation make the equation confusing in a good way. But that's what I say. Others probably won't think that, including you.


You are fire
and he is only the first
so if he tries to drown you
let him burn
and go on


The last stanza seems like something the person speaking this poem might say, but altogether there isn't much to it.

And if people want chats in the Pig's Arse like the Reply above suggests, that's not my fault.

[MadisonDiem]

I understand that "Kant and Nietzsche are intentionally' misspelled. What I don't understand is why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe I'm being dense, but I don't get what

"some equational bullshit combination
of your college sweetheart
and two-point-six or so squalling messes"
---------------------------------------------------------
The metaphor seems a tad convoluted here:

"You are fire
and he is only the first
so if he tries to drown you
let him burn
and go on"

"Shouldn't it be burn him and then go?" Or if you mean burn with lust, I think you need to make that more clear. As of now, for me anyway, it seems ambiguous.
----------------------------------------------------------

Overall, I would like to see this fleshed out more, so we can see more of the person and situation you are talking about. This basically comes across like one side of a telephone conversation, with the reader having no idea with who the speaker is speaking, what their background is, or what the speaker's relationship to them is.


Best,

Dale

- The names are misspelled to indicate a sort of frustration with one's own ignorance, when combined with the following line especially. Speaker is younger and feels insecure about that.
- '2.6 or so squalling messes' refers to the average number of children that people want to have, altogether it is the idea of a 'perfect' life.
- I see what you're saying here; if the speaker is the fire, why is the subject the one 'left to burn'? I phrased it that way to mean abandoning him in a more present state of destruction, I suppose. Also considering how fire spreads..
- I was hoping the title would make the relationship pretty clear when combined with the first line. There are six years of differences, she might as well be half his age for her naivety. Previous readers had the same issue so I added the italics to hopefully make it clearer. I'll consider. Hopefully using some of the other feedback will help me make things more obvious while still keeping it tight. Thanks for your comments!

i enjoyed the read, the finding out why kant and co were misspelled. the poem felt as though it started mid stream and many do, i just felt there should be something more before the first line. still i enjoyed it. looking forward to more..i see you already left some feedback elsewhere. :J:

thanks for the read.

[or whoever the fuck] - That is more grammatically correct and seems to fit, but it doesn't quite have the honestly and frustration that this poem came from. I'll see if I can find a happy medium.

i like this line, it sounds like a death knell. - thank you! I wanted it to be the sense of being caught into a life that wasn't truly wanted, so that's definitely the right reaction.

that you’ll never love again? -> this line felt weak - I agree, I've had a lot of different edits for that. Originally it was more personal descriptions of the subject, I might revisit that.

a suggestion would be [so burn him] - Same suggestion as above, I agree it's a bit odd. I think 'so leave him to burn' might be what I'm looking for..

Thank you for the thoughts

The first part seems all right. It sounds like the way someone would talk. The two names could be in italics, unless you think that messes up the program of italicizing you have going on with half. It could work like you have it, or you could say: or however you say it. Something like that. The why are you trying to end your life line isn't all that good.

Those two stanzas almost come out all right. The make it and the lack of punctuation make the equation confusing in a good way. But that's what I say. Others probably won't think that, including you.

The last stanza seems like something the person speaking this poem might say, but altogether there isn't much to it.

I agree about that line being not all that good, its cliched and weak. Noted.

I see the confusion now, and I agree that I don't like it. I may consider adding more punctuation, I just don't want it to sound too prose-y.

Most of the poem is self deprecating and negative, while the last stanza is self affirming and hopeful. I'd like to think there's an obvious turn here, am I wrong?

Thanks for the feedback.

[rowens]

Is she talking to herself?
The last lines together with the rest of the poem aren't much. It sounds like someone talking and not much else. But that's the way this poem works, what else do you think you could do with it?

[MadisonDiem]

Yeah, this is all self-directed for the speaker.

Is your problem with the last stanza the shortness? I don't understand what you mean when say it 'sounds like someone talking and not much else'. Is the meaning not coming through for you? Does the metaphor not make sense? It may not be wordy, but the argument is still there, I think.

[rowens]

It makes sense. You can leave the poem as it is if you want. It's somebody talking like something they'd think quickly and go on. If you don't want to add anything or change anything, there's nothing wrong with it. If that's the kind of poem you want, that's all right.

[MadisonDiem]

Hmm, that's not really what I'm going for. I reckon it sounds a bit different when spoken aloud, I think I'll work on the punctuation to make the intonation and pacing better there. Thanks for the thought!