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All the things I can't say I drink
Golden Monkeys in plastic silence, I
miss those I never knew--
and just like you I find
debilitation more warming than
parents decorating trees for their son who
stalks longboards on Broadway and
Fifth. Never knew him "for real,"
only what I could muster
squatting naked on a shredder,
shitty poesies distilled.
I wish my desk would stop swaying,
a roommate's amateur lesbian fuck
makes me feel awkward catching my keyboard.
I suppose
I'm only a little more important than lube on a Sunday morning.
Edit 1:
All the things I can't say I drink
Golden Monkeys in plastic silence, I
miss those I never knew--
and just like you I find
intemperance more analeptic than
parents decorating trees for their son
who stalks longboards on Broadway and Fifth.
Never knew him "for real,"
only what I'd muster
squatting naked on a shredder,
shitty poesies distilled.
I wish my desk would stop swaying,
a roommate's amateur lesbian fuck
makes me feel awkward catching my keyboard.
I suppose I am only a little
more important than lube
on a Sunday morning.
I'll be there in a minute.
I want to like it, I almost do. I have to think about those words that stick out at the end of a few lines. I've told you about my ideas of demonic rhymes, then there are drastic, or desperate, line breaks and stark line breaks. Not that anyone has to take my ideas seriously, I'm not concerned about that at this specific moment.
The shitty poesies distilled is fine, though I'm wondering about how it hangs at the bottom of the stanza like that.
"Breaking the fourth wall" and ending on a sharp fragment have their places too.
But what do you think? The subject or story appeals to me, but I wonder what you think about those breaks in the big stanza.
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The breaks are disrupting this for me too. A couple of them seem forced.
Squatting naked on a shredder is the best line I've read in weeks!
Would you consider a break in your final line???
"I'm only a little more important
than lube on a Sunday morning."
closes really starkly.
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This poem makes my butthole itch.
It's the one I left here and didn't come back to for months.
The breaks are definitely forced. I feel like I'm spit-shining a glob of poop.
I'll be there in a minute.
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I'm assuming this is referable to the movie from 1988.
Why "a roommate's amateur lesbian fuck"
instead of "my roommate's amateur lesbian fuck"?
And what is does the connotation of it being an amateur as opposed to a professional fuck. How does one tell the difference?
There are a lot of unique phrases here, but I have no idea what any of them mean. I'm guessing some relate to the movie, but as I have sworn off all foreign films because they are so over the top with the "cultureness" they push, I have never seen this one. I suppose such an attitude causes me to miss some real gems, but It seems to save me the tediousness of sitting through another self generated tension filled drama. Maybe if they ever drop the film noir stuff, I will go back to watching them (although I still watch European animation as the beauty of the animation outweighs the disillusionment, and pessimism of the story).
Just one question? How did you manage to leave an itching butthole here for months. That would be a trick worth learning.
Così a lungo e grazie per il pesce!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(01-21-2014, 07:13 PM)Erthona Wrote: I'm assuming this is referable to the movie from 1988.
Why "a roommate's amateur lesbian fuck"
instead of "my roommate's amateur lesbian fuck"?
And what is does the connotation of it being an amateur as opposed to a professional fuck. How does one tell the difference?
There are a lot of unique phrases here, but I have no idea what any of them mean. I'm guessing some relate to the movie, but as I have sworn off all foreign films because they are so over the top with the "cultureness" they push, I have never seen this one. I suppose such an attitude causes me to miss some real gems, but It seems to save me the tediousness of sitting through another self generated tension filled drama. Maybe if they ever drop the film noir stuff, I will go back to watching them (although I still watch European animation as the beauty of the animation outweighs the disillusionment, and pessimism of the story).
Just one question? How did you manage to leave an itching butthole here for months. That would be a trick worth learning.
Così a lungo e grazie per il pesce!
Dale
I thought about those lines and switched them because I didn't want to show any possession of that sort of act. O_O
"And what is does the connotation of it being an amateur as opposed to a professional fuck. How does one tell the difference?"
Years and years of porn.
I'll be there in a minute.
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homophobia eh? Just as well, you don't want to get imaginarily slimed by to close of an association 
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 204
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Joined: Jan 2013
Not at all! The roommate's male, and the girl he's fucking is a lesbian.
But this was actually happening as I was writing the poem. Go figure.
I'll be there in a minute.
Every time a girl tells me she has a butt itch, I tell her I have something for that. And she gets offended.
But this is a critical section, and I have no right to be celebrating my personal rituals.
intemperance more analeptic than
seems like a step down from the finesse you had.
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Quote:All the things I can't say I drink
Golden Monkeys in plastic silence, I
miss those I never knew--
and just like you I find
debilitation more warming than
parents decorating trees for their son who
stalks longboards on Broadway and
Fifth.
i find the bit in bold appealing, but don't really understand why you wrote it like that - assuming they are three distinct clauses.
?
the second stanza makes me think they're having sex on your desk, which is confusing, but i'll take your word for it.
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"Not at all! The roommate's male, and the girl he's fucking is a lesbian."
Now that's something I'd like to see. Can you get video 
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,279
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Joined: Dec 2016
(01-22-2014, 01:21 AM)newsclippings Wrote: Not at all! The roommate's male, and the girl he's fucking is a lesbian.
But this was actually happening as I was writing the poem. Go figure.
For me, lesbian fuck is different than fucking a lesbian. Lesbian fuck should = that particular fuck that lesbians do. There shouldn't be males there (except as voyeurs, of course)
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(01-23-2014, 03:22 AM)milo Wrote: (01-22-2014, 01:21 AM)newsclippings Wrote: Not at all! The roommate's male, and the girl he's fucking is a lesbian.
But this was actually happening as I was writing the poem. Go figure.
For me, lesbian fuck is different than fucking a lesbian. Lesbian fuck should = that particular fuck that lesbians do. There shouldn't be males there (except as voyeurs, of course)
Too bad. It also doesn't matter.
I'll be there in a minute.
Agreeing with everyone else for the most part, the last two stanzas don't really seem to be a part of the poem. They contrast quite a bit with the first stanza. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Hell, almost every Italian and English sonnet ever written include a volta or a turn that shifts the poem into a different direction. The trick is to be able to tie it all together with the last few lines.
I would suggest breaking up the first stanza and using the same bitter words you did in the last couple stanzas, mainly because those are the most memorable parts of the poem. Great job, Poet!
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