The Hunt

[beaufort]

Your wanting suffocates me, I cannot breathe.
Gasping and panting I back away
and you, unseeing, move forward.
This dance no longer a dance,
but a chase.

Prey not on me, I am not your quarry;
you, a hunter like all the rest,
your vest stained with blood,
bullets falling from your coat,
the power you seek is not here.

Mount my head on your wall
beside the elk from Alberta -
perhaps others will admire
your manliness;
tell them the story of how I lay naked
exposing my neck to you,
and you did not show mercy.

Fabricate my ferocity.
Flatter yourself and your fat fingers
dimpling around the knife sheath,
as if taking life gives it to you.

[tomoffing]

Your wanting suffocates me, I cannot breathe. Ditto above, wanting is lacking. although I have no suggestions as to what would be more impactful. something more basic perhaps, with a taint of maliciousness
Gasping and panting I back away I see how these link to your opening line, but they give the literal impression of the chase you haven't alluded to yet
and you, unseeing, move forward.
This dance no longer a dance, id lose this comma
but a chase.

Prey not on me, I am not your quarry;
you, a hunter like all the rest,
your vest stained with blood,
bullets falling from your coat,
the power you seek is not here. this line has impact for me.

Mount my head on your wall
beside the elk from Alberta -
perhaps others will admire
your manliness; i like your intent here but your word choices could be stringer.
tell them the story of how I lay naked a little long
exposing my neck to you, this clashes, up to now the hunter is a man (vest, bullets etc) but an exposed neck would indicate an animalistic kill
and you did not show mercy.

Fabricate my ferocity.
Flatter yourself and your fat fingers
dimpling around the knife sheath,
as if taking life gives it to you. this is excellent, the fricative alliteration is full of disdain, and i love the fat fingers. i cant speak to being on the receiving end but its exactly how id imagine it.

Overall thoughts, the subject is strong and I like how you've approached it.
Your first two stanzas need to be addressed, perhaps trimmed to one. Theres some clutter in there that doesnt add to this.

stanzas 3 & 4 are much stronger (excluding the points i made on stanza 3).
nice work,
im looking forward to the next iteration of this.

t

[beaufort]

Thanks BedsideFungus and tomoffong for your kind advice. This is something I wrote many, many years ago - not sure why I kept it. I will redo and see if I can revive it. Thanks.