Bullets of the Mind

[Mikeodial]

Bullets of the Mind v2

Most bullets leave without instruction
racing past, just thoughts in a day.
Not mine
for I am a sniper,
stalking my targets with intention and desire.

I am a mark,
full of purposeful bullets,
perhaps good or evil. Mostly evil.
Fully dependent on telescopic sights and cold stone nerves.

I need my quiet to make a kill
as my victim falls aimlessly to the ground,
for others to mourn and collect.
I reflect on the outcome as random thoughts collect themselves
loading bullets for the next verbal assassination.



Original


Bullets leave without instructions,
mostly without intention.
Randomly passing harmlessly,
leaving only a whistle to indicate death was close.

The turmoil of war, unlike Hollywood,
is chaotic, perhaps good fortune determining outcomes;
enemies undistinguished from friends,
hate or love removed from a game seemingly played by Greek Gods of War.

In this decision making hell
I rely entirely on instinct,
those who I think are my friends,
and God.

[bena]

While the title was intriguing, the rest of the poem didn't live up to it for me. Here's a breakdown:

Bullets of the Mind

Bullets leave without instructions, mostly without intention. Randomly passing harmlessly,
leaving only a whistle to indicate death was close.
The turmoil of war, unlike Hollywood,
is chaotic, perhaps good fortune determining outcomes;
enemies undistinguished from friends,
hate or love removed from a game seemingly played by Greek Gods of War.

In this decision<->making hell<,>
I rely entirely on instinct,
those who I think are my friends,
and God.

Mind you, if you are a Brit, some of my comments are possibly incorrect (whom, undistinguished.)


Cheers,
mel/bena

[shemthepenman]

hello, well much of the good stuff has been covered by bena. although, i would say that i suspect that in S1 L2 you are referring to the studies that show that in a war situation most soldiers do not actually shoot to kill, or in fact shoot at anything in particular (however, if i remember correctly the it is said that people engaged in a firefight would actively try to miss their target, which does imply intention... but that is getting a bit pedantic).
anyhow, the other thing that i would say is, it doesnt really say anything especially new about war, as in "not knowing friend from foe" "god is on our side" "well, it's not like in the films, you know"... ironically a line you would probably hear in a film to be honest. it just all seems a bit obvious and uninspired, a bit like a Hollywood war film.

[Erthona]

I must agree this appears to lack inspiration, and seems more a philosophical musing, and as has been pointed out, a not very original one. Although lined out like a poem, it seems to lack any kind of rhythm or cadence, and moves rather stiffly.

Instead of "unlike Hollywood", I think this would come off better if you said "unlike in the movies".

The primary problem I have is that without the title, this just becomes a description of war, not a metaphor for something, and that something I have no real clue about.

"In this decision making hell" What decision making hell are you talking about???

Dale

[Mikeodial]

I must agree this appears to lack inspiration, and seems more a philosophical musing, and as has been pointed out, a not very original one. Although lined out like a poem, it seems to lack any kind of rhythm or cadence, and moves rather stiffly.

Instead of "unlike Hollywood", I think this would come off better if you said "unlike in the movies".

The primary problem I have is that without the title, this just becomes a description of war, not a metaphor for something, and that something I have no real clue about.

"In this decision making hell" What decision making hell are you talking about???

Dale

Thank you for all the comments. Will rework accordingly.

PS I am a Brit. ;-)

[ChristopherSea]

Mike, I like the metaphor of thoughts as bullets. They can be precisely aimed with specific targets or they can be random discharges, but still with high consequence. I would attempt a re-write here with these analogies in mind. There are too many ambiguous lines herein, as well as contradictions. One could argue that bullets have a vector direction and velocity as instruction. Their intention becomes that of the gunman essentially, unless it is an accidental discharge. Random seems wrong, as does harmless. Hollywood turmoil looks pretty chaotic to outsiders. I could go on. My advice is to give the poem another shot (pun intended)with the 'on target' thought/bullet metaphor, but with a theme that does not misfire. Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

[Love]

Wow you are a very good writer! I like your word choice and such, sounds very nice

[Mikeodial]

I must agree this appears to lack inspiration, and seems more a philosophical musing, and as has been pointed out, a not very original one. Although lined out like a poem, it seems to lack any kind of rhythm or cadence, and moves rather stiffly.

Instead of "unlike Hollywood", I think this would come off better if you said "unlike in the movies".

The primary problem I have is that without the title, this just becomes a description of war, not a metaphor for something, and that something I have no real clue about.

"In this decision making hell" What decision making hell are you talking about???

Dale

Thank you for all the comments. Will rework accordingly.

PS I am a Brit. ;-)

Version 2

Most bullets leave without instruction
racing past, just thoughts in a day.
Not mine
for I am a sniper,
stalking my targets with intention and desire.

I am a mark,
full of purposeful bullets,
perhaps good or evil. Mostly evil.
Fully dependent on telescopic sights and cold stone nerves.

I need my quiet to make a kill
as my victim falls aimlessly to the ground,
for others to mourn and collect.
I reflect on the outcome as random thoughts collect themselves
loading bullets for the next verbal assassination.