Women's Ward

[beaufort]

Locked doors are the introduction.
Muffled cries mingle with barren sobs;
here and there a quiet one,
withdrawn into the corner like a frightened dog,
eyes reflecting brutal horrors or endless emptiness.
Voices constant to oneself, to part of oneself,
to a memory that won’t respond.

“I can’t do this” is painted in blood
on the plastic mirror down the hall,
condensation reflects the freshness.
Knees drawn up, rocking, rocking
mother and child in one.

Hurt drifts through the air,
circling with the smoke of too many cigarettes.
Visitors, few and hurried, bring last Christmas’s candy -
eyes downcast, furtive glancing,
wanting to look but not to see,
offering banalities no one believes -
happy they can pass through those doors at will,
into the air and life.

“This is November 29” printed on the chalkboard
beside a smiley face with no nose.
Starched white nurses laugh in their glass cage
designed to keep the others out,
drinking coffee they await the end of shift.

The others await a different shift,
the one no one wants to work -
graveyard full of spirits and darkness,
though occasionally the moon offers hazy relief.

Tonight it is barely a sliver,
a tiny piece of cantaloupe
on a starving man’s plate -
a sadistic offering cowardly given,
not enough to fight for.

[Leanne]

Linda, I have very little but praise to offer for this. Each of these images carries very specific, very intense emotions. My only small criticisms are with the mechanics: your end punctuation could do with some variation as there are a lot of places that you've used commas where a semi-colon or an em-dash would serve better. Also, "banal niceties" is a bit on the redundant side -- maybe just "banalities".

I very much enjoyed this, thank you!

[tomoffing]

This is amazing.
I missed the title first time through, and even without that you're imagery was so subtle and yet concrete that I couldn't put my finger on how I arrived at the setting. Brilliant.
The only point I noted was line 2 final stanza. Felt ever so slight too long, tiny piece being a little redundant. Perhaps,
"...barely a sliver
Of cantaloupe..."

Do as you will though, thank you very much.

[Sequel]

Excellent imagery and use of metaphors. The line "Visitors, few and hurried, bring last Christmas’s candy" was my favorite. It easily illustrates the nonexistent relationship with family members the patients experience. The details make the poem that much more eerie like the smiley face with no nose and the nurses in their 'glass cage'. Excellent overall! I honestly don't have any viable critique.

[just mercedes]

This reminds me very much of visiting my mother in the Nursing Home - I think they must be the same, world-wide, and the complex emotions they evoke must spring from the same mixture of guilt, love and hopelessness.

The only real question I want to ask about your poem - look at your use of adjectives. Are you using too many?

[justcloudy]

I completely agree with JM. I really love what you're doing here, but it's too wordy for me. I'm not experienced enough to give you suggestions at what to take out specifically, but her tip about adjectives is right on the dot I think. It's a bit windy right now, which makes it less effective than it could be. Trimmed down it'll be immensely powerful.

-justcloudy

[beaufort]

Thanks to each of you. I'll do some pruning, hopefully in the right places.