The Waves of Peace

[Mikeodial]

The Waves of Peace (Edit 2)

Waves of peace rush over me.
Prostrate and drenched in undeserved peace
dripping like a sponge filled with grace,
uncontrollably dousing the embers of a will,
replacing it with the only known peace,
His Love.
Silently I drown in Full, Active Participation.
Aware for an instant at least.


The Waves of Peace (Edit 1)


Waves of peace rush over me.
Now I sit, drenched in Love and consolation.
God’s desire to soak my soul in Love, like a sponge till it drips with His grace,
spilling out, uncontrollably,
dousing the fire of my will
replacing it with the peace only known,
of His Love.
I silently drown in Full, Active Participation.
Aware for an instant at least.


ORIGINAL BELOW


Waves of peace rush over me.

Now I sit, drenched in love and consolation.



God’s desire to soak my soul in Love, like a sponge till it drips with His grace,

spills out, uncontrollably;

dousing the fire of my will;

replacing it with the peace only known,

of His Love.



Silently, I drown in Full, Active Participation.

Aware for an instant at least.

[Brownlie]

A

Waves of peace rush over me.

Now I sit, drenched in love and consolation.



God’s desire to soak my soul in Love, like a sponge till it drips with His grace,

spills out, uncontrollably;

dousing the fire of my will;

replacing it with the peace only known,

of His Love.



Silently, I drown in Full, Active Participation.

Aware for an instant at least.

It is hard for me to properly comment on these poems at the moment but I think I can give you some meaningful comments. I'm not sure your using the semicolon right. From my understanding both clauses surrounding the semicolon need to be independent. You may also benefit from looking at some comma rules and how people have used enjambment. Hope that helps.

[heslopian]

Waves of peace rush over me.

Now I sit, drenched in love and consolation. Why is each line thusly separated from its predecessor, and why the space between verses?



God’s desire to soak my soul in Love, I like this capitalisation of "love" because it makes it seem like a potion or medicine, though I think if you capitalise it in one instance you should in every other. like a sponge The domesticity of "sponge" forges a connection between the spiritual and everyday. It reminds me of how people in service positions, centuries ago, would use household language to illustrate their spiritual experiences. till it drips with His grace,

spills out, uncontrollably;

dousing the fire of my will; This line comes across as faintly sinister, which I'm not sure was your intention. Maybe I'm approaching this poem from too much of an atheist viewpoint, but obliterating one's will doesn't strike me as a good or loving thing.

replacing it with the peace only known,

of His Love.



Silently, Is this comma needed? I drown in Full, Active Participation.

Aware for an instant at least. Excellent last line. Sharp and powerful.

A little more action and detail might liven up this piece, but I liked it. It has an elegance of expression which works. Thanks for the read, and critique is JMHO

[Mikeodial]

Waves of peace rush over me.

Now I sit, drenched in love and consolation. Why is each line thusly separated from its predecessor, and why the space between verses?



God’s desire to soak my soul in Love, I like this capitalisation of "love" because it makes it seem like a potion or medicine, though I think if you capitalise it in one instance you should in every other. like a sponge The domesticity of "sponge" forges a connection between the spiritual and everyday. It reminds me of how people in service positions, centuries ago, would use household language to illustrate their spiritual experiences. till it drips with His grace,

spills out, uncontrollably;

dousing the fire of my will; This line comes across as faintly sinister, which I'm not sure was your intention. Maybe I'm approaching this poem from too much of an atheist viewpoint, but obliterating one's will doesn't strike me as a good or loving thing.

replacing it with the peace only known,

of His Love.



Silently, Is this comma needed? I drown in Full, Active Participation.

Aware for an instant at least. Excellent last line. Sharp and powerful.

A little more action and detail might liven up this piece, but I liked it. It has an elegance of expression which works. Thanks for the read, and critique is JMHO

Thank you. Revised version posted. I left the "dousing of the fire of my will" as it is specifically related to giving over of will to God, not really abdication, but more of a "surrender".

[Thoth the Atlantean]

This is beautiful. I love the theme of love/peace being water and washing over you filling you up and overflowing to those around you. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding the end. Is it that you are only aware of yourself drowning in God's love when it is still possible to remember a time when you weren't?

[Veil of Trash]

I (really) like the use of consonance + alliteration in the "s" and "l" but at the same time I find "like" in L3 a little jarring for the same reasons.

Maybe it is intentional to have [Love, like] that big of an impact from this device but I find it a little too disenchanting for my taste. :p

toning it down to something like ", so like" or just cutting the "like" out entirely would might soothe my fragile soul in this instance. :p

I am jealous of how well it all works. :p

[Erthona]

In my experience writings related to a spiritual experience tend to be short, not wordy.

"suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him;
and he fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him,
“Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” And he said, “Who are You, Lord?”
And He said, “I am Jesus whom you are persecuting,"

They also seems to focus on some form of self-centeredness being removed.

Even when just the purely ecstatic is being described it tends to be short as the person is overwhelmed.

"It was though I stood on a mountains top, and a clear breeze blew through me."
_______________________________________________________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part;
but then shall I know even as also I am known.
_________________________________________________________________________

I am not trying to imply your experience was not real, but the more you try to describe and explain it, the more it seems to take away the power of the telling.

Dale

[Mikeodial]

This is beautiful. I love the theme of love/peace being water and washing over you filling you up and overflowing to those around you. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding the end. Is it that you are only aware of yourself drowning in God's love when it is still possible to remember a time when you weren't?

The comment at the end is based on a fleeting feeling total awareness of all around you. Not usually a feeling that remains for long, as it is too intense to describe effectively in words.

[Humbert]

Indeed a semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses. A colon might be a better choice, as it seems to qualify or define the previous sentence. I am having a difficult time trying to decide what "your will" is that is being doused, though it sounds like you are finding God and becoming purified of evil (fire a metaphor for evil desire or natural evil).
That being said, I agree with Dale. I think less explanation might work in your favor, as your spiritual experience is not very relatable to any other person and becomes weaker as it goes on. That's just my opinion though; however, I love the last line, and I think you can make the rest of the poem live up to it. Good job

[Mikeodial]

In my experience writings related to a spiritual experience tend to be short, not wordy.

"suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him;
and he fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him,
“Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” And he said, “Who are You, Lord?”
And He said, “I am Jesus whom you are persecuting,"

They also seems to focus on some form of self-centeredness being removed.

Even when just the purely ecstatic is being described it tends to be short as the person is overwhelmed.

"It was though I stood on a mountains top, and a clear breeze blew through me."
_______________________________________________________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part;
but then shall I know even as also I am known.
_________________________________________________________________________

I am not trying to imply your experience was not real, but the more you try to describe and explain it, the more it seems to take away the power of the telling.

Dale

Next revision in my first post on this thread. Thanks.